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he wrote four short notebooks after the death of his wife about his grieving process and spiritual crises that it entailed. (i'm not a religious person but didn't feel alienated by his discussions about his christianity.) the beauty of his writing and his love for his wife are so gorgeous and heartbreaking. if you have the emotional bandwidth for it, i highly, highly recommend.
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perhaps if i knew more about god, i would know it’s blasphemous to want answers, and perhaps if i knew more about philosophy, i would know it’s foolish to suggest there are answers.
Nov 6, 2024
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"October 17, 1946
D’Arline,
I adore you, sweetheart.
I know how much you like to hear that — but I don’t only write it because you like it — I write it because it makes me warm all over inside to write it to you.
It is such a terribly long time since I last wrote to you — almost two years but I know you’ll excuse me because you understand how I am, stubborn and realistic; and I thought there was no sense to writing.
But now I know my darling wife that it is right to do what I have delayed in doing, and that I have done so much in the past. I want to tell you I love you. I want to love you. I always will love you.
I find it hard to understand in my mind what it means to love you after you are dead — but I still want to comfort and take care of you — and I want you to love me and care for me. I want to have problems to discuss with you — I want to do little projects with you. I never thought until just now that we can do that. What should we do. We started to learn to make clothes together — or learn Chinese — or getting a movie projector. Can’t I do something now? No. I am alone without you and you were the “idea-woman” and general instigator of all our wild adventures.
When you were sick you worried because you could not give me something that you wanted to and thought I needed. You needn’t have worried. Just as I told you then there was no real need because I loved you in so many ways so much. And now it is clearly even more true — you can give me nothing now yet I love you so that you stand in my way of loving anyone else — but I want you to stand there. You, dead, are so much better than anyone else alive.
I know you will assure me that I am foolish and that you want me to have full happiness and don’t want to be in my way. I’ll bet you are surprised that I don’t even have a girlfriend (except you, sweetheart) after two years. But you can’t help it, darling, nor can I — I don’t understand it, for I have met many girls and very nice ones and I don’t want to remain alone — but in two or three meetings they all seem ashes. You only are left to me. You are real.
My darling wife, I do adore you.
I love my wife. My wife is dead.
Rich.
PS Please excuse my not mailing this — but I don’t know your new address."
Richard Feynman fell in love with Arline Greenbaum at the age of 13, and they soon began dating. The couple planned to get married, but a few years later, Arline was diagnosed with tuberculosis. The disease did not affect Feynman's choice; they got married and lived together for some time. Arline died at the age of 25. The letter was written a year and a half after her death and was first made public 43 years later, after Feynman himself had passed away.
I don’t know why I like it; it’s just pure pain.
Jun 10, 2024
wrote about death and my cat Stu (who is still very much alive!!!). it's weird but i like it.
Sep 20, 2024
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Jun 15, 2024
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Put on the robe, turn on adult swim or whatever, crank the ac, eat a late night snack in one bed and sleep in the other. The freedom of impersonal liminal space.
Oct 21, 2024
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hundreds of thousands of times over
The context may be different but no emotion is completely new— i can cope
Aug 1, 2024