🦨
victor has his fingers to my stomach in the shape of a gun, whispering “murder” over and over. funny that i made it a man.
your fingers to my stomach in the shape of a gun. it’s not enough to think about it, and yet i’d have to hide my face if you ever put your hands around my waist. didn’t know i was into having my wrists held until you stopped me from tickling you.
something changed under the surface. in the part of head that’s actually in my throat. can we mind-fuck?
looking through the crack in my door. you ask if i want to talk about it. i say i want to sleep, and talking keeps me awake. you say talking could put it to bed and i say nothing.
my heart and my lungs are fragile. thought of you stopping my head, turning my face towards you, the intention, of meaning to kiss me. for a moment the hole in my chest was gone. there’s that line, about having a god-shaped hole and it being infected. this time, tonight, there’s a gouge in my chest, right around or below my sternum, and it’s letting all the cold air in. makes it hard to fall asleep.
you ask if i’m okay through the closed door. i understand that you love me and you don’t mind waiting.
it takes until my chest is dully aching and my stomach burning for me to admit i’m awake. kissing you feels like resurfacing. something is wrong in my body. so i go out into the hallway. i squint in the light. in the mirror, i meet your eyes, and you’re smiling.
Sep 30, 2024
Related Recs
🦨
i am big arms
and awkward but gentle hands that are
trying to hold you
drawing soft, swirly patterns on your shoulder
we can (both) pretend i'm better at this (than i am)
cupping your knuckles in my palm
i tried to hold your fingers, but mine
started trembling
so i had to let you go
a primitive murmur scratches in me, and warmth
spills over my lips
pours from my throat
hits the air and frosts over into silk
i spin it with my tongue
slide it over my teeth
keep it moving, light and soft
bring it higher if you don't smile
my mom used to do this for me
her hands were steadier
i won't touch your hair, or ask to
my fingers will stay slow and thoughtful
i haven't shifted positions in a few minutes
maybe if i can relax, you can feel safe
muscles declenching like they're shifting through a wash cycle
are you falling asleep?
you could, if you wanted to
i wouldn't mind
or has this gone on for too long?
do you want to stay?
i wish i could be more for you
Sep 30, 2024
🦨
i cut out my eyes in the laundry room at night
slit my bottom lip
and rinse the blade under the tap
can't tell the blood from water
no point in crying
carve into my pupil like a small, peeled plum
i've been good about taking my meds this week
you’re my oral fixation
my irises to my lips and i kiss you goodbye
salt burns the slit and i taste my own blood
phantom tickles in my sockets when i run my teeth over the flesh
suck on me
i wish i could know you from the inside out
and i buried my body in the fields near your house
set my clothes on fire to mark the spot
you can still see it when you take the overpass
not dissimilar to your scorched earth policy
should i call that a burn or is that too corny?
Sep 30, 2024
🦨
let me draw a heart on your knuckle.
here, hold still.
<3
there.
do you understand?
i want to keep you warm.
this is just an excuse to touch you.
do you understand?
don't mind my hands shaking.
do you like it?
i'm scared to look you in your eyes because i'm horrible at keeping secrets.
do you understand?
maybe if i cared less, we could be closer.
my heart is battering in the empty space of my rib cage. it doesn't know where the walls are, and won't stay still long enough to feel the ground under its feet.
here, if you feel my pulse, you might hear it.
if i move, i'll give it away.
do you understand?
(this is just an excuse to touch you.)
do you understand?
don't answer.
Sep 30, 2024
Top Recs from @selectmorsels
1. company lot by noel miller (kinda like doomscrolling through the tech world but in a funny way. would not play around your parents or coworkers lol)
2. tiny meat gang (used to be with two cohosts, but one is a creep so he's off and it's noel miller hosting interviews, news guy bits, etc. pretty versatile ever since cody ko left. the older episodes with cody are funny too, but i personally don't want to watch them anymore. also would not play around your parents or coworkers)
3. beersos (two hs best friends talk about unhinged shit every episode. also also would not play around anyone tbh)
4. welcome to nightvale (it's a radio show for a fictional town called nightvale. has some fire lines. is overall kooky and odd. often eerie)
anyway, here's a screengrab from the first few seconds of the first episode of company lot
Oct 1, 2024
🦨
i don't want to be lonely
it's not midnight anymore
it hits when i'm high over the ocean
one eye open
the other lost to the black depths
nights like these, it feels like i'll never wake up
won't be returning to the shore
everything i want refuses to come within six metres of me
even when neither of us are real
Sep 30, 2024
🦨
i am good. i am good.
i whisper it on the way home through the snow. i mumble it on the edge of the bed, pupils heavy in my hands.
in another world, you love me and i am good. i am good.
come back to me. mother who remembers you.
i hold you when you sleep, mould my arms around you, leave no room for the cold.
your skin is like wax paper. there are tears at the edges of your eyes.
i am good. i am good. mother who loves you.
you are good to me.
i hold my eyes in my hands, and run them over the edges of your face. even without me, they recognize your temples.
you are good to me.
you come to me in the dark. gentle as ever, speak no words.
there are tears in your eyes and bleeding in your hands and i love you, i love you, i love.
come back to me.
in my dream, you don't answer.
you don't tell me what you've done.
Sep 30, 2024