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I have many Ideas. I ponder over them like an obsessive collector; organizing, re-organizing, packing them into words so the meaning is captured, transferable. Most of my transformative experiences are unexplainable - how does one capture the depth of a still, silent night? The whispering of leaves in warm summer breezes. Vague feelings of wholism while sitting in the grass, photosynthesizing like plant ancestors - a fish swims without direction. Many call it god but the church is alienating; the word massacred and butchered beyond the recognition of what it once meant.
One idea I have kept unmolested by the opinions of others, is that these holistic experiences in nature, with friends, live music shows, where the pulse of life beats strongly, are everything. An anchor point for a life well lived. It’s not enough to just be in nature, alchemizing the circumstance missing the key ingredient. A couple of friends and I went on a trip to where the ocean went on forever, unbroken horizon. We were down by the water, sunset and glistening, warmth of the sun and sand beneath my feet. But it was nothing more than looking. I did not have access to this other way of being - locked out, truthfully, by being eaten alive by the stress of exams and stewing in the feelings of being unlovable. It is somehow within you; the trees and ocean reflect it back to me. A quality of self brought out by sincerity and solitude. It’s everything, reflected in everything worthwhile.
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Bereft of a true home, I dwell instead in sentiment and practice the collection of numerous small tokens thereof: an olive-pin, a tea-tag, a berry-shell, a fortune. I treasure the incitement of memory brought about by these little markers in time-passed, as I do that incited by the more obvious strains: postcards and Polaroids and locks of hair … and these too I try to accumulate, these too light me! But perhaps what is most meaningful is the undisplayable — that which is gone — letters received and lost, letters writ and never sent and lost; a poem misplaced in the loose-leaf of a moulting notebook. A garland of flowers or bouquet that remains only in a blurred photograph; a collection of photographs drowned in a flood. Since my adolescence, some of most beautiful pictures I’ve made on my cameras have been the nonexistent — the mechanisms failed or my Nosferatuesque fingers blocked the lens or or the memory card betrayed me or the film was overexposed through actions entirely beyond control — yes, the most beautiful, I say! It is just so. I can picture them all behind my eyes in perfect clarity — so so beautiful — as beautiful as the flowers that nevermore will fragrance a room and all those words which forevernow lay unread. I can’t speak exactly to the wider benefit of this “recommendation”. But somehow this is the sort of thing that makes me happy.
May 10, 2023
Persistence
Such a sweet and delicate choice giving up is. Growing up as a person with traits to avoid everything never really helped. Trying to be willing to participate enough to change myself - or was it to satisfy others?
Questioning the existence itself, I only have the motivation to write this down solely due to the want of eliminating the feeling of depression. I am in a vulnerable position where I am always alone, distracted from others. Derealization slowly slithers into my mind whenever I feel a sense of ache in my head. The determination that I'm not alone in this; who knows if everyone else is just created by my illusions? Delusions.
Going through life can be a task of perseverance. Knowing too much never really resulted one with satisfying gifts. Ecstatic enough, quite hidden, the misery to everything is. Why, I'm definitely most afraid to die alone with nobody on my side. But oh, how lovely being alone really is though, don't you think?
I myself am who knows me best, who understands me like no-one could ever do. But I keep marching further in hope to find an entity that even can share a single piece of me. We are all in a game of puzzle, in the end. Finding someoe to fit inside this cage of an ongoin carousel.
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I brought phrases from my journal and created some connections :)
Always remember: although parts of your life can be draining and even leave a mark inside a page, there's so much more things that you can feel and see outside of the edges of blue. Your life doesn't have to be the same as others - you will find your own definition of 'happiness' and 'joy'.
Music: Nocturne in B flat major, Op.9, No.1 - Frederic Chopin
Image from Pinterest
Jan 29, 2025
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i toss and i turn with the pillow staying put,
welcoming a new wave of anxiety with each movement
2:18 on the clock and the fan adds more momentum to my unattainable thoughts
buried in the need to see, and learn the unknown
yet, i lay on the surface as a parched rock in the middle of my favorite beach,
reeking of the current simplicities of life
though its surely a blessing in disguise which i might recall five years from now
standing by, holding onto my innocence, waiting to believe in a miracle or see a comet pass by in the dark night sky
Mar 1, 2025
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Ripping into fruits on a hot summers day, juice dribbling down my exposed chest pooling at my feet. Sitting in cool river streams, a part of the natural world around me. Not a thought beyond the immediate. Stuff like that.
Jul 10, 2024
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These are a few that stick out to me; a good place to start, no particular order
- be here now, Ram Dass. Very dear to my heart, there is nothing else like it. there are also many hours of his lectures recorded for ur listening pleasure
- letters to a young poet, Rainer Rilke. letters he’s written; he discusses solitude, relationships, art, always with the undercurrent of spirituality
- book of hours, Rilke. love poems to god, I like the Barrows and Macy translation. I’m currently reading it
- new seeds to contemplation, Thomas Merton. Merton is a good one to read, he’s got lots of work; go pick through
- lord of the rings, Tolkien. i feel that it is a deeply spiritual text. the prose makes me cry, the reverence of Nature speaks to my heart
I like to listen to James Finley’s podcast turning to the mystics because my current interest is contemplative christianity.
Pete Holmes sometimes has interesting guests, as does Duncan trussel, who talk about spirituality from varying traditions.
I never felt a great affinity for Alan Watts but u could give him a listen
Apr 18, 2024