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I became a betta fish puffing up at my reflection.
Even a mirror could take me out.
What a silly way to go.
Every deep regret has come from my expanded body.
I do care I am soft I am coming back
To you
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Really i am coarsing through your veins. Bleeding you out. Striking a cord. Relinquishing my spine. Relegating autonomy to the massive misogyny. Reckless. unstable and a brat. Something to say at the least appropriate moment, It was us all along. The flute stayed in tune. I decided long ago I would stay. Only to let go of who I actually was. Be there when you can. You never were. Bribe your way to my heart. Lend a helping hand. Decide to be yourself. The glass shatters and I reflect on myself and who I used to be. Bad bad bad. All the same to me, I don’t care if you die of thirst. Your green with envy and it shows. Quite the pussy cat. The elixer is mid greatfuly so. I take my bath and lay myself bare. It shows. Just where have you been. All the while I have been searching and finding no release as to who I want to be. I choose this time. I decide where to put it. Wide awake and endlessly falling asleep.
Mar 1, 2025
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i didn't think they were when we first met. i mean, why would i? they were suave, confident, hot. filled to the brim with sticky hubris and emotion. but everyone has a vice, and the best of people keep theirs well hidden. so i find myself here, the place where all good characters begin-- in love. i definitely wasn't expecting it, but that's another story entirely.
i think insecurity is a cautious devil. like the fairy stories i was raised on, it's cunning, a trickster. it masquerades as many things- pride, confidence, and anger being the most prevalent flavors. my lover is none of these things, save maybe a bravado that only comes from finally having the courage to live truly as oneself after years of running. this bravado is enticing, but not necesarily a symptom. perhaps the greater fault is that i am entirely consumed by their personhood. i, like a crocodile on a winters day, bask in the sunlight of their soul. if my limbs were iron i would carve wheels from pure stone and a wagon of aged wood and use it to drag myself to their feet. yet, love is farsighted, and time has revealed the true deliciousness of their personhood rests on the facet that they too, are human.
so, we make our bed in the meadows and we fight our battles in the night. i speak more than i listen, they keep feelings like secrets. they shrivel and burrow to avoid, whereas i become louder to confront. our love is indeed an unlikely story. but i like it, and i want to make it. so, i find myself getting quieter, conceeding more. i let them win and ask them to decide. they do, and we fight sometimes. they would rather be disappointed than rejected. god, don't we all.
i speak in riddles and they in fact. maybe we are too different but we don't let it deter us, for we are far more the same than we could ever realize. still, when i speak plainly they assume puzzles, when i gently correct they quiver, when i say too much they internalize, communication rought by years of passive agressive parents and partners before me. i, who have known none of this, continue my ramblings, wanting only to share more of myself with my lover. i say the wrong thing. there is no wrong. i say things. they hurt.
i don't often mean it the way they take it. their interpretation is a faulty compass that rarely points to true north. sometimes the sheer polarity of their interpretation shocks me. i say i'm tired, they ask if i want them to leave. my direct mind cannot wrap around their curved one. if i wanted them to leave i would have asked. and i would never want such a thing. i say i am scared to become dull. they apologize for ruining me. i ask them what they want, they cannot give an anwer. insecurity is not a trait, it is a tyrant. i see them beneath the ruling scepter but i cannot budge them out from under it.
so i try to be gentle. i speak softly. i conceed. i give them exactly what they ask for. i have been trained on what to avoid. i wonder if this training is making me trickier, or more like the partners and parents that made them this way in the first place. i am no saint, i wish i could learn to shut my desperate eager mouth, a chore i have resisted and fought since childhood with the will and stubborness that remains unchanged. still i ache. the constant intent on misunderstanding me ages my soul. i feel the ache begging them from within my loving eyes. "see me as i am, lover," it cries, "please hear me as i am."
Jan 13, 2025
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We are just at the beginning, eventually the stage was set for us. Bleeding through the pages. finding my voice, only to scream at the abyss, This is who I am. As much as the rest of me doesn’t care. We root ourselves in between the collapse of judgement and mentor those who seek refuge in the confines of rebellion, judge us now, before it is too late. Let the gates wide open roll through the next stage of who you are. Find peace in the precipice of sanity. Clutch your pearls. Relinquish all doubt. This steak through the heart leads to a rebirth of mind, body and soul. Choose wisely who to judge. Leap forth and cast a spell that will last forever. It is a tone of fear. Just as all of us spare ourselves the nuisance of senile delinquent bravery, so too do you realise what we have become. A pity party of miles and miles of stone. Unbothered and feather light. They shine a light on the wicked, we set the trenches for them to die. Rise from the ashes like a phoenix. And die again. This is what we call fate of words. Speech is just meandering thoughts finding their way to us through a disguise. A mask worn like a shield. It is messy business to not decide ourselves from entanglement. An escape from the world we choose. We seek refuge in confines of sanity. Everything else is just nonsensical strong arming, take a target out to the field, feast upon it. Remember who you are at the center. That is who you have always been. A disciple bearing fruit. From a tree in the desert. This seems rational for now atleast. It could last a lifetime. Pain, anger, meaning. All dissipate at the vision of a truth that is walking and feeling just like I do. That is who I choose for myself to be whole again. It drains me to see the plastic shelf empty. The books on the floor. Mud on the walls. A snake in the grass lurking for food. Watching me as I go. This is what it has become after all this time. A sight to see. Imagine if I step on it would it cry out for help or attack me as a gesture of love and admiration. To create you must first find where to place the calmness of your skin. Only then do you don the wool of the sheep. It is quite alarming to suggest otherwise but sincerely speaking it can go either way. Find a clasp and fit on a bunch of roses let them change in every way and water them back to life. That is the circle. It is quite a thing to behold. We are all here for pleasure and that is important for rest and counting on the last page. This mouth speaks volumes. It has mountains closing in and rapture of a banquet. Seize all information and take it home to unfold in a library of safety. Yet here we are. Unannounced and determined. Go ahead ask what you were going to ask. Say it with pride. It is only a sentence after all. Which of you is alive and who will be the decider of what happens next. Perhaps that is the beauty of the unknown. To dance with ash as armor. Perhaps our fate is sealed after all. Do dance for me
Oct 31, 2024
Top Recs from @cheyenne
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i started doing this because Im scared of sleep paralysis and my theory is that this prevents it. but in addition to all that, it makes vivid dreams
May 21, 2024
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I’m writing this for myself too, I haven’t been organized enough to actually do it. But how sexy would it be! To know why I’m feeling like burning down a bank
May 21, 2024
a doc about life in the florida villages, shot in such a beautiful way
I honestly don’t know how they got some of those shots
May 21, 2024