🕸️
I’ve spent the whole morning looking for a lost key that would open all the doors. It was like waking up small cuts in the throat, like searching for the past and remembering the pain. Another thing crossed off the list, but was it worth coming back home? Will it help to bang your head against the doors?
What we do is shameful, it’s shameful to neglect what we have around
Walking back home, I unplugged myself and looked up at the sky. It was 8:34 PM and there were a few stars. I realized the trap - dispersion. I don’t know how long it’s been since I last looked up at the sky - usually, we gaze blankly down, the deepest point of a screen.
Jan 29, 2025
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🌅
In the morning, you’re dazed due to the impact of the soft sounds of the river. Just like a tune designed just for this moment, noises enter your ear and remain constant. It is your choice to walk away from it as when you start taking a few steps towards ‘escape’, the streams will not be able to reach you anymore.
Just stare at it and enjoy the peace for a minute. Enjoy the gentle warmth radiated from the big star above you, embrace the tickling breeze that kindly kisses your cheeks. As if it were a group of fairies, the luminous forms of glitter huddle together then fall apart by the motions of gravity. Against or willing, they carry out their moments independently and flow with time.
You close your eyes and for a second, life feels wonderful. It feels like you are living in its peak and there is no route for returning back into gloom. Take a few breaths in, decide to let loose and fall on your back without damage. Realize that it would be best for you to keep it sealed for a while and fall asleep.
When you finally wake up from the accidental spending of a few hours, your receptors do not detect much light from the scenery now. The Sun also decided to rest and gifted the Moon, introducing a variation to the glint.
Now, you feel calmer than ever. Nothing really matters, it’s only you and the dark, present in this living moment. The river still giggles, but you can’t really see its smiles anymore; the only motion you detect from it are the parts that rely on the Moon. After-all, the Moon doesn’t emit light by itself and is also dependent on the Sun’s attitude. However, the circle wouldn’t have been drawn and presented if it wasn’t for its existence so who are we to judge?
Jan 29, 2025
🦨
i love the windows on the bus
can barely see out of them
when the night falls in and the lights turn yellow, fluorescent, bend down to kiss your head, hold a towel around you while you change at the pool when you were eleven
when you look outside and it’s dark enough that you’re in the window
like a musty ghost
too embarrassed to look yourself in the eye
can’t be mistaken for vain
can’t look at that kid
can smell the grey, taste blood in your nose, concrete against your teeth
cheekbone against the scratched-out glass, grime under your eyelids
or- well-
maybe that last one’s just the dream of the street
the one you go home to when you close your eyes
the street dark and snowing
soft and quiet
the lights are out
and the glass is frosted over
the air is black
the sky is still
and you need to wake up
to the puffer coat of the person sitting next to you
and your reflection on your right
can see right through you
the window in my room is the biggest thing in the world
when the frosting has hit and the fever has set and you’re hanging high over the road, can’t put your feet down definitively, can’t feel your rib cage around your heart, your nerves are unfurling like hair you shaved off in the sink, clinging to the porcelain, floating in the bathwater
when your eyes grey over and your shoulders will fall off if you move, try to hold this weight
those nights, the window is the biggest thing in the world
like the apartment building a block away, the naked, callused trees, still prettier than you, the black air that fills in the rest, the car, the duplex across the street, melting flowers and dusty millers
you’re the only one left here
like you’re on the set of a tv show and everyone went home and the world is empty, isn’t even real, really, and there’s nothing behind the doors, a tv in the windows, the street is only 200m long, and someone in the window on the top floor has turned their light out and you’re imagining a man without a face, mattress on the floor, reaching over white sheets to yellow to black
maybe your room’s the one that’s not real
maybe you’re in a box
maybe those sirens were for you
i know you believe it
i know you believed it for a second
that you died on a bright january morning in your living room chair, the one you were going to take with you when you moved out
that the door was open and someone was holding your hand
what’s that called?
derealization?
haze brain?
freak head?
is that you?
freak head?
it’s snowing up there, isn’t it?
Sep 30, 2024
hey hey!!!!!! i’m so glad youre here! i went on another run tonight. let me tell you about it. my knee hurts, i tweaked it last night, but i started nice and steady. i like to run at night, often late, so a 1 am run is not out of the ordinary for me.
i usually take a road by my house that leads out of town until the streetlights stop. if it’s not yet sunset, i’ll go another mile or so along the road before turning back at nightfall. on my lucky days, the sky paints itself rosy, and wisps of clouds turn alight with oranges and reds. that, juxtaposed against the brightest blue imaginable makes for a pretty picture to distract myself from whatever pain boils in whatever part of my body. i have endometriosis, so oftentimes when i work out, i’ll cramp in ways that would humble a god.
so i enjoy watching the sun tuck itself into the ground. my favorite part is undoubtedly the brilliant magenta color that only comes if the clouds are at just the right elevation. after the sun drops to wherever it’s needed next, and the rest of the sky’s blues deepen, ultimately saturating the ochre hues right along the horizon, i turn around. show’s over, i gotta get home.
but, when i’m out past 11, and the sky is clear, the farthest point is where i stop and turn my head to the heavens.
i’m lucky to live on the edge of a national park and in close proximity to total darkness. the stars here are fantastic. many nights, i’ll wander a little off the road and lay down to stargaze. the faint outline of the milky way, precious cosmic glitter; i’ve loved all of it since i was little.
anyway, tonight, i got out to where the street lamps ended, but something stopped me. i took off my headphones and just stood there, listening. i gazed up, stunned by the beauty of the stars. after more than a few minutes spent in awe, i saw something small trot across the road behind me. its tail was unmistakable. a fox, silent as night, the first one i had seen since i was a child. it sailed through the trees by the road, pausing every so often to smell around or investigate a patch of ground. it’s always shocking to me, how quiet it gets out there. even the wind, that slices right through my two jackets, makes no noise. unmistakably eery, probably sacred, and known only to me. i am so incredibly fortunate. it’s the kind of thing you find when you disregard everyone entirely; having an idea, and executing it, no thought to if it’s fucking insane or not.
i continued back along the lit road, taking a detour on a dark offshoot to elongate my run. the stars shone there too, but near the end of the street the shadows configured too darkly, the trees lining the sidewalk felt as if they were entombing rather than accompanying me. so, i called my brother and breathlessly caught up with him, as i turned around once more to make my way home. and i saw a shooting star!
so there. fox and shooting star. because i was a pussy and didn’t press my luck during one of my (admittedly questionable) daily habits. i love them! i’m going to keep them in my brain like a keychain. a fox and a shooting star jingling next to my house key. isn’t that lovely.
Oct 27, 2024
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