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i have been home from uni for a while over christmas break. i think about this often but i genuinely believe that uni has allowed me to grow so much as a person, to find the parts of myself that i really needed, and to understand the importance of connecting with others. and it is lovely to go home and be able to see my familiar environments in a new light based on things i have experienced at uni. but it does hurt me how easy it still is, despite all this, for me to fall back into my old habits when i am at home; being unproductive, doom scrolling, the way i can actively feel myself wasting time. i am aware that these are things that negatively impact my mood, and yet i still find myself caught up in them. i wish i understood why i do this. maybe it is the fact that i was working so hard at uni and i have simply crashed here. i have come to understand the concept of taking a real break fairly recently. but i feel as though a break should be healing. and i just wish i could read, or post on here, do things that i know will inspire me as default, instead of reverting to actions that make me feel worse. i believe i can get to that point, every day is a new day and a new chance to live it the way i want to. i am doing my best. maybe my mind is at conflict with itself; it needs a break, but also needs to feel productive, so it does neither. i am working on finding the balance. everything is a work in progress.
Dec 28, 2024
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I recently decided to take a gap semester while approaching the finish line of my degree. I had a big ol cry about it, sat with it, told the people I loved and asked only for their support, and started carrying myself through.
When it comes to the push and shove of change, look behind you and notice the ways in which the universe/ your intuition knew about the decision all along. For me, I saw that I held left a trail of clues of my better-knowingness.
I originally was supposed to take this semester as part of an exchange program. I remember months ago, holding off to the last minute to apply to this university. Upon acceptance, I received emails about advice for students, my next steps, all of which I mostly ignored. Upon arriving to the UK, I didnāt participate in a lot of the international student sessions I signed up for. I arrived 2 weeks before classes, and spent time exploring, making art, travelling and not going to more than one information session. I didnāt get my student ID, sign up for the wifi, look over my classas in depth. Iām a grade-A nerd, so the burnout was visible before I even processed it.
Making this decision, to take time to make time, felt so incredibly right. the confidence in trusting that yeahā¦ I needed thatā¦ was reverberated in every conversation I had weeks forward. even my next steps, talking to advisors, shuffling paperwork, telling my professorsā¦ none of it felt as hard as actually applying to this university.
You know more than you think you do. focus on what youāve been hinting at all along. Trust yourself, and the march will surely continue
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Oct 23, 2024
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im not very good at this. i tend to blame my circumstances for my behavior and my mood but genuinely that can only go so far. at some point you have to go out of your way to make your life what you want it to be.
donāt like your hair? cut it. cant seem to do well in classes? talk to professors. feeling unproductive or stuck? go sit in the sun or something. we canāt fix some things, i cant work less or have a different relationship with people in my life but i can do these small things to take ownership of my own life.
currently for me this looks like reading virginia woolf, doing yoga at 1 in the morning, washing my work apron once a week, and spending a lot of time with my uncle.
Feb 22, 2024
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I have the worst fear of staying in one place for too long (both literally & metaphorically) but I think whatās even more dangerous than that is the desire to stay in that rut forever even though itās not serving you !! That happens to me because Iām so scared of failing or to be seen trying for something but not reaching it in the end.
I am feeling so inspired after coming home from a concert & I am allowing myself to bask in that sense of renewal !! Like wow itās okay that I want to write again despite not doing so for months now! Itās okay that Iām getting into photography again after not honouring my commitment to practise it in the past few months! I am learning more and more from personal experience + observation that some doors only open at the right time and there are times when the right thing to do is to actively pursue something, while there are times when we have to sit still + wait and see
Jul 17, 2024
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i actually havenāt thought about this a lot but there are definitely spots i always gravitate towards. i love the library so much, especially the 5th floor where all the books for my subjects are, being surrounded by things i know so much about, and yet i am still constantly learning more. this is so precious to me. i am very passionate about what iām studying. and there is a japanese restaurant on campus, i have many good memories of visiting there with my friends and it is just comforting to me because i love japanese food. my favourite spot is definitely the lakes. my uni is built on a park so there is a lot of green space which i am grateful for. feeding the ducks is my favourite thing to do.
Dec 27, 2024
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happy memories of watching these movies with my family, including the new one this year which was AMAZINGš«¶ it is always beautiful to think about how some things stay with us our whole lives, like our love of certain movies, songs, foodsā¦
Dec 27, 2024
been obsessed with aziyaās ep ābambiā. i feel like i discovered it at the perfect time in my life, itās such a beautiful feeling when you find songs that just feel like you and exactly when you need them
Dec 27, 2024