🍔
A long collection of poems to deal with the betrayal of trust from a supposed friend.
A gift to myself,
No rejoice,
No choice,
Decisions that have consequences,
Oh how I have come to know,
Oh how he did show,
I don't see him,
He left me high,
He left me dry,
Out of my life,
Hours of driving from me,
Hours of memories I don't want to see,
Fighting myself every moment,
Was I not good enough,
Was our familiarity too rough,
Expecting him to talk,
Yet he went away,
Yet here I stay,
Alone in my monolith,
Away from prying eyes,
A mask I wear to disguise,
Oh promises he made,
Ones he never kept,
Ones only true when I slept,
Silly dreams of mine,
Convincing me everything's ok,
Convincing nobody that he would stay,
A friendship or more,
I know not,
I feel distraught,
Feelings caught like snow,
Was it a psych,
Was my brain on strike,
Didn't see it coming,
How could I,
How I so wanted to say goodbye,
He is gone now,
Off with new people,
Off causing me internal upheaval,
Why was he capricious,
So quick to give friendship up,
So paradoxically enthused to converse and interrupt,
Sudden life changes upheaving,
Destroying my trust,
Destroying my friendship; scattered to dust,
Daily conversations no more,
Gone off with a new crowd,
Gone while I wondered aloud,
Wondering thoughts,
Wandering thoughts,
Too many thoughts,
Dangerous thoughts.
Yet I persist,
Despite it all,
To spite him if at all,
Yet messages I send,
Read by all my friends,
He reads them occasionally,
Knowing he is missing out,
My friends assist,
Helping each other no matter how small,
Noting the rise of our friend group and then its fall,
A path to healing around the bend,
Ignoring his pestering amends,
Knowing we could only see each other occasionally,
To combat our trust in his promises with our doubts,
He is gone now,
Do I even want to see him again,
Why didn't he trust me,
Not a word till the last minute,
Would he have even said anything,
Clearly not knowing what he was doing,
Leaving with scattered messy reasons,
Not one kept vow,
Not one mention of when,
Not one question answered clearly,
Yet despite not one visit,
There has been no emotion burying,
No emotional turmoil brewing,
I wish him the best among those legions,
If he was honest with himself,
It wouldn't have been pain of a million pinches,
Times reflecting when I could've helped on a whim,
Reflections that now cause me internal strife,
Making myself as my own opponent,
No longer having a buddy on my life's walk,
Not having someone I could hang with,
All about a boogeyman of a grade,
Now I must learn to be fine,
To prepare for what else is in store,
Recovering from the pain of his blow,
Marching along the path life keeps drumming,
And learning how to just say 'ciao,'
Growing more to spitefully not be suspicious,
To learn to care despite him leaving,
Hoping his decision was right; to join the corps,
Zane how I will miss you,
I certainly wish you the best too,
After it was clear you didn't trust me,
Thinking it over I now see,
I did everything I could,
Offering help like any friend should,
I trusted when you said you were good,
Blind sighted when I misunderstood,
I now can only protect myself feeling unsecured,
Taking two steps back from where I matured,
I can't let you back without healing what incurred,
Questioning the faith of words so absurd,
I believed promises so spurred,
Planning and promising when nothings insured,
I was hurt by the emptiness of your word,
When all that you said turned into lies and it finally occurred,
I trusted the words of just yet another impulsive nerd.
Related Recs
đź«€
there's no standard treatment for a broken heart. i sigh quietly to myself, thinking i’ll actually find an answer on how to heal a broken heart on google
it all began five years ago, when i finally started spending time with him—the boy who seemed to shine a little brighter than the rest. he was the kindest, the prettiest, the one who made my heart feel lighter just by existing. and he wanted to be my friend. how could i not fall?
kept the friendship up for a couple of years and my crush for him grew even stronger. sometimes he would come up in my dreams and then i would try to summon fate itself—manifesting, wishing, aching for him to love me back. because, as every girl knows, there is always a phase where we believe the universe listens. and so, i rinsed and repeated, hoping one day, he would look at me the way I looked at him
when we messaged or meet up, he felt like my twin flame. a connection so deep, so natural, that i convinced myself he must feel it too. he understood me, and i understood him
but i never felt that he liked me as much as i liked him.
and then, it ended—not with a dramatic farewell, not with a grand confession, but with silence. I ruined it in my own quiet way: fading out, withdrawing, blocking him, letting the messages go unanswered. I stopped reaching out, and so did he. it was as if we had been a story left unfinished, pages ripped from the book before the final chapter could be written
it has been four months since we last spoke. and now, he has a girlfriend. may I add—throughout our years of friendship, he never had one. situationships, yes, but never something real. yet, here she is. not me.
