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Thinkin about Francesca’s backyard and how the trees would dance around our morning coffee and smoke and she would close her eyes. She was so beautiful man and I miss her like hell
Feeling like I got a big broken heart and i don’t got it in me to carry it around today
And the air being gentle and warm like it’s been reminds me of driving to his house with the windows all down, that perfect blue pouring in . How he would run out to my car and pull me out of my seat.
do you guys remember that meme of the kid screaming crying and going EMMA I FUCKING MISS YKU SO MUCH lollll im feeling that kid today that guy knew what the fuck was up. No matter how much time passes I can’t shake the feeling . I know it was a privilege to love these people at all and I have much gratitude to whatever merciless yet loving being we got overseeing business up there but it does terrify me to think that the people I felt the most seen by and felt safest with can just come go .
May 1, 2024
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Sometimes it just pops out of nowhere, sometimes it’s just a passing memory and sometimes out of the blue I feel the weight of what happened. I had a best friend, a person with which I connected in a way I never did with anyone. She moved out of the city and with that she stopped any communication with me. I miss her. I miss her so much. I feel like I must have fucked up big time for this to be happening. In our last call I told her I was worried we would lose contact with the distance and she told me it would never happen. I believed her. It’s a weird sadness; most of the time I can see clearly that more than try to text her I cannot do much and I’m angry or confused about the situation but it passes, I go by my day. But sometimes this wave of sadness arrives and I remember how she made me laugh, how she looked at me, the day we actually talked like friends for the first time and then it hits me that we might have spoken for the last time. how could that be? I still believe her. One day she’ll call me and my memories of today will fade and get replaced by others of us together.
I should have called her more, told her more times how I loved her, how she was beautiful, we should have gone to more concerts together, we should have said yes to that dude who wanted to interview us for a tiktok. We should have when there still was a we.
One day talking about relationships, I mentioned how incapable I am at letting go and how sometimes I start to resent the person I can’t let go for the things we do to each other. So maybe it’s all for the best, maybe I’m being spared, maybe it will save our memories from being tainted, maybe that‘s all the time meant for us. I don’t know but I wish I did.
Jan 18, 2025
the other day i went out to an unfinished nuclear plant with some old highschool friends. we cut a hole in the fence and ran to one of the massive, truly massive cooling towers. it was terrifyingly big, like really, seriously, huge. it was my third time there and definitely had not lost any of its effect on me. the four of us stood underneath it for a good forty minutes. looking up through the top to see the last touch of sunset resting on the rim, and later planets. we stood there for long stretches of silence until someone would shift their weight and the crunch of a couple pebbles underfoot would echo so loud and clear we could all hear it.
we sang there in the echo beneath the tower until it was totally dark.
later, in the front seat of my best friend‘s car as we played american football i cried. i don’t think anyone noticed, i think they were busy with whatever they were thinking about. i cried because of how long i had gone wanting this feeling. that i hadn’t seen these old friends in months and had been struggling to meet anyone i felt could be the kind of people i wanted to really love like i did my friends from highschool.
i want people to love so badly, to go to a sketchy abandoned nuclear plant and watch the sunset and sing together. we forget how long it takes to make friends like that i guess. it’s only been one semester, and i shouldn‘t let that be me down.
i love you all so much :)
Jan 29, 2025
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most days it’s fine but then I listen to ‘between the bars’ by Elliot Smith and it takes me back to last year when I still had them. Even when my heart yearns for the familiarity of our old bond I know we’ll never laugh like we used to do. What a pity is to be a human and to know someone for so long and then be strangers.
4d ago
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I fucking love it
IM YOUR BIGGEST FAN ILL FOLLOW YOU UNTIL YOU LOVE ME
PAPA PAPARAZIIIIIII
May 5, 2024
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Like a dear friend . I miss how when I would smoke a cigarette it would settle into my hair , blanketing a preexisting layer of perfume. I love the way smoke seeps into the fabric of my car, my clothes, even into my skin. Smells like my parents, my grandparents. Our old house. Dads gold Lincoln towncar that we got shot at in. And last time I saw one of those, I was picking dad up from jail, and its license plate read TRULOVE.
Dec 14, 2024
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Loneliness prevails! I would much rather live purely in solitude for ever and ever than waste another precious second in the presence of someone who has little skin in the game of knowing me or seeing me. Hearing me! I wonder why you keep me around if all your hearts desire is to hear the sound of your own voice.
It makes no difference if it’s me or anyone for that matter.
For all you know or even care I am merely an ottoman for you to rest your feet on, or a coffee table meant simply to pedestal your various notebook scrawlings and half-read books. I am a file cabinet. I have it here, dated, what you Thought and what you felt about work, or about your friends. ask me, I have it all.
And I loved it. I loved knowing you. I wanted to. I investigated and interrogated. I poured over it all with great curiosity, praying for all my red threads to weave a tapestry of you.
but I can’t remember the last time you asked me something about myself. When the opportunity arises, and god forbid, I Take it, you can barely hold your breath. Its like a shark sensing blood. You just can’t wait to talk talk talk talk talk.
But hey, it’s your life, and baby, I’m just living in it.
Dec 10, 2024