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28 March 2024
āI never used to be this insecure
Itās strangeĀ
I donāt recognise my new self
I thought this worry made me a better personā
-me
āI thought all this worry made me a better person.ā Trapped in the illusion that if I thought about everything enough I could win at life, I would be the kindest, most successful, mature and ration person I could be. for me being irrational was worse than death. itās ironic isnāt it?
A teenage girl ridden in shame, misplaced desire and overwhelming hate for myself, my past and all actions I had partaken in. The type of shame that feels like a splitting headache thatās been around for years. The type of shame that makes you throw up on nature walks because the silence of the trees becomes a theatre projecting all the terrible things you have done and said. Shame was my water, shame was the ground beneath my feet, shame was the sun wrapping around me and leaving my body tingling on a hot day. Shame was inescapable and replaced all my pleasures with pain.
With many anxieties and obsessions i have had previously there was irrational elements to them, my great fears were bazaar and shockingly niche. This new obsession was a wolf wrapped up in a warm fuzzy logical cloak That loved to remind me of all the horrific parts of myself. But how could it stop following me this haunting picture of myself and the people I had hurt, how could I fix any of it. how could I even face it.
With this dilema of having a guilty conscious finally explode on me like a shaken bottle of Pepsi waiting for its escape. I choose there is nothing but to fix it. fix it all. But how? i Decide I must think about it. all the time. This would form a punishment to myself that meant i was doing a service to those Iād hurt. Secondly whenever I have a good time or a moment of joy, I would remind myself that this was unfair and I must return to my shame because I was still in guilt jail and owed it to those I had hurt. thirdly I would from now on do everything perfectly and not hurt a single soul ever again, they could hurt me all they wanted. but I could not hurt them. I couldnāt possibly bare adding any extra shame on to the debt I was in to the gods or karma or just myself.
This ofc was all stupid
Very stupid
After turmoil and finding myself completely unable to form proper connections because of my obsession with being perfect all the time for absolutely everyone ever I was broken. More broken than before. how have I done it wrong again. This punishment hasnāt changed anything! Not the people I hurt! Not myself! And Iām hurting more people. I wanted to die. this part funny or not. Dramatic or not. It was true. I didnāt want to be alive. I didnāt want to think. all I wanted was to do it all again. Be a better me a kinder me one who didnāt yell at her mother, go To school drunk, sleep with the wrong people, be a terrible friend to someone to trusted me dearly, talk shit and gossip about people I love. I wish I havenāt done any of it. I wish I had never had sex. I wish I didnt know what sex was. I wish I never drank. I wish I never let anyone kiss me. I wish I never was a teenager. I wish I didnāt need to learn how to be good. I wish I wish I wish I just knew. Just knew how to be good. Like those people who come out the womb shining and loving with fountains of patience and love. It wasnāt me. I came out kicking and screaming and selfish and I stayed that way for years. but I couldnt change this I couldnt wish it all away or run away or kill myself.
So I had to accept
I had to apologise
And I had to love
And stop fucking thinking for one second.
Iām ending this terribly for the sole Reason my figures hurt but long story short I confronted my shame with love and compassion. And Iām aloud to fuck up we all are and I no longer want to die. This isnāt simple and Iām making it sound I have to practice everyday for this. But Iām happy and I love my life and myself and Iām so proud of me. And I did this in less than a year. SO FUCK OCD and yay me
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I don't really know how to start this post, so I'll let out the word vomit.
As days pass, I sometimes find myself more confident, appreciating my physical appearance and grateful for what I can handle mentally and emotionally. Some days I acknowledge I'm smart, pretty, funny.
Yet other times I can't see any of that.
A lot of times I don't really see myself as pretty, incapable of remembering a simple equation, I feel as if I'm a wet towel thrown on my friend's and loved ones. Maybe I compare myself to others often and that's my issue, that I see myself as lowly yet other times I put my self worth as high.
I'm a very back and forth kind of girl if you didn't know already. I do have my moments however when I give in and embrace what I am, a girl who spends more time doing my makeup than studying, and what I enjoy like playing Hello Kitty games when I finish schoolwork or watch reality television, maybe spiral into a rabbit hole of lore after learning about a new game.
But I can't deny the weirdness I feel when nobody understands what I'm talking about.
