Rec | IF IT CAN HAPPEN TO ME, IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU

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Rec'd on 👫 how to be trusting when getting back into dating

If it can happen to me, it can happen to you

This time 4 years ago, I was reeling from the most embarrassingly heinous situationship that’s ever befallen anyone I know (lol this guy is perhaps a story for another time). Now I’m 2 years into living with the love of my life, thinking that I was too broken to ever get close to a human being again Some of the (many) things that worked for me: - Taking an extended period away from dating, far longer than I had thought. In a fucked up way, I think Covid saved my life since I functionally had no way to get back out there for 6+ months (I’m not counting those weird FaceTime dates). Even if you think you’re ready, it’s possible you could still benefit from time outside the cesspool just working on yourself and investing in friendships/hobbies/your career/learning new stuff/whatever. - On a related note, therapy was very needed! - Start a new, group hobby where you’ll see the same people each week. Not that you’ll forcibly end up dating someone you meet there, but an expanded circle often brings good into your life and it’s exciting to have something new in your life that isn’t tied to success on a dating app. - Not to be that person since I always hated when people said this to me when I was single, but it always happens when you least expect it. All of the above contributes to a new you who isn’t yearning for it above all else. People are drawn to others who seem to be thriving without them and I promise you you’ll attract much higher quality people when you project this attitude (my own prospects were night and day since I was content in my own life and saw someone as additive not just looking for love/acceptance/contact from whoever could provide it). Those are the things that came to me initially, but will keep noodling. Rooting for you ❤️

@tortitude

Apr 1, 2024

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@stellate

boy do we have a storytime for each other!! this was fantastic. thank u. it is so terribly clear that i need more time if i'm still thinking about the whole thing in the capacity that i am. i was worried about not finding love before i got too busy with my grad program but maybe getting too busy for a couple months to the rest of the year is exactly what i need. (somehow have 1 date planned later this week, but if that ends up feeling like too much, it'll be time for me to hunker down)

Apr 1, 2024

@tortitude

stellate time is our best medicine (lol other than, well, medicine). Our brains are so plastic, a few months can create all types of new habits and thought patterns and such, especially when paired with therapy and new activities. But also like, being busy is never gonna stop something from happening if it’s gonna happen. Sure, in a way dating is a numbers game and you’ll have less time to go on dates, but also I think good energy attracts the like (not to sound too woo woo) and you get to a place where quality connections still come right through, regardless of what you’re professionally up to!

Apr 1, 2024

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I’m one year out from a big break up and i’ve never been more ‘me’

There is a lot of really good advice and input in the other responses, but I just wanted to let you know that about a year ago I broke up and stopped talking to the person I was dating for over 8 years. I didn’t realize how much I didn’t know about myself. In that time I’ve picked up a few art classes, fitness classes, and some of those I hated. Every time I was sad that I wanted to do [insert any thing or activity] but I didn’t have someone to do it with, I would go do it alone. This time last year was really hard. I had to drag my ass out of my apartment on long walks. podcasts were my best friends, because my real people friends would be busy some times and that’s okay! yeah I did watch all of love island. Alllll of it. I remember thinking “do I exist if I don’t have a person to tell xyz to??” Like yes girl ofc you do!!!! Right now I feel like my life and my heart are so full And happy and Light!!! Putting myself first and finding out what I like has been amazing and I’m so excited to hear about how You’re doing with it all.

@lyssdri

Jun 18, 2024

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Baby steps and boundaries

first and foremost, you definitely shouldn’t stop talking about it, if that’s what you want to do. if something is on your mind and you want to express it, i feel like the harmful thing to do would be to bottle it up! just keep talking about it as much as you feel you need to and i can guarantee you that, over time, it’ll plague you less and less. eventually it’ll just become another aspect of your life you‘ve successfully grown and learned from! my advice re: getting back out there is to simply take it slow. be observant for any red flags that you think could be indicative of a larger issue. also, make your core values clear from day 1! if someone really wants to be in your life, they’ll make it clear that they hold similar values :) also, be sure to set your boundaries. be honest about your past and let them know that you’re still healing from it. any genuinely empathetic human being will internalize what you shared with them and be understanding! overall, i’d urge you to remember that most people are not like your ex; most people want to cultivate healthy and loving relationships! i can’t imagine what you’ve had to endure - but thankfully you get to go out there and meet the person who deserves your love !! it’s super exciting !! woo!!!! best of luck ☺️

@thenheturnedaround

Apr 1, 2024

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taking a break from dating

Feels reallllllllly tempting following a romantic fallout to "get back out there" for several reasons: to prove (to yourself?) that you are desirable, to fill a void left by ex partner, to see if things feel different with other people, to try to comfort yourself with the knowledge that not everyone is as shitty as the last person u dated. (sidenote: spend time with the question of what it fulfills for you) This is rarely ever the right move. At least in my experience. I've literally caused myself psychic damage by jumping back in too fast lol. As cliche as it is, the best advice I have is to spend time (LIKE, TIMEEEEE. months) "dating yourself." You will gain confidence, learn more about yourself + have space from the event that leaves you feeling like dating is so difficult right now. Time really does heal all wounds...but jumping right back into dating is like picking a scab. Fill up your cup in other ways in the meantime. Eventually, it will feel more natural/comfortable for you to ease back into dating - instead of trying to cram yourself into it and thinking that there's something wrong with you/you've sustained permanent damage because it's difficult. Your wounds won't be as fresh and you'll have a clearer picture of what you can/can't tolerate in a romantic relationship. It's hard! But u can do it! <3