🌜
In my most vulnerable moments (intoxicated, 3am, on an airplane, etc.), I remember all of my “love you”s; each person I’ve held tenderly in my heart and body; each friend I’ve shared late nights and soul secrets with. Do they know that they still hold a piece of me, that I still hold a piece of them? Do they know that the hum of a song, or the smell of backwoods, or the words on a page conjure their being in my mind? Do they know how often I think of them, how often I jog my mind back a few months or years to our casual and frequent visits? Our traditions? What comes of these faded soul ties; do I fumble with the frays and let go? Do I memorialize them in some kind of journal, a photo, an occasional phone call? How do I say goodbye to all of my ”love you”s?
Jan 4, 2025
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In threefold lives and twofold tears I hold my breath but I can’t pretend it’s not happening anymore. I keep finding myself saying “we’re graduating” again and again with no intonation because I truly don’t know what to feel. Maybe it’s a manifestation or maybe it’s just a recognition of the eventual, the eventuality of the end of the various hues I’ve been painted with at scad. In my minds eye lives a collage of all of the people whom I’ve cherished for four, (or five years if you count dual enrollment), to say I love them is an egregious understatement. To say I will miss them is simply diminishing an actuality. With me I carry this collage of love it keeps me warm when I am cold, and tender when I am stone. I helped me grow into my bones. Seen me and shone, people I’ve adored. I leave this place adorn with knowledge and love and a want for more. Chest heave practical in armor, holding onto the alternate dream of me, hoping, hoping for an offer, offering a life I am to live, if I just turn and run, if I just turn and run this time, lime green coconut leaves, spotted bedroom sheets, but the change is making me feel like i’ve already tried to hold myself a million little times, I try again, felicity in the way I falter, tell you endlessly, screaming colors of the ocean, push me in I adore it, let me live, I pour it out, strangers color me in the night, pieces of each of our mind, in a way we see each other demise each time, turn in, torn into sequins, sequential nightmares, its going to just end, in a way that I sink through the sun, into I construe again, I was just eighteen when I started this, made some friends I cherish, even, even if I lose them, I’ll still have a memory, of my beloveds smiling back at me, seen me grow, seen me weak, bleeding in through my knees, crying on their shoulders, painful hollow little laughter, walking through a tunnel, holding onto each other, I’ll love them like no other like a dream, no other could it be, in my perfect dream, many lifetimes lived with thee.
May 4, 2025
⭐
though words feel too small for what i feel for you, i still want to try.
we fell in love fast.
faster than i knew was possible. and so, so deep.
like something in me had been waiting quietly for you, and the second you arrived, it stood up and said, finally.
it was sudden, intense, and real.
you opened a door in me i didn’t even know was closed—and i stepped through without hesitating.
and that kind of falling… is beautiful. and terrifying.
because when something touches you this deeply, you know it’ll leave a marK.
and i know—whatever happens—this will break me.
at least for a whiLe.
but i wouldn’t take a single second bacK.
because loving you has meant loving all of you.
the way you draw, and your inner child comes out through your hanDs.
the way your body lights up when you skate, like it remembers freedom.
the way you get frustrated sometimes—but never shut down. you stay open, soft, human.
i love how you hold it together with graCe.
how you melt into my arms at the end of the day and let me hold you like you’ve been needing it.
i love how you care so deepLy.
how you notice things most people don’t.
how you believe there’s more out there for you—because there is.
and yes, selfishly, i wish that “more” included mE.
i love that you get annoyed when i turn away from you in my slEep.
that you want me close—even then.
i love your gentleness.
your firE.
your mind.
your spirit.
the way you see me. and let me see you.
and now i’m packing my life into boXes.
getting ready for cologne.
while you’re still here in barcelona—though maybe not foreVer.
it hurts to leave.
it hurts to see that little crack in your smile that i know wasn’t there before.
i hate that i’m the reaSon for it.
but love like this doesn’t just vanish.
it shifts. it stretches. it finds new ways to stay aLive.
and i believe we will figure this out.
not overnight. not without pain.
but we wiLl.
because this doesn’t feel like the end of our story.
it feels like a pause. a transforMation. a deep breath.
you are something i didn’t expect—but something i’ll never forget.
and i love you, in all your layers.
always,
m
Jul 7, 2025
There's few things that humans can't live without
Food
Water
Oxygen
Yet there are also things that we ingrained in ourselves we cannot live without; internet, the trip for coffee every morning, trinkets and charms. For me, besides falsies and Sonny Angels, it's having a person; having security, someone to catch me if I fall, a person to help me when I'm stuck in a hole.
I find that when I am with him that none of my time is wasted spent loving him.
I miss him terribly.
My bed still smells like him, his gifts are scattered around my room, he is a prisoner in my thoughts that I have no intention of letting go. I miss his warmth, his smell, his voice, absolutely everything.
He makes me want to be better, for him, for others, for myself. He's taught me to see beauty in things and those around me and in turn helping me love and see the beauty in myself.
He makes me nervous but in a good way. Every touch, promise, compliment still gives me butterflies so much so they may as well reside within me. Its a feeling I will continue to chase as my bones weaken, my skin wrinkles, and my hair matches the moon. I've never known stability until he entered my life.
He is a theif of my heart, slipping in with a smile and stealing every beat before I even knew they were his to take. He has poured love into places that were once empty, never leaving me parched.
2d ago
