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im a hardcore people pleaser. when i started getting into heroin heavily i noticed how when i was on the bus i was able to assert myself and be rude to people who deserved it. the compulsion to be a walking punching bag was something i loathed about myself. i was always the first to apologize when someone else bumped into me. it was humiliating, but i couldn’t stop it without dope.
eventually i found myself unable to financially maintain a 6 bag a day habit. i got on methadone. train rides into manhattan became unbearable as i sunk back into sycophantic hysteria. i could no longer advocate for myself when a creep sat across the aisle staring at me for 10 stops. i gazed at my phone, unable to look away for a second in case i accidentally made eye contact with yet another creep who wouldn’t leave me alone. so i started taking xanax. like heroin, it allowed me to slip into bitchiness easily.
i’ll save you all the whining about how awful heroin and xanax addiction was. it’s obvious why using drugs to be a bitch isn’t sustainable. it took a long time but i quit xanax and got off methadone. a little over a year ago i cut out the last three mind altering substances in my daily rotation. in a fresh state of clarity, i found myself right back where i was ten years prior.. being a doormat to assholes on public transportation.
getting high definitely allowed me to be the bitch i always wanted to be.
but (in my authentic corny ass overly earnest fashion) i have found my life to be more full by accepting myself and dealing with who i really am. using drugs to put me in bitch mode didn’t make me that bitch. the yearning for acceptance just festered deeper and deeper inside of my core. i’m still working on my people pleasing ways, one interaction at a time. i guess it’s something that i’ll always have to fight. but i feel so much stronger facing my flaws with a clear mind.
i continue to be the first to apologize when someone bumps into me on the bus. it’s ok though. slowly i am gaining the ability to advocate for myself when it really matters. without being a bitch.
Jul 22, 2024
Jul 22, 2024
