as a kid i really liked putting on shows
usually singing and dance
but it was all very organized
like i had a pamphlet i would write that would have the name of the song, who was performing, what time the "show" started and when it would end
its really funny looking back on it
cause its one of the things i really enjoy doing now
having structure and directing things
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i wanted to be so many things as a kid/
a race car driver
a fashion designer
a painter
a singer
a actress
literally from age like 6-11 i wanted to be all these things
i literally just wanted to have a good time all the time haha
Jun 1, 2024
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I had a strict self-imposed morning routine starting in elementary school where I would set an alarm to wake up at 5:00 am, get up and go to the backyard where I would do circuits alternating between running laps, jumping rope, jumping jacks, push-ups, and crunches. Then I would sit and watch Pappyland, Golden Girls, and knitting shows until my dad made me breakfast and I would try to get to school very early just so that I could be there before other people were.
I wanted to be a standup comedian when I was four, then a news broadcaster, then an author, to name a few. I wrote a novella in fifth grade and shared it with everyone I could. I loved agility training my dog Holly. I was a voracious reader and checked out every book out in my school library to the point my school librarian started bringing me her own books from home that she thought I would be interested in.
I had approximately one million Barbie dolls and their associated accessories and I liked to make outfits for them and have them act out news broadcasts and murder mysteries. I would take roly polies from the dirt or crickets from the pet store and build habitats for them. I liked gardening with my dad, pulling weeds, propagating cuttings, and planting seeds. I loved going to the zoo and watching movies on TCM with my mom!
My dad is an artist and taught me the fundamentals of art and to use all kinds of different mediums, but my favorite was oil pastel. I enjoyed doing still lives the most. I liked to rearrange and decorate my bedroom—once I made a closet breakfast nook that I was really excited about; I called it Dorothea’s Cafe after my late grandmother and decorated it with her embroideries. I loved Nancy Drew games and other computer games. At night I would take bubble baths in the dark and play whale sounds in my Barbie car that had a built in CD player.
As I got older, I was in youth symphony orchestra (I played viola which is so me), choir, school musicals (wanted to be a Broadway star until I realized I couldn’t dance but also I kept getting cast as a boy), math club, and speech competitions (poetry readings and dramatic readings were my favorite). I liked to write original fiction and comics for my weird goth/emo/scene anime nerd friends to read. I did get into anime and manga at this time and I loved reading nonfiction to learn about as many things as I could.
In high school I gradually retreated into my shell after a series of traumatic experiences, one of which I’m writing about now, until basically I stopped doing all extracurriculars except for Japanese Club (lol). I just really loved my Japanese language teacher and wanted to spend more time with her :-) by that time I would just read classic tones and furiously scribble poetry and drawings by myself. I also liked to collage and do photography and I unfortunately became a Tumblr user. That’s about it…
Oct 18, 2024
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First when I was about four I wanted to be a standup comedian, then I wanted to work with Greenpeace, then I wanted to be a novelist, then I wanted to be a Broadway star but I have literally no ability to dance, then I wanted to be a clinical psychologist.
by high school my grades were tanking because I was skipping school a lot and not turning in any work and I saw Cirque du Soleil Quidam and wanted to move to Montreal and be a circus clown despite having no athletic skill.
Then I wanted to be a hand model which is what I would tell my school guidance counselors when they would angrily ask what I was going to do with my life. Would have said a regular model but I’m short so I wanted to be realistic but now I am a hair model (not as a career) so that’s fun. I think I’ve made out pretty well for myself for a girl with no direction…
Apr 24, 2024
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using A.I. for art instead of using it to fix problems such as poverty, climate change etc is fucking weird
art is a way people cope with human existence and express feelings as well as share and pass down culture
why tf is A.I. in the mix
its weird to me
Jun 2, 2024
i like to wear lipstick on my upper lip but not the bottom
its v rare when i do
i been doing this since HS honestly and i love it
Jun 19, 2024
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TW: drugs and psychosis
i was in active addiction 4 years ago and was going on a 4 day streak of a bender
where i decided to go to a party do meth (ik) and drink and smoke (more) weed
i was so out of it that when i had to leave
(never drive UTI) it looked like i was driving through a forest under water
when i got back to my friends place her mom said their family cat (who was v old) was dying and she wanted us to say good to him
when i looked at the cat it looked like it was turned inside out and its inside were rotting
i felt sick to my stomach and hid in her room where i began to question everything
what i had seen, what i was doing, and finally who i was and if the thoughts i had were mine or someone else's- it was a lot
it was from there i kinda realized there was more and now im here
sober and a changed woman
the end
Jul 5, 2024