I know I sound mental but I'm crazy about the Oscars. Listen… go back to the 1999 Oscars telecast when Whoopi Goldberg was the host—the one where she came out dressed as Queen Elizabeth the 1st—and tell me that wasn't the most fabulous situation to ever happen in the known universe. I don't care if the movies up for nominations are abysmal. I don't care if you don't like awards-bait dramas shot in black-and-white. I don't care if you're so bored that you drop dead in the middle of your living room! Turn the dial to ABC and suck it up, the future of cinema depends on it because the Oscars are the engine that drives promotion and gets movies greenlit. I think I'd be a great producer on the team for the broadcast itself… I care deeply about preserving the glamour and spectacle of the event. I know exactly who should host (I'm not telling), I know precisely which rules should change to make it more entertaining, and I have great ideas for stunts to pull before and during the broadcast. I also think the Academy should start owning how wrong they are when they vote by creating a new honorary Oscar called a Legacy Award, which can go to any person, film, or talent associated with a movie that has grown to become a classic in the eyes of the world since its eligible year. They could present an Oscar to Drew Barrymore for her performance in Scream—she'd have a breakdown! It would be incredible—or give Oscars to the entire cast and crew of movies like Rocky Horror Picture Show, Election, The Shining, or Showgirls. People would argue about it nonstop and it would be great for ratings. I'm running away with myself now… this is how I get. Point being: watch the stupid fucking Oscars. It's the least you could do. Someone will figure out how to make it fun eventually.