My heart goes out to you and your family, this kind of this is never easy and is generally pretty fucking terrible all around. I lost my mom in 2018 after a pretty prolonged and slow to cease battle with cancer.
When she was in end-of-life care something small that helped her feel a bit better was trying to make the space as homey as possible. Lots of pictures, her favorite blanket, and a friend of hers even brought some large stuffed animals that lived on her bed. It was something small that helped in the immediate moment.
I also echo everyone here saying to prepare for the grief but also prepare to sit with it for longer than you think you’ll need. I was only home for about a week after she passed before going back to school across the country, and not having my family/hometown network to grieve with really stunted and prolonged my healing process.
Also a bit bleak, but my mom and I were able to have a sort of ”closing” convo where we said goodbyes, and she told me her wishes for me, etc. if you’re able, it was a really powerful conversation to have and something I hold close when I’m having a particularly hard grief day (which still happen 6 years out! All part of the process)💛
Related Recs
😃
as someone else already mentioned, tell stories, jokes, things you’ve been too afraid to say or never got the chance to, small details that you love about her, her influence on you and your sister… as difficult as this time may be in the moment, i look back on my time with my dad in hospice with so much gratitude, knowing i and my family were there with him in his transition, it is such a powerful thing, but certainly not easy. Go easy on yourself and don’t be afraid to ask for support from those you can. people really do want to help you during this time, they aren’t just saying so. speak to your mom even when you think she isn’t/can’t listen. And hopefully you can find solace in the fact she will no longer be suffering and you gave her the best transition you could manage. Sending lots of love
May 24, 2024
😃
man i thought this would be obvious but recently my best friend lost her mother. i was trying to think of other instances before hand when I had to be there for someone & couldn’t pin point something that felt …. I don’t know, something other than “im sorry” , something that felt really sufficient.
while I understand that physically just being there for someone is helpful, when I was reading about this I didnt realize there are things that aren’t helpful & things that are more helpful to say to someone, with some not being super obvious
For example, Asking “what do you need from me” didnt make the cut as being helpful. I couldn’t pin point if I used this phrase before previously, but this one might not have been as obvious.
Reading about it was super helpful honestly. Could apply to any situation, not just limited to death. If someone you know is grieving, think about your response! I’m excited to take what I learned into future similar situations & happy to learn how to support my loved ones through difficult times
Sep 19, 2024
It's been a week since my brother Jacob passed. He was the last person I expected to go—an extremely active cyclist, hiker, and traveler. We still don't know what exactly happened, but in a matter of only half an hour he went from making his breakfast to his heart stoping.
So many of his traits I admired so much felt like things I lacked; he was disciplined, reliable, and energetic. He traveled the world and made friends across the whole globe, it seems. He was always adept at math, a subject I always struggled with.
He was only 18 months my junior. I literally can't remember my life without Jacob in it. At some points in our childhood he felt like my shadow. Since we were homeschooled during the early years of my life we spent so much time together. I took that for granted, but now I'm so grateful for all the hours of fort building, hole digging, camping, biking, basketball, getting destroyed by him playing NBA Live and womping on him in Mortal Kombat.
I really regret simply assuming he knew how much I loved him. We were brothers. We fought, argued, and teased each-other. He was such an appendage to my day-to-day that I didn't ever stop to tell him how dear he was to me, how proud I was of all he'd done, how grateful I was for all he contributed around the house and with the family, and how jealous I was of his fearlessness with change and travel.
People ask how I'm holding up, and it's hard to answer because—all things considered— I am doing alright. The hardest times are when my brain and nervous system still haven't realized he's gone: hearing the creak of a door and expecting him to walk in after a bike ride—his cycling shoes clinking on the tile; learning some soccer news and wanting to text him about it; feeling eager to get his feedback on something I cooked.
But the most difficult thing has been encountering the pity and sorrow people have shown toward me, because that somehow reveals the scope of the loss and the depth to which folks cared about him and care about me. Knowing we share some impacts of this loss breaks my heart. I so deeply appreciate all the offers of help and reaching out, and yet I have nothing to offer. I have nothing for which to ask. My brain just short-circuits.
Perhaps the best thing you can do for me is to let your loved ones know how you feel. Find one person you have maybe taken for granted and share your love clearly so that they truly know how much you treasure them because they won't always be around.
May 6, 2024
Top Recs from @gtrevi
Think: driving them to the airport during rush hour, moving furniture on a summer day, (in my case, see photo) cutting away at their badly overgrown garden when you are not a gardening gal. Or painting their bedroom on a whim, replacing their windshield fluid, or wrangling their demon cat for a trip to the vet.
I read a Manrepeller article (RIP) years ago that talked about how helping friends with these tedious, unrewarding tasks is where the real work of friendship begins. You don’t get so see how they get frustrated over brunch, but you do when you’re both unsuccessfully dragging a couch around a staircase corner, and getting To bond and troubleshoot that frustration opens whole new doors for closeness. This wisdom has never led me astray! I almost always leave these kinds of labor-based hangouts feeling closer and more held in friendship!
Apr 6, 2024
🍝
There is no “wrong” time to enjoy bangin’ pasta🤷🏽♀️
Jun 17, 2024
Apr 11, 2024