Grace Kuhlenschmidt

Sheer Bras, The Frozen Protein in Her Freezer, Basic YouTube Vloggers, and more.

October 18, 2023

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Grace Kuhlenschmidt is a NYC-based comedian, internet personality, and actress. The self-described “straight lesbian comedian” has gained a huge following from her special parody videos like the strange and soulless influencer advertising or “a guy’s girl”— which brightened my twitter feed for weeks. The New York Times named Grace in their list of comedians to watch but her talents extend beyond comedy. You might also recognize her from HBO’S Search Party and her cameo on ZIWE or from her podcast Finally with fellow comedian Joe Castle Baker that was dubbed “the podcast to end all podcasts” by Vulture Magazine. Lucky for us, Grace is here to tell us what she’s been into.

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The Most Basic YouTube Vloggers (Cannot Disclose Their Names)

You’re not gonna get the names out of me, but it’s important I share my truth. You could tell me that everyone I know and love is dead. Then put on a “Weekend Reset in NYC” vlog. And I’ll forget. Happy as a clam. My brain swaddled by the dumbest girls I’ve ever seen put a new console table in their 7k/month Tribeca 1 bedroom

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The Frozen Protein in my Freezer

Ground turkey, salmon, ground beef, ground turkey, ground turkey, ground turkey. I will admit it, it’s a little bit confusing that I don’t have the same exact body as Noah Beck

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Gone - Charli XCX and Christine & The Queens

When I’m pregnant I’m gonna try the Mozart effect but with Charli XCX. So every morning & night I will take one of my Airpods, stick it in my belly button, and then blast “Gone.” This is the best song in the world. I thank God every day I wasn’t born in the same generation as The Beatles. That would have fucking sucked!!!!

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The Bachelor Franchise

So I started watching The Bachelorette in 2008 during Deanna Pappas’ season. I was 13 and I never stopped. I’ve seen every season and I have nothing to be ashamed of :(. I’m sobbing while typing this. I’ve heard a lot of people who are like “The Bachelor has gotten so much worse. I can’t even watch it anymore.” And then I ask them when they started watching and they’re like “probably Nick Vialls’ season.” And I’ve killed those people. SHUT THE FUCK UP. The show doesn’t GET WORSE... I’m gonna explode just thinking about it. It’s a perfect show and I hope one day I can go on it as a straight woman

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California Chicken Cafe’s Broccoli Pasta Salad

It’s almost like water to me. Like, in terms of edibility (so easy to eat) & nutritionally (ranch is 0 calories). There was one summer where I ate CCC Broccoli Pasta Salad 5 days a week and I actually lost 20 pounds. Nothing good or bad about that. It’s just the truth

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L'Oreal Paris Voluminous Superstar Mascara

I actually don’t recognize baby pics of myself because I’m not wearing this mascara. In fact, I didn’t wear any mascara as a kid… This clumpy ass, double-ended dildo ass, 12 dollar ass mascara is my best friend. If I’m not wearing it, I’m ugly. If I am wearing it, I’m fat Twiggy.

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Bras as sheer as they get

The tight underwire… The way my nipples are almost more visible… it’s so sexy to me. If I were to jump in the air, my boobs are big enough that if I don’t hold them close to my chest: they’ll fly up and knock my teeth out, and on the way down they will straight up fall off. That’s why I have to wear the least supportive bra to ever exist. Thank you scientists!

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Pasteis de Nata

This is the best pastry I’ve ever had. It’s like if a créme brûlée and a croissant FUCKED. And gave me their baby to eat! I’ve never been to Portugal so I get it from Otway Bakery in Brooklyn. I try to eat it in like 6 bites but realistically I think I could eat it in one. I want to eat it in one bite so bad like I actually want to do that so bad but I think it’s best I take my time

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Grace Kuhlenschmidt

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