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Since the first time I watched Billy Wilder's 1959 film Some Like It Hot, Marilyn Monroe's first line, a breathy, black& white whisper, haunted me:
"I'm 25 years old, that's a quarter of a century. Really makes a girl think."
At twelve, I believed that by 25 I would look like Marilyn Monroe and also be on the cusp of getting married like her character, Sugar. At twelve, I believed 25 meant you were an adult, doing exciting adult things
like having money to spend on wants (not just needs),
and looking at buying a home,
and working in a high power firm,
and getting accolades for how incredible I was,
and getting ready for the rest of my life.
But I turned 25 yesterday and none of that came true. What a scam.
A quarter of a century really does make a girl think. I don't want the life I imagined at twelve, but something is still missing from my life right now. I just moved to a new city, dyed my hair red and -here's the best part- applied for unemployment on my birthday!! Who knew that wifi-bills were so expensive and that I probably won't buy Cabot Cheese again untl I'm in my 30's (Seriously, I'm concerned why store-brand cheese is so much cheaper...are we even eating dairy?) I'm feeling untethered and foggy on what comes next, and if there's anything I do still want from my pre-teen fantasy life it's direction. Purpose. Sense of self. Confidence. To be getting ready for the rest of my life. Where do I find that now??
But all is not lost. After all there's 364 more days of being 25 and it feels- more than past birthdays- like this really is a fresh new chapter. A complete blank page. I just moved to a new big city! I just dyed my hair! I'm unemployed! Seems as good time as any to start a perfectly imperfect record. Stay tuned.
What about you? What did turning 25 mean to you? Anyone have a leash to help me pull myself back in?
Jan 8, 2025
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I turned 21 in february 2020, so, ya know. My world changed quick.
But truly I just remember trying various things, trying to define and undefine myself. Feeling what it felt like to stick to my guns, then readjust them. I was in the middle of what would be a 2.5 year relationship. I didn't kid myself with picturing a big future anymore than what was sweet, which was wonderful. I was living with a partner for the first time and felt like I knew what to do, like I was experienced enough for all the problems which faced me. but really I was just experienced enough to start so many things.
I was constantly bouncing between total pride and complete faliure. Playing house in a house I was actually renting with friends. Experimenting with what grocery shopping for myself meant to my life, redifining how I was going to live my days in the future.
The best thing I did in my 21st year of life was not be too mean to myself for not committing, and just committing to new things. I would go dance in the park, go on walks, edit music. All things I wish I did on the regular but regardless, by trying new things, it made it so much easier to pick them up, because I had a frame of reference for the world.
I loved being 20, as depressed as I was. That specific creativity is gone. But now I am 25 and know how to weild my own magic. The depth I have always felt within my soul has farther definition. Its like I put on glasses in a 7th dimention. Don't underestimate the beautiful growth ahead. Yes you are an adult, equipped hopefully to start so many new things. But keep up that internal work, and the years will be bountiful towards true inner peace.
And soo many more new tools to better learn how to tackle issues while still feeling like yourself.
u got this. stay true to urself but be flexibl with redifining who that is.
x
Jun 12, 2024
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i honestly havenāt really put real hard thoughts to this but the other night at the porter robinson show, he had this transition where the screen asked questions such as ādo you remember what your baby teeth felt likeā and āwhen was the last time you hugged your mom,ā and i stood there realizing i donāt really experience nostalgia in that sense, and i donāt really process the passing of time in that sense, but it did make me realize iām way, way older now
besides the obvious things such as noticing your parents getting older, i think this year i finally felt it for real. whether itās younger friends pointing out that iām 25 and their tone just sounded like theyāre scared of that number (haha), or me catching up with my older friends and they are telling me about their plans and wishes about turning 30
itās the act of having to be responsible for yourself, really really having to do that this time, and having to plan ahead despite iāve always just lived life as it standsāand how much iām struggling to do it. how frustrating it is to face the problems iāve been running away from and still having no idea how to fix them, but just knowing that iāll have to, that really feels like growing up
anyway this is too longāš¼
Sep 13, 2024
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This could change when I hit 40 (lmao), but the older I get, the more confident I know who I am. I feel more and more sure of myself, and less and less concerned with how others view me.
My life is my own, and comparing it to other's is a disservice to myself and the path I'm now on.
Do I still experience guilt, regrets, doubt? Of course I do.
Do I know what I'm doing with my life? I might have less of a clue than I did in my twenties.
Do I still feel like a weird little freak, like I did in my teens? Hell yeah, some stuff just never changes.
I still enjoy things I loved as a child, like video games, Pokemon, stuffed animals, and giggling.
I still enjoy things I loved as a teen, like pop punk music, being annoying, and singing whenever the mood strikes.
I still enjoy things I loved in college, like dancing enthusiastically, writing amateurish poetry, and crushing on women who will never, ever be into me.
But now I'm just...30. More health issues. More scars. More silvery hairs that sparkle in the sun like some vampiric trope made real.
But also...more memories that sweeten with time. More time spent in awe and revelry. More reveling in the beauty of nature. More of my own innate nature revealed to me as I sit with myself more, alone.
I feel thirty, flirty, and thriving. I also feel as a child, as a teen, as a drunken young adult, bumbling around without knowing if what I'm doing is right.
I'm just doing my best. That's all you really can do; embrace how you are now, and how you are tomorrow, and again, and again, and again.
May 13, 2024
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By far the most meaningful birthday to me. I know it soundās like delinquent behavior but I felt so lucky to have friends who wanted to be all together so long and spend time with me on my birthday. I broke it up with different activities to keep it funā¦ and also did 24 shots in the one dayā¦kept it fun in a different way
Jan 8, 2025