the day I found out, it struck me in a way I hadn’t expected. I had let him slip from my thoughts, let weeks pass without missing him—until I saw what I had once longed for, in the hands of someone else. I hadn’t realized I was still holding onto the dream until it shattered before me.
now, my mind drifts to what could have been. I picture myself in her place, feel the ghost of a life that was never mine. would he have loved me, if I had held on? if I had tried? was I ever good enough for him? wasn’t I pretty enough for him…? why… her… not… me…?
time is meant to heal. i know this. but this wound runs deep. losing someone you once felt connected to in the deepest corners of your soul is a quiet kind of grief, the kind that doesn’t announce itself loudly but lingers in the spaces between thoughts. my heart feels heavy, my soul even heavier
but today, i miss him more than usually. i’ve fallen to deep, so now every time i think of him, i will miss him deeply.
Feb 28, 2025
đź“ś
You’re not doing well and finally I don’t have to
pretend to be so interested in your on going tragedy,
but
I’ll rob the bank that gave you the impression that
money is more fruitful than words, and
I’ll cut holes in the ozone if it means you have one less day of rain.
I’ll walk you to the hospital,
I’ll wait in a white room that reeks of hand sanitizer and latex for the results from the MRI scan that tries to
locate the malady that keeps your mind guessing, and
I want to write you a poem every day until my hand breaks
and assure you that you’ll find your place,
it’s just
the world has a funny way of
hiding spots fertile enough for
bodies like yours to grow roots.
and
I miss you like a dart hits the iris of a bullseye,
or a train ticket screams 4:30 at 4:47, I
wanted to tell you that it’s my birthday on Thursday
and I would have wanted you to
give me the gift of your guts on the floor, one last time,
to see if you still had it in you.
I hope our ghosts aren’t eating you alive.
If I’m to speak for myself, I’ll tell you that
the universe is twice as big as we think it is
and you’re the only one that made that idea
less devastating.
Sep 9, 2024
“It is only because of the defects in my personality that I can finally say this to you. I am protected and strengthened by my inadequacy. I am secure, smugly secure, for my personal flaws will constitute a more than adequate defense against whatever your response might be to what I have to say to you.”
“For my imperfection maintains an unbridgeable chasm between us; it protects us both from each other, but most importantly, me from you. The defect I have in mind is that I cannot love you, will never be able to love you. Where there might have been feeling, there is only impersonal interest.”
“You hurt me, and betrayed my trust, and for that I will never forgive you. In fact, I would like nothing better than that you see yourself as I do, with the contempt that I do. Because of you, there is a coldness in me, a suspiciousness towards you in all your guises, all your appearances, because of you I withhold my feelings, for I could never trust you to not tread all over them.”Â
“I want you to realize what you’ve done, and be really ashamed. Ashamed of your conceit, your selfishness, your meanness, your insensitivity. Understand the extent of your carelessness, and hate yourself for it. Regret, even more than I do, the real friend you might have had.”
“I might reason with you, share with you, even extend an offer of help or support; I might indulge with pleasure in lovemaking fantasies about you. But you will never elicit an emotional commitment from me. Take care that you ask of me no more than that we laugh together; for you will be disappointed, if you do.”
“After you, I found solace in friendships with men; after that, I healed myself in solitude. Whatever regrets I feel about this are small to me now, and readily transformed into anger and resentment towards you. As you well know, our enmity is ultimately your doing and your choice.”
“Now I have learned to thrive on it; I must, in order to protect myself, and thus I alienate you in turn. Our femininity itself can never again be a point of contact between us. I perceive that now, you are no more capable of trusting me than I am of trusting you, and I cry for our mutual impoverishment: that, at least, we can share.”
“But insist again that this is your doing, your fault, your choice - not mine. I insist that from the fact of my appearance you jumped to the wrong conclusion, as you always do. You instinctively perceive me as the enemy, and nothing I say or do is sufficient to change that. You punish me for how I look, when that is both irrelevant and out of my control.”
“You automatically assume that I neither need nor want you friendship, nor want your friendship, nor would be willing to work for it, even though you have no reason to think this, no reason to assume anything at all. For if you had only given me the chance, I would have shown you where my loyalties lay.”
“But you took me off guard once, and it was very painful. I will never give you the opportunity to do that again. My defenses have solidified; there’s nothing I can do. It sickens me to realize that I have grown incapable of overcoming the distance between us. I hate you for doing this to me, and myself for allowing it to happen.”
Nov 22, 2024
