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the alarm hums, a quiet nudge, and i already kNow how this goes. the same loop, the same weight pressing dOwn before i’ve even moved. i see it so clearly - the pattern i keep fAlling into. the way it coils around me like sOmething familiar. something almost comforting in its inevitability. i know exactly wHat i need to do to break it. i’ve known for a long time.
but time moves slow in the mornings, sTretching out in a way that makes five more minutes feel harmless. just a liTtle longer. just until my thouGhts settle. just until my body fEels light enough to lift. the routine waits for me, mApped out, precise. steps i’ve written down, promises i’ve made to myself. and still, the bEd holds me like a whispered excuse.
the world outside keeps turning, peOple slipping into their day with practiced ease, wHile i lay here, caught between knowing and doing.
Feb 22, 2025
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I wake up early enough to have a lot of time to get ready for work, even enough to do a couple of tasks I've been putting off. But instead I stare at the ceiling and then curl into my blankets and by the time I make it down from the loft bed I'm at the usual amount of time to get ready. But instead of starting the tea kettle and checking my email I pull my knees up and sit on my chair curled up and read articles aimlessly. Rescroll through texts from people I haven't spoken to in a week. And this sounds peaceful you might be like it's ok maybe you just needed a slow morning, but I have things I need to do and other things I want to do but I just can't seem to do them until the consequences are breathing down my neck. By the time I start getting ready for work I'm sure I'll have to scramble through the motions and skip through doing my hair and settle for put together enough.
Feb 13, 2025
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I sleep way too late and spend so much of my time groggy and butthurt about missing the morning. I want this to finally be the year where I wake up at a reasonable time (read: not 10:30am) and have hours to myself to read, stretch, and just hang before I start my work day.
Because I work PST hours from New York (and live with a night owl grad student), I have no forcing function to give me any sense of discipline beyond meeting my lax work requirements. But most nights past 1am I’m many pages into Google reading the same tips to become a morning person and capitalize on the free mornings I could have with my shifted schedule.
Dec 30, 2024
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If you’re anything like me, your body feels completely separate from your mind, which feels completely separate from your heart, and most of your internal dialogue is you getting mad at yourself for doing some shit that another part of you disapproves of. Every part of us matters, but if we’re often neglecting one of these guys it’s definitely the vessel that houses this mess to begin with. Your body needs sleep bro! You’d be surprised at how many of these voices start to quiet when you actually let your body do its thing once in a while and decide when it wants to wake up. And you can’t feel an ounce of guilt for not setting an alarm, otherwise this whole experiment is negated. If you really wanna wake up early, then go to bed early (I’m leaving this piece of advice in writing so I can finally learn it myself).
Jan 10, 2023
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Feb 24, 2025
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Feb 26, 2025
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i often just want to paint real quick. intending to just dabble a bit. before i know it. i’m deep into the painting. completely absorbed. i might think - that’s enough for today. but then i notice a small corner that needs attention. and suddenly. two more hours have flown by. it’s like time doesn’t exist when i’m in that zone. leaving the studio feels almost surreal. as if i’m stepping back into reality from another world. i have this with absolutely nothing else
Feb 24, 2025