My mom is a wounded person that has never once worked on her issues. We are in an okay place now, honestly because I am now married and have children. If it wasn’t for that, I don’t know where I would stand with her. She very obviously did not like me for most of my life (which is crazy because I’m delightful!). Because of that, I spent years not speaking to her while I worked on healing from all of that, plus more.
I’ve been thinking about your question a lot. I am a mother, but I also work with mothers. I am a child therapist that not only works with children, but also their parents. Most parents that bring their kids to me love their children, but don’t know what to do. I’ve witnessed parents that I know love their children, and I’ve seen give them so much love, also act in ways that are toxic or abusive. I think every single parent has generational trauma unless they have intentionally worked on it.
I’m going to try to share some of my thoughts, although it will probably never feel complete or right.
I am a good mother to a 3 1/2 year year-old and eight month old, Here is what I intentionally do: I give lots of physical affection, and lots of praise. I praise my children when they are doing some thing that is helpful, that is kind, that I know is difficult for them. I try to ignore negative bids for attention as long as they are not dangerous. If my child makes a mistake, I react like it’s no big deal. If I do lose my cool, which does happen, I model how to regulate myself and I apologize. I always repair when it’s needed. Every day, I work in telling them how much I love them, and how happy I am that I get to be their mother. My 3 1/2 year-old is still sometimes slow to warm, and I never once pushed him to detach for me before he was ready. When something stops working, I take the time to see where I need to adjust. Just about every evening I run through our day and think about what went well or didn’t, what was going on, how I reacted, how I was feeling, how my kids were feeling. As parents, we need to lead the emotional environment. I will sometimes look up where my kids are at developmentally to make sure I am not putting too much demand on them. I let my 3 1/2 year-old negotiate. I think negotiation is an important skill. When I say no, he knows I’m serious. It’s clear when negotiating is not going to happen. I pay attention to their attitude and behaviors and lead them to what will best regulate them. I embrace and engage their curiosity. I try my best to be a safe person for them so that no matter what, they know I’ve got their backs.
There is so much more that I could say, but I am going to stop there. All of that works for me because I am me, and my kids are who they are. I feel I should shout out my husband because he is an active father and partner, and I can be a good mother because of that support. As my kids age, I know there are going to be struggles. I know there are going to be things that come out of left field for me and I’m going to have to figure out how to handle it. But what I’ve learned in the few years I've been a parent is that no hard period lasts forever.
I learned how to be a mother because I learned how to mother myself first. I spent a lot of years learning how to care and love for myself. I feel very, very grateful for my past self. Focus on that first. Become Your Own Mother.
Nov 18, 2024
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my father has always been super judgmental and critiquing, but my mom is the direct opposite. That I love about her the most. ive been something of a difficult kid to deal with, getting into trouble, lying all the time, living very unorthodox within my culture, and she’s always been in my corner despite it all trying to help me grow. so a good mom in my eyes would do that. root for her kids and help them through anything without putting them down at their lowest. I hope your experience will be a means for you to become an immensely greater parent yourself at some point, because that can be a really huge driving force. 🖤
Nov 18, 2024
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because you knew for so long she was coming and now that she is here you’re so grateful that you did the work of healing generational wounds and mother trauma for yourself because now she will reap all of the benefits of that and even though she will experience her own hardship, it will be different from your own and she will have a mother that will love and be there for her unconditionally 🥲
Oct 22, 2024
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...and i choose to love my mom, continuously. The older i get the more i understand her choices. I think, also, she has obviously evolved, taken accountability over the years and i'm really proud of how far we've come. We are all deeply flawed, but it's what we do with it, towards others, that really matters imo and my mom has led her whole life applying that logic, sometimes erroneously but with full intention.
Wouldn't have been able to see that in my 20's but i am so grateful to have her in my life as we are now, and i look back at all our fights and tears with gratitude, because we were able to work through it, and choose each other through it all. I look forward to whatever comes next!
Nov 16, 2024
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This has become the norm and every day I grow more disturbed. I understand if somebody is behaving in a harmful way, that is good to document and put out there. But as a whole, it seems, we have become so comfortable with recording people just living their lives. I saw a video of a guy working and the caption of the video was that he was so hot, we needed to find him!!! Why are you providing the Internet with his face and location instead of just going up to talk to him? I saw another of two people on the subway, seemingly a couple, having a very emotional moment. How would you feel if you open up an app and saw a video like that of yourself? I don’t like this level of sibling society surveillance. Why are you videoing an elderly person with sad music dubbed over it to gain likes? It is WEIRD. Don’t even get me started on videos of children. It is WEIRD to use a stranger without their consent to get some kind of fake validation. Get a life.
I don’t mean to come on here and share something so negative, I just don’t have anywhere else to put it and it’s gnawing at me.
Oct 7, 2024
Feb 23, 2025
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I’m curious what your brains are like
1d ago