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Eldest daughters are [cursed] to be maternal forever

We have cared for our siblings and family, but when does the line in the sand begin to blur? I have grown into my 32 year old self quite well (with some scrapes, bruises and the occasional tantrum along the way) and as I form relationships I seem to hear the same phrase over and over, "oh, you're so maternal!" "you give off this motherly energy i feel so safe" it that pisses me off every time I know I am kind and patient and a good listener but that doesn't feel sexy, exciting, or mysterious; because I am those things as well. I find it to be a curse I can’t seem to break no matter the amount of tattoos, piercings and hair color changes I get. It's something in me I appreciate and something I can’t help but question if I would have developed naturally had I not had this role assigned at birth.  The eldest daughters in a lot of POC households tend to end up in the role of mother and it comes so “naturally” but how do we honor it and in that same breath not let it define us? Do I want to be a mother because of the responsibilities put upon me indoctrinated me into thinking I would be good at it (I absolutely would) ? Or can I live my days as a spinster, knowing that I would make an excellent mother, and that knowledge would be enough.

@2youngtorock

5d ago

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sadly i cant relate to this but its been eye opening

i actually hope in the future to have daughters, so reading this perspective has been a nice insight into how autonomy plays a massive role into their upbringing :)

@pepper

Jun 28, 2024

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I think i had an unusually adventurous and fairly gender neutral upbringing

and I feel lucky about that; it made me who I am today! But as an adult woman I can definitely relate and I imagine what it would be like to feel that sense of freedom from being perceived as a woman and the societal expectations that come with that. Sylvia Plath said it best in her journals: “Yes, my consuming desire is to mingle with road crews, sailors and soldiers, barroom regulars—to be a part of a scene, anonymous, listening, recording—all this is spoiled by the fact that I am a girl, a female always supposedly in danger of assault and battery. My consuming interest in men and their lives is often misconstrued as a desire to seduce them, or as an invitation to intimacy. Yes, God, I want to talk to everybody as deeply as I can. I want to be able to sleep in an open field, to travel west, to walk freely at night...” I do think though that it’s fruitless to fixate on these things, imagining the grass to be greener on the other side and essentially wishing you could have grown up and lived as another person, because 1 it’s not possible 2 the life you imagine has so many downsides to it too that you can’t even imagine not having experienced itself and 3 if you were a different person then the You you are now wouldn’t exist, and that would be a shame! I also think men are having a tough time now and many of them are probably just as neurotic, inhibited, and fearful as women. Obviously people are free to reject these notions and live life as whoever they want, and I respect and appreciate those who choose to do this, but I’m not interested in doing that for myself. Instead, I challenge the boundaries of what it means to be a woman in the ways that I can, which feels like the right choice for me!

@taterhole

Jun 28, 2024

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notes on girlhood

i cannot relate to women who miss their girlhood. when they felt carefree, happy. for me adulthood has been the first time i've experienced feeling carefree and happy. i work an 8:30-5:30 job and I pay my rent and I buy groceries and I take the bus and this is the happiest and safest and least stressed i've ever been. girlhood was awkward and uncomfortable. restrictive and quiet. sexualized. I didn't own my body, my space, my time. i was scared of my dad, i just wanted my mom to understand me. i didn't feel pretty and boys were mean. girls too. womanhood has been freeing and healing. I wear what i want, i eat what I want. my home is so safe, my body is too. i wish i could miss girlhood. but I can't, so I give my adult woman self the joy and safety and pink bedroom walls and stuffed animals and girly dresses she never had as a child. i give myself comfort. i listen to and I believe myself. i hold my inner little girl and tell her she is so beautiful and so loved. i try to give my adult woman self the girlhood i didn't have

@xoxomarbie

May 13, 2024

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doing things

sometimes I think "I wish I was a writer" but then I remember I can just write

@xoxomarbie

May 13, 2024

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being a womAN is just really uncomfortable and nonconsensual performance art and i am tired

@xoxomarbie

Jul 9, 2024