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the other day i went out to an unfinished nuclear plant with some old highschool friends. we cut a hole in the fence and ran to one of the massive, truly massive cooling towers. it was terrifyingly big, like really, seriously, huge. it was my third time there and definitely had not lost any of its effect on me. the four of us stood underneath it for a good forty minutes. looking up through the top to see the last touch of sunset resting on the rim, and later planets. we stood there for long stretches of silence until someone would shift their weight and the crunch of a couple pebbles underfoot would echo so loud and clear we could all hear it.
we sang there in the echo beneath the tower until it was totally dark.
later, in the front seat of my best friendās car as we played american football i cried. i donāt think anyone noticed, i think they were busy with whatever they were thinking about. i cried because of how long i had gone wanting this feeling. that i hadnāt seen these old friends in months and had been struggling to meet anyone i felt could be the kind of people i wanted to really love like i did my friends from highschool.
i want people to love so badly, to go to a sketchy abandoned nuclear plant and watch the sunset and sing together. we forget how long it takes to make friends like that i guess. itās only been one semester, and i shouldnāt let that be me down.
i love you all so much :)
Jan 29, 2025
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Sometimes it just pops out of nowhere, sometimes itās just a passing memory and sometimes out of the blue I feel the weight of what happened. I had a best friend, a person with which I connected in a way I never did with anyone. She moved out of the city and with that she stopped any communication with me. I miss her. I miss her so much. I feel like I must have fucked up big time for this to be happening. In our last call I told her I was worried we would lose contact with the distance and she told me it would never happen. I believed her. Itās a weird sadness; most of the time I can see clearly that more than try to text her I cannot do much and Iām angry or confused about the situation but it passes, I go by my day. But sometimes this wave of sadness arrives and I remember how she made me laugh, how she looked at me, the day we actually talked like friends for the first time and then it hits me that we might have spoken for the last time. how could that be? I still believe her. One day sheāll call me and my memories of today will fade and get replaced by others of us together.
I should have called her more, told her more times how I loved her, how she was beautiful, we should have gone to more concerts together, we should have said yes to that dude who wanted to interview us for a tiktok. We should have when there still was a we.
One day talking about relationships, I mentioned how incapable I am at letting go and how sometimes I start to resent the person I canāt let go for the things we do to each other. So maybe itās all for the best, maybe Iām being spared, maybe it will save our memories from being tainted, maybe thatās all the time meant for us. I donāt know but I wish I did.
Jan 18, 2025
ā¤ļø
Thinkin about Francescaās backyard and how the trees would dance around our morning coffee and smoke and she would close her eyes. She was so beautiful man and I miss her like hell
Feeling like I got a big broken heart and i donāt got it in me to carry it around today
And the air being gentle and warm like itās been reminds me of driving to his house with the windows all down, that perfect blue pouring in . How he would run out to my car and pull me out of my seat.
do you guys remember that meme of the kid screaming crying and going EMMA I FUCKING MISS YKU SO MUCH lollll im feeling that kid today that guy knew what the fuck was up. No matter how much time passes I canāt shake the feeling . I know it was a privilege to love these people at all and I have much gratitude to whatever merciless yet loving being we got overseeing business up there but it does terrify me to think that the people I felt the most seen by and felt safest with can just come go .
May 1, 2024
āļø
and a solar storm raged
the sky to soft pink
in the garden Iād watered that morning.
Weād just agreed it was to be
our last summer here
Together, and we said
āI will remember this foreverā
and meant it.
It was the week it felt my dreams began
and I bled through my underwear
on the way to the London show.
Discovered Jo was to die soon,
on the way to Sheffield.
It was 23 degrees in May
and my thighs wore shining
beads of sweat,
while I read that theyāre going to drop bombs on Rafah
and cried to the red Robin
roosting in the ivy.
That week I felt so proud
And so ashamed.
So happy
And so sad.
That week i saw my idols live
and die.
Saw my nephew roll for the first time.
Asked my lover to move in,
trembling as I did.
I felt fear rip through my torso
as I rubbed tiger balm into my aching neck
and traced the silver sliver of the moon
with camphor scented fingers.
It was the week it all began
Or ended,
The week I saw Mitski live,
The week my dad fell off his bike,
The week Albini died,
The week I saw the Northern Lights
and cried and cried and cried,
The week before I turned 29.
- I wrote this on Saturday. Last week was the most mental week.
May 13, 2024
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boy do i love hitbox. totally legit, nu, textural awesomeness.
not to mention only a two piece.
Jan 30, 2025