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i have a vape again, it's been a year and a half since I've had my own. sometimes i take little hits from my friends when we're out drinking but this time i got my own. well i got one with my friend but she asked me to keep it since she doesn't trust herself. i said i didn't trust myself either. sometimes when i think about nicotine too hard i feel tingles in my body. i hit the vape while sober Today and it sucked. it tasted gross and made my head hurt. it did not make me crave more. i thought id never not love nicotine, and i guess i would've felt proud of myself for not wanting it, but i feel weird and sad. i still love a cigarette here and there, i have a Ritual for cigarettes. i never had a ritual for vapes just a desperate and pathetic attachment. i don't know how to emotionally process expecting myself to fall back into unhealthy addictive habits but actually discovering i don't feel that way anymore. so now i have this vape that's gross and i don't really want it and that's good but i'm also kind of mad because some stress relief and dopamine would be nice eight now but it's not giving me that anymore.
Sep 3, 2024
Related Recs
Ever since I quit nicotine I don't deprive myself of a cigarette when I feel like I really need it. So it hits different, because when my emotional state is low all it takes is a cig break to feel like I'm confronting whatever it is that's weighing me down. This system is fool-proof. Sometimes I think I'm low enough for a cigarette then decide I'm not quite sad enough. So when I do smoke it's because I'm crying & absolutely losing it. Because my smoke breaks are spontaneous, I can't quite plan for them, leading to unfinished packs & a plethora of lighters. Funny enough, each lighter coincides with whatever was making me feel awful that day making it a journal of sorts for my feelings. My fav is the "take me with you" lighter because well.. I really related to that when I bought it. There's also something really protagonist-y about walking into a gas station, eyes puffy & tears streaming down your face & asking for a pack of camel menthols ... oh & a swag lighter.
Sep 19, 2024
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Granted it was weed and not nicotine, I haven’t vaped in like 21 days and feel so much better for it. Its strange how it happened, though. I literally woke up one day and was like……..nah
Feb 27, 2024
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I’m not trying to catch the big C but smoking will never not be in my life. Everything in moderation. A cig here and there is good for my mental health.
Vapes are cringe (but I’ll still ask for yours because I’m insufferable.)
Feb 3, 2024
Top Recs from @xoxomarbie
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i cannot relate to women who miss their girlhood. when they felt carefree, happy. for me adulthood has been the first time i've experienced feeling carefree and happy. i work an 8:30-5:30 job and I pay my rent and I buy groceries and I take the bus and this is the happiest and safest and least stressed i've ever been. girlhood was awkward and uncomfortable. restrictive and quiet. sexualized. I didn't own my body, my space, my time. i was scared of my dad, i just wanted my mom to understand me. i didn't feel pretty and boys were mean. girls too. womanhood has been freeing and healing. I wear what i want, i eat what I want. my home is so safe, my body is too. i wish i could miss girlhood. but I can't, so I give my adult woman self the joy and safety and pink bedroom walls and stuffed animals and girly dresses she never had as a child. i give myself comfort. i listen to and I believe myself. i hold my inner little girl and tell her she is so beautiful and so loved. i try to give my adult woman self the girlhood i didn't have
May 13, 2024
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sometimes I think "I wish I was a writer" but then I remember I can just write
May 13, 2024