Play music, if she likes it. I second telling jokes. If possible, invite friends or other family to come say hi and tell stories. Don't be afraid to ask for help, people sometimes have a hard time knowing what to say and genuinely want to do something to feel useful. Something easy to ask for are homecooked meals for you and your sister. Ask the nurses for help and advice. Try your best to take care of yourself, especially when it comes to sleep.
And I second taking your time to feel the grief and leaning into honest and the weirdness. Speaking of weird, listening to Alan Watts lectures helped me, both in becoming more comfortable with death and thinking about how beautiful life is. I can't remember which ones, but maybe something to look up if you feel drawn to it.
I went through this with my dad and can honestly say while it was the hardest thing I've been through, I am ultimately grateful for the experience. I don't think I'll have a greater privilege than taking care of him and being there with him. I won't say it's harder or easier than a sudden death, because it's all pretty brutal. But not everyone gets the chance to be there. Sending lots of good thoughts your way Katrina
May 24, 2024
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this is not in any order of importance
1. Have post death stuff sorted out - idk wills, burial plans etc. we didn’t have all of it figured it out and it caused a lot of arguing and strain during an already difficult time
2. Try to split certain responsibilities between you and your sister + anyone else who is helping
3. Ask people around you for help!!!! Fr!!! i Had friends that offered to help but I also Learned to ask for things especially when it came to something that was really traumatizing to me but like wouldn’t be to them like a friend picked up docs from the hospitals for me or another arranged for the medical equipment to be taken from the apartment
4. Find a grief / support group - I felt very crazy during and after she died like my old life was gone and I couldn’t relate to so many people in my life. Grief group helped me understand the universal parts of the grief experience and that I wasn’t like a bad person and shit
5. Ask all of the questions and have all of the hard conversations - you won’t be able to and even small stuff I find myself upset that I didn’t ask and also had conversations about things that were like resentment filled idk
6. In like a literal sense idk what time of pain your mom is in but my mom loved those electric heating pads I also just listened and gave her whatever she wanted like idk she got really into blue jelly beans I went out and bought a bag and sorted out the blue ones for her
I’m very sorry you’re going through this!! If I can help with anything or answer anymore questions pls reach out 💘
be prepared for it to feel like you’re in a different parallel life idk it was like that for me and other people I know who went through similar things
May 25, 2024
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I was very young when my mum was in end of life care so my frame of reference is processed through childhood eyes, but one thing I wish had been done differently was that I wish I’d had more time to wallow and process. just going to school when my mum was at home dying was very weird, and meant it took longer for me to process that was was going on was a big deal that I was allowed (and supposed) to feel sad about it. So my advice would to be give yourself TIME. Going about your daily life, studies, work etc as if everything is normal feels so strange. Obviously we need some normality so as not to crumble, but allow yourself the time for it to not be normal. Take time off! If it’s possible for you, take more time off than you think is even necessary. keep doing things you enjoy, but don’t push to keep on as normal. If you’re in a situation where it would be frowned upon for you to cry, that is not a situation for you to be in right now. (most of the time just knowing you could safely cry leaves space for you to be able to laugh). Also in terms of making it easier on your mum and everyone, in my experience when people come to the end of their lives they need honesty over denial. obviously this depends on the characters of the people involved, but I would say lean into the weirdness of it, acknowledge how scary and awful it is, don’t pretend it’s fine. let your brave mask fall, it’s in those moments you find real connection.
May 24, 2024
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My sister was in extremely poor health from autoimmune disorders plus a difficult pregnancy and routine reinfection of COVID, she passed in 2021 and it was incredibly hard for me, especially my mother to lose a sibling/daughter that young
I really suggest mentally preparing to lean into the grief and take as long as possible to heal but at the same time, do not let it consume and become your North Star because grief can be potent, it can disempower and demotivate. In those times you have to use joy as an antidote. cherish the time you have while she is in hospice and do things that make her feel comfortable and dignified and peaceful. Tell stories, tell jokes, just tell her how much you love and care to be there in that moment
May 24, 2024
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a study issued last month found that dancing is the most effective way of treating and mitigating depression. Walking, therapy, and yoga also outpaced SSRIs. and if you're saying 'oh this was probably funded by Big Dance', there's no evidence of that and if you're saying 'that's just what a Big Dance shill would say', well honey you're right
Mar 4, 2024
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Reminder that most of what we do is a performance
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