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🎙

Crashing out with full transparency

This morning I had a date for the first time in a million years and I was scared and hadn’t slept so I called my friend crying and together we talked whilst I got ready. We agreed that I would just do my best and accept whatever happened even if it was weird or embarrassing because it’s fine to do things scared. Then I walked out the front door in my cute little outfit with my hair and makeup done like nothing whatsoever was wrong and I had that damn date and it was kinda stilted and he didn’t text me after but it was essentially fine 💃🏻

@murdonner

Jan 12, 2025

👨

first kiss at 23

i was raised in a highly religious household where i was taught that dating was for marriage. middle school romances, then, were frowned upon and seen as fickle because they “just lead to unnecessary heartbreak“. as fucked up as this logic was, it made sense to me at the time and little me became an expert at suppressing any and all romantic urges, knowing that one day, when i was old enough, my time would come. brainwashing runs deep though, and this sense of being too young for a serious relationship never left me. time passes, and one day i find myself at 18 years old sitting in the most romantic gazebo in a forest with this girl i felt i really liked at the time. i tell her how much i like her. she says she feels the same. my heart is pounding like never before. yet, terrified of commitment, feeling ashamed of having feelings, and having the sense that im going to have to marry this girl if things went any further, the moment came and went and we never kissed. we end up moving away from each other. i spend my next years at college feeling heartbroken but also wracking my brain over why things never truly felt right with her. i do shrooms, my religiosity unravels, and i finally accept that im gay. internal crises ensue and i spend a good couple years “doing they work”, as they say. flash forward to 23. i‘ve moved to the city and have my own apartment. i’ve just come out two months prior. i decide i want to start dating (big because i had never actually dated anyone, esp men). i meet someone online and we go out a few times. i’m absolutely charmed and he tells me how bad he wants to kiss me but i have to decline because i still feel like i barely know him and i don’t want to regret it. i explain my lore to give reason for my apprehension. like, the stakes are now HIGH - my brain is way too developed at this point for me to waste my first kiss on just anyone. one evening shortly after, we’re chatting on the couch in my apartment and that pre-kiss feeling is in the air. he asks again if he can kiss me and i say yes. he leans in, does the deed, i kiss back, and we make out for close to three hours (needed to make up for 23 years of nothing). one of the best nights of my life. it took years of self-work and un-conditioning to get to that place in my life where i could experience/enjoy a moment like that and im so proud of myself for it<3 epilogue: we continued to go out but ended up doing the whole anxious/avoidant situationship dance which nearly destroyed me in the end (i still think about him every day). but we had some good times lol

@joeldcross

Oct 17, 2024

😃

Coffee

Pretty tame but kind of cute - I had a coffee date with this guy off grindr. I was so nervous and my mouth was so dry I couldn’t properly eat my bagel, but I was hungry, so I started ripping it into smaller pieces which also helped me relax. By the end of it I had a pile of uneaten torn up bagel pieces in front of me lol

@jakes

Feb 18, 2024

Top Recs from @rafs

🗣

i live for it

over the past two years i’ve gotten quite good at speaking to new people, and in the past six months i’ve made it one of my favorite traits. i tell people i love their hair when i’m behind them at line at the shops. i befriended an older lady on the train home from work, we laughed and exchanged stories on the crowded rush hour car. i built a relationship with the lady at sandwich place near my work, to the point where she calls out my nickname (veggie melt) when i walk in, and gave me a free sandwich the day i lost my wallet. i draw her pictures every time, and the other day she offered me freelance illustration work as a result. there is so much beauty and possibility around us, so many stories we can unlock by talking to strangers. when im old and withered, i will mark my years by how many little threads i’ve woven into my life, how many gold links i’ve started by an innocuous interaction with somebody i simply hadn’t known yet.

@rafs

Feb 26, 2024

⭐

letting yourself feel it

every day is another anniversary and i will not do myself the disservice of shutting out how i feel about it. the only person we hurt by tamping down our pain in private is ourself

@rafs

Feb 6, 2024

⭐

crying while walking

better out than in! a testament to freedom

@rafs

Feb 5, 2024