I hadn't been to Washington in years. I had foggy memories of Seattle--the way the city is both dark and vibrant, plants overtaking front lawns and vines dripping off freeway overpasses. How forgotten cars on side streets are slowly overcome by moss and seem to decay like wet logs in a forest. I wanted to see it again and do some solo traveling in the Pacific Northwest, so I flew in with a full itinerary and rented a car.
My best friend Lucien and his partner had just bought a house in Seattle and I was the first guest. Before I even landed, they were enlisting me to help hang frames and paintings. As I made my way down Rainier Ave, things started to look familiar, or feel familiar. Like finding yourself back in a reoccurring dream. This feeling got stronger and stronger as I got closer and closer to the little pin on my phone’s map, my friend’s address. I pulled onto their street and parked. And stared.
My mom lived in Seattle when I was in 8th grade, and I would visit her. She lived in this little house, directly across the street from where my friend was still unpacking boxes and getting forwarded mail. Around the corner was the shopping plaza I would run to get Chinese for us, where I would play Street Fighter on the arcade. Down the street was the park where I played soccer. Up the hill was a bank with a gnarled tree that always fascinated me. Places that seemed so vague before but were now so real. 20 years later!
Mar 29, 2024
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its nothing that hasn’t been said before a thousand times. Im back in Philadelphia and we’re both different. I go to a fancy cocktail bar that’s opened on the road I’ve only ever been down to get to my ex‘s apartment. there were fewer businesses then, and many buildings were shuttered and dark. now there are high rises where there used to just be skeleton structures of plywood and plastic. I get coffee with two friends I introduced just before I left, and it’s sweet and strange to see the new flower of a friendship there that I didn’t watch grow. I take the bus down Washington Ave and try to catch a glimpse down the street my best friend used to live on, at the rooftop where we laughed and cried and sang and smoked and took five hundred thousand pictures of ourselves silhouetted against the skyline. I get lunch with my ex in his new neighborhood, eating at the diner we ordered delivery from when we had to quarantine together in late 2020. We talk about therapy and new partners and change. I take the regional rail out to the suburbs to see an old coworker who now has a baby. She shows me pictures from their family’s Christmas. I sit backwards on the way home, letting my eyes relax the row homes into a blur until im almost sick. A flock of starlings flies next to the train, gliding through the air for an almost unbelievable amount of time even with their wings closed. The birds all suddenly alight in a tree and the train pulls away.
Dec 30, 2024
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Told my dad another van repair caused our plans to change. We wouldn't be going to Maine. It's too close to winter to be going up North. Instead we'll be staying a few months in Texas on a horse farm.
"Y'all need to just settle down somewhere"
Nearly four years ago I told him our plans to live in a van and travel to different farms for work exchange.
"Now's the time to do it while you're young"
Well it's been a little past three years. The first van kept having issues and we were in an unhealthy living arrangement. Months turned into a year and we weren't welcome anymore. My nesting partner and I were glad the old van even made it three states over to another family member's house.
A few repairs and a second dog later we decided we needed to upsize. This van is also old and needed repairs too but what really kept us here longer was meeting one person that could have made a sad town worth staying in. However, that wasn't in the cards either.
So we're almost four years in to this dream to travel. We've already done a bit of travel if you think about it.
I told my dad "why would I give up on something just cause it's taking longer than I thought it would?"
"You need to put down roots"
I asked what that meant to him.
"Get a home"
Ah, well the van is my home.
If there's one thing I've learned over these last few years, my family is living miserably, going to jobs they only tolerate, to the point of exhaustion, to then sit in an expensive house and watch TV every evening. They have no connection to their community.
I want to see different towns, meet people, get an idea of the community I would be living in long term. I want to be intentional with where I put my roots.
So however long it takes, home is where I am and it's where I'll be in the end.
Sep 30, 2024
i went on my first truly solo trip this weekend and it was a blast. i got a hotel in downtown pittsburgh and spent my time walking the city, stopping at cool shops i saw, finding local spots for food, going to a monster jam show at the arena, visiting museums and the botanical gardens. and wow! it was so nice to explore a new city completely on my own terms.
i’ve always been good at doing things alone (only child behavior) but for the past few months i have been the definition of crash out core, and i have just felt really lonely and pessimistic about life. i spur of the moment planned this trip for myself about a week ago because when i feel myself really slipping from reality it always seems the only thing that saves me is spontaneously doing something to feel like i have control over my life again. and boy! did i rediscover a piece of myself in pittsburgh.
life has its ebbs and flows for sure. but as i drift through my 20s, im trying my best to make sure i always feel secure in myself. i like being around me! as long as i have me (which is inevitable), i know i have the power to build a nice time for myself.
i fear i uncovered a piece of my heart in pittsburgh. a heart that shows myself way more grace than i have been lately. a heart that thinks i am a pretty awesome person who is worthy of pretty cool things and will cultivate it myself if i have to.
my solo weekend trip was great, and im very excited to do it more often
Feb 17, 2025
Top Recs from @Shadowbeni
a study issued last month found that dancing is the most effective way of treating and mitigating depression. Walking, therapy, and yoga also outpaced SSRIs. and if you're saying 'oh this was probably funded by Big Dance', there's no evidence of that and if you're saying 'that's just what a Big Dance shill would say', well honey you're right
Mar 4, 2024
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Reminder that most of what we do is a performance
Feb 24, 2025
Oct 3, 2024