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I valued the idea of being low maintenance and chill for so long and I don't know if it's been living in LA and or being around more rich people but I realized recently that it is all a lie. every single person that is effortlessly “just being themselves” is lying. They are getting acupuncture and lymphatic drainage and taking pilates and yoga 3 times a week and getting facials and layering $90 serums and creams on top of their face and going to erewhon 80 times a day to get probiotic water that does not exist. they are a project. and guess what? so am I! sometimes it's nice.
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Maybe it’s just my frontal lobe developing but I’ve been really simplifying the aesthetics of my life lately… no more dyed hair or heavy makeup… pared back outfits, plain nails and switching auto-caps back on…. Investing in the quality and durability of things/people in my life rather than the folly of aesthetic currency.
Theres something awesome about feeling like I’m enough as a person on the inside without trying so hard to reflect it on the outside. I don’t have to be the most interesting person in a room anymore! I can just be :)
Dec 9, 2024
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I've recently realized that, despite my consistent efforts to be authentic, I've still been structuring a lot of my goals and presentation based on what other people will think of me. It's all rooted in impressing others, because I worry that people won't like me if I don't impress them. It's not something I've been doing consciously, though. I think it is deeply ingrained with so many people my age because we grew up with social media. At 23, I'm only just beginning to understand how this may have really warped my brain. Additionally, I think a lot of family structures and the school system function this way. There is so much pressure to be "successful" in society. I have always supported the idea of other people expressing themselves without having to worry about being "cringe" or embarrassing, but I haven't been living it myself. I would love to strip back all the layers of expectations that have been painted onto me until I find who is really underneath again.
Dec 27, 2024
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Sometimes you can just exist. you don’t (hopefully) need 50 hustles. You don’t need to be a writer and musician and artist and podcaster and influencer and girlboss or whatever. you don’t even need to signal how cool or smart or attractive you are. I know it’s hard cause I think our society incentives (forces?) people to be “on” all the time, but it’s probably better for your own sake to just exist for yourself and your love ones and to adjust your expectations of what a successful or meaningful life is.
Sorry for being pedantic, just know a lot of friends and family my age or younger that seem to be struggling right now in all sorts of ways. Just know, regardless of what anyone says or even what you say or do, that you guys have inherent dignity and you are worth something
Oct 9, 2024
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so nice finishing something or having a friend finish something and then swapping that book. sharing things with your loved ones? making memories tactile? it's nice! (some that I've given or received that I've loved as of late: why fish don't exist - lulu miller, clarice lispector - an apprenticeship, how to do nothing - jenny odell, stay true - hua hsu)
Jun 19, 2023
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The world's tough place. There's lots of movies I want to see and because of the dumbest corporate reasons, lots of times they're unavailable or only available to buy on a streaming service. At that point I'd rather just get a blu-ray (s/o walmart dot com and the kino lorber sale...) but if I can't find one, or if it's $50, I'll straight up just see if it's avail to watch on youtube or through the internet archive and a lot of times it is. The quality might not be great, but that's okay. It's important to not get what you want sometimes in life. (Elaine May's A New Leaf, Scorsese's Kundun, Todd Solondz' Happiness, Akira Kuroswa's Dreams, Joseph L. Mankiewicz's Sleuth etc. etc.)
Jun 19, 2023
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right now as I'm writing this, new york is caked in a freaky orange smog and the world is proverbially "giving" "apocalypse vibes." it's hard not to feel an underlying sense of doom and dread lurking in everything, even the fun things (well the world is ending, so I might as well do what I want, etc. etc.). my whole thing as of late is that I'm sort of over that...I read Recapture the Rapture by Jamie Wheal recently which gets into a lot of these feelings (s/o the meta crisis) and one of his pitches for the start of a solution is something he calls "radical hope." I of course do not know if it will work but I think it's far more interesting than ironic detachment because you're actually not brave enough to care about anything
Jun 19, 2023