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i've been facing paralysis when i have to do something that i'm anxious about. i know at the end it'll be something "good for me", but that in itself doesn't stop the anxieties i have. waiting on it and stewing in my thoughts isn't helping me feel better. so, why not do things scared? the fear will be there regardless.
i'm trying to push through the fear and do things anyways. for example, i have a gap year in between my graduation and my job. the thought of applying to jobs in this market fills me with undeniable dread, but i'm doing it anyways one job at a time.
(on a side note, one anti-recommendation i have is the modern job hunt. why the fuck is this so hard)
the things we "have" to do feel like a deep pool sometimes. scream as you take the plunge, and you come out on the other end feeling a little bit lighter.
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recently been feeling the fight or flight instinct kick in as i near the end of grad school, turning 26, losing the parents' health insurance, the end of my internship, the impending post-grad school career search, and the end of my lease and having to move - all of which are happening during august. in times like these where i find myself on the precipice of a new stage of life, i find that i either A.) can't wait to begin the next stage and i'm restless and impatient to get the current stage over with, B.) dread the end of the current stage that i've grown comfortable with and stress about needing to plan and structure out what's next to feel more prepared, or C. ) both.
to keep from getting overwhelmed, the motto i always return to is "swim to the wall." i'm not a swimmer, but from what i know about the sport you can't finish the lap you're on until you hit the wall, push off, and get going in a new direction. basically, it's a reminder to see through what you've been working on until the end, give your best effort even though - and maybe especially because - you're almost done, and then build momentum and give yourself the best launch into the next lap. maybe you can't see what lies ahead in the next lap because you were so focused on keeping pace that you forgot you would need to swim in another direction at some point, but you gotta keep swimming. staying in one place and treading water can become exhausting if you haven't reached your resting point, and it will make it harder to change direction once you lose momentum. you need to keep chuggin, get to the end, then push off as hard as you can. you gotta swim to the wall.
Jun 26, 2024
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i’m applying to jobs and i have constant anxiety over whether or not i’m “capable of doing it” or “making the right decision”
tonight i’ve decided there is no way to make a wrong decision because i will be gaining skills regardless!
and if i hate it, i stick it out for a year and then change again!
it’s that simple
Feb 21, 2024
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Trying new things and pushing through it all. It feels like shit to be active about what i do in life, but it also benefits me a lot. It helps me stay away from the bad.
Feb 4, 2025
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a lot of hobbies pushed to us are surrounded by consumption. we watch shows, movies. consume albums, buy clothes and items, etc. not that there's anything inherently wrong with consuming, but consumption without creation breeds dullness.
we all have creativity within us. it gets beaten out when there are expections to commoditize your creativity. you feel the need to be the best, to be perfect in the first shot at something.
creation without the expectation of consumption is how we push back. i write poetry, even if it sucks. i drew a pig going to bed in a room full of disproportinately sized furniture because i felt like it. i'm looking to start dancing again.
the world has so much that's yet to be made, and we're blessed with the ability to contribute to that body of art.
Jan 8, 2025
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i love treating myself like i'm an aristocrat in training. my education should be well-rounded - versed in intellectual pursuits of science and economics but also artistic pursuits like literature and creation, physicalities like dancing, practicalities like cooking. everything is simply something to be learned, and when we learn we can adapt to whatever bullshit is happening in the world.
Jan 19, 2025
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i use the app more than the website but you get to listen to radio stations from all over the world!
Jan 8, 2025