I healed a lot of attachment issues and it is a lot of work you need to do, coupled with the healing that can only be done through relationship.
First and foremost, our attachment issues always start with our parents. Sorry about it. You are going to have to go into the pain of not getting what you needed in childhood. Even the best parents with the best intentions don’t always get it right.
Once you not only understand where it comes from, but also free up some of the emotional space it is taking up, you can begin the process of becoming very aware of the thoughts and feelings that come up when you become fearful or avoidant. This is probably the heaviest part of the work. You are going to have to question all of your thoughts and feelings. Having a therapist you are working with can be really helpful in this process because they simply can provide an outside perspective.
Let’s say you have a wound from being cheated on in the past, and your partner is not texting you back right away and you start to spiral. first, you need to take some deep breaths and regulate yourself. Then you need to start questioning. Has this person given you a reason to not trust them? do you still have feelings you need to feel regarding the last time you were hurt? What is the fear? Are there actually things you need to discuss with your partner? The more you are able to question, the more discerning you can be on what is your intuition and what is your wounding. A personal story: I still have anxiety that comes up when my husband works late. It is both that I think he is dead, or that he could potentially be cheating on me. I know exactly where those fears come from (thanks dad!), and there is literally no reason to believe that they would be true. I literally imagine those thoughts as a younger version of myself, and I visualize giving that part of me a lot of love. I am regulating myself by imagining me regulating with child me.
A big thing for me was going slowly in relationships and really becoming more aware of red flags. You are never going to find a perfect person, but there are things that will be an obvious issue for you. On the other hand, there are issues that can be resolved with communication. Us avoidant types don’t want to be in that process, but that process is important. Unfortunately, the only way that you can learn to be trusting in relationships by practicing being trusting in relationships.
TLDR: focus on healing and exploring with yourself first, then slowly work to be in relationship.
Jul 9, 2024
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first and foremost, you definitely shouldn’t stop talking about it, if that’s what you want to do. if something is on your mind and you want to express it, i feel like the harmful thing to do would be to bottle it up! just keep talking about it as much as you feel you need to and i can guarantee you that, over time, it’ll plague you less and less. eventually it’ll just become another aspect of your life you‘ve successfully grown and learned from!
my advice re: getting back out there is to simply take it slow. be observant for any red flags that you think could be indicative of a larger issue. also, make your core values clear from day 1! if someone really wants to be in your life, they’ll make it clear that they hold similar values :)
also, be sure to set your boundaries. be honest about your past and let them know that you’re still healing from it. any genuinely empathetic human being will internalize what you shared with them and be understanding!
overall, i’d urge you to remember that most people are not like your ex; most people want to cultivate healthy and loving relationships! i can’t imagine what you’ve had to endure - but thankfully you get to go out there and meet the person who deserves your love !! it’s super exciting !! woo!!!!
best of luck ☺️
Apr 1, 2024
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i had to learn to let go of those exact questions as well.
although specific romantic situations weren't the main subject, therapy helped with reframing situations like this.
idk about you, but the why 'x' , should i 'y', how will i 'z' questions for me were often assuming some responsibility over what happened.
i think what i (and maybe you) needed to find out is why a fleeting connection upset me.
- did an interraction/ghosting make me feel insecure about my personality/looks?
- am i genuinely sad to be losing this person?
- am i missing the attention? (/did i think they were giving me something i can't [spoiler: you can] give myself?)
( +extra
why do i value their opinion [that i made up in my head because they never actually communicated it] of me more than my own?)
i believe most of these ghosting (-like) situations don't necessarily have as much depth. more than likely the ghoster hasn't made up an enormously morbid and horrendous picture of you in their head that made them uninterested.
i don't know if you met through a dating app but it's especially easy to lose connection on there.
there are some really cool and genuine people on there but very many humans like the rush of meeting someone new and once it's not giving them as much of the yummy brain chemicals they want the next thing. effort seems like a currency and unfortunately some run pretty low on those funds and periodicaly i do too (which is when i stop using the apps and save mine and others' time too).
and then of course there are personal reasons but anyway.
i try to look at brief connections like that as some warm up for someone really cool that's gonna come into my life and be grateful that it happened whatever way things turned out.
might be cool to write out some things that you are glad you experienced, things you learned about relationships and most importantly some things you learned about yourself!
i believe each person teaches something to you both about themselves and yourself, kinda like some sort of spiritual exchange
tldr:
- try not to assume responsibilty
- find out why it bothers you
- write down what you learned about yourself
Jul 21, 2024
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This time 4 years ago, I was reeling from the most embarrassingly heinous situationship that’s ever befallen anyone I know (lol this guy is perhaps a story for another time). Now I’m 2 years into living with the love of my life, thinking that I was too broken to ever get close to a human being again
Some of the (many) things that worked for me:
- Taking an extended period away from dating, far longer than I had thought. In a fucked up way, I think Covid saved my life since I functionally had no way to get back out there for 6+ months (I’m not counting those weird FaceTime dates). Even if you think you’re ready, it’s possible you could still benefit from time outside the cesspool just working on yourself and investing in friendships/hobbies/your career/learning new stuff/whatever.
- On a related note, therapy was very needed!
- Start a new, group hobby where you’ll see the same people each week. Not that you’ll forcibly end up dating someone you meet there, but an expanded circle often brings good into your life and it’s exciting to have something new in your life that isn’t tied to success on a dating app.
- Not to be that person since I always hated when people said this to me when I was single, but it always happens when you least expect it. All of the above contributes to a new you who isn’t yearning for it above all else. People are drawn to others who seem to be thriving without them and I promise you you’ll attract much higher quality people when you project this attitude (my own prospects were night and day since I was content in my own life and saw someone as additive not just looking for love/acceptance/contact from whoever could provide it).
Those are the things that came to me initially, but will keep noodling. Rooting for you ❤️
Apr 1, 2024
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This has become the norm and every day I grow more disturbed. I understand if somebody is behaving in a harmful way, that is good to document and put out there. But as a whole, it seems, we have become so comfortable with recording people just living their lives. I saw a video of a guy working and the caption of the video was that he was so hot, we needed to find him!!! Why are you providing the Internet with his face and location instead of just going up to talk to him? I saw another of two people on the subway, seemingly a couple, having a very emotional moment. How would you feel if you open up an app and saw a video like that of yourself? I don’t like this level of sibling society surveillance. Why are you videoing an elderly person with sad music dubbed over it to gain likes? It is WEIRD. Don’t even get me started on videos of children. It is WEIRD to use a stranger without their consent to get some kind of fake validation. Get a life.
I don’t mean to come on here and share something so negative, I just don’t have anywhere else to put it and it’s gnawing at me.
Oct 7, 2024
Feb 23, 2025
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It’s to keep us humble otherwise we’d be TOO hot/sexy/cool
Jul 3, 2024