They say 'to be cringe is to be free' but God does it make you writhe with displeasure when you're the cringey one.
I'm coming to accept and realize that I can be harsh and cruel to myself, especially when it comes to my abilities to perform hobbies I'm passionate about. I've stopped drawing for a month because of these impending thoughts.
It's like wearing a suit of flesh in hopes of getting some idea of what you are for some sense of clarity.
Maybe it's because I am just a girl, or it's the human experience nobody talks about. If we did, maybe we wouldn't feel as alone or awkward but oh well, what can you do?
Slowly but surely I have come to accept and embrace myself despite the faults I carry.
Feb 19, 2025
That's what I wrote two weeks into the cupboard after a healthy dosage of crying. Picture shows the state of the cupboard at that point. My home was fucked.
While cutting wood, I once again caught myself seething at my father. He stuffed my head with a million useless bits of nonsense but never found the time for actual knowledge or skills. So I stepped into the big world armed with the wisdom that "all Germans are fascists," "you shouldnāt stand out," and "razor blades can be changed once a year, donāt fall for corporate tricks." Meanwhile, I had no idea how to properly hammer a nail.
Waltzing on the edge of slicing my fingers off, I cursed him to high heaven. Every skill had to be begged from YouTube or acquired through cuts. And thatās on top of digging out a hundred idiotic clichĆ©s and racist banalities from my head. Thanks for nothing, you piece of shit.
But then, somehow, I felt lighter. Fuck that asshole and his colleagues in the grand guild of assholery.
Iām at the age where I definitely donāt need to become the "best version of myself" anymoreāenough of that, please.
I just need to be a decent version of my own responsible adult.
The kind who explains, teaches, entertains, and helps. The kind who doesnāt try to destroy or sadden you. And in this concept, where youāre your own Parent 1/2/15 Pro Max, it becomes easier to look at both age and baggage.
Youāre standing exactly where they failed with you. Donāt fail yourself. Help, make yourself laugh, and donāt let yourself slice your fingers off.
Feb 3, 2025
i forgot my headphones at home. i was about to either
1) pump black country new road
2) watch brooklyn 99.
i miss being passionate about things, not being able to sleep, eat, speak,
or fathom anything beyond the apple
of my eye and the fruit of my thoughts.
i miss waking up with one thing in mind, how i would explore it that day, and how i would explore it the next
itās been people
itās been sewing
guitar
driving
religion
philosophy
photography
writing
filming
blogging
i think, regardless of any tik tok data explosion with the intention of ripping out each of my brain cells to keep me submissive and docile because of a wrecked attention span, iām not a girl of her commitments- i get bored.
and i am bored. i feel this lack of passion so deeply in my body, its been a catalyst for the recent crashouts ive had ( and thereās been plenty) i donāt know how to stay, and work hard, and allow myself to grow to what i want to be right in this instance. not to shine my own shoes, but iām not super used to being bad at things. iāve always always always coasted, and now that im trying to be a gaf (give a fuck) filled girl, ive realized, sucking at something hurts a lot more when youāve put in the work to be good at it.
if it wasnāt me writing this, and my best friend called me and told me this word for word, i would tell her how normal that feeling was, and that she herself knew what to do; commit. and that is my advice, dear sweet amalia, commit, commit, commit.
Feb 18, 2025
Top Recs from @notalex
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It is summer time and everyone is out dancing and drinking, meeting new lovers or growing with old lovers. I am left watching as I work for money and for a better version of myself. My winter was wild and shocking with polycules and new friends, flirting and drinking everyday barely had a second to look after myself let alone my dog(Ted). the strangest thing is how Iām very happy not doing much, I love my own company and Iām getting a complete 8 hours of sleep with no lovers to keep me awake at night or disrupt my eating schedule from nausea. I feel wrong for this though like I should be making every memory possible, Jam Pack as many emotions and experiences as I can whilst young and itās summer. but Iām so happy, I need to stop being mean to myself, for changing my mind on what I truly want.
Dec 13, 2024
I know by Fiona Apple has been replayed many times this week as I actually begin to process a break up from months ago. His ex texted me too so all the emotions are going crazy
Jan 24, 2025
As I draw my friend playing guitar and my other doing origami in the same room. How nice is it to be close to people and not have to be anything other than yourself. Completely separate in activity but together in space <333
Jan 3, 2025