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during a fire drill in first grade, a jumping spider bit me. i wasnât doing a thing to him and i think what upsets me most is that he couldnât assess my vibes to know i wasnât a threat. i had a really mean teacher and i tried to tell her, but she angrily shushed me, as we werenât allowed to speak during fire drills. i accepted my fate and figured she would be sorry later.
i remember wistfully staring out the window as my mom drove me home, coming to terms with the end of my life. i didnât tell her, for fear of worrying her. i peacefully ate my final dinner when i got home (velveeta mac and cheese, which i hated then and i still do now. but again, i didnât want to complain as my mom would have a bigger issue at hand when she went to go wake me up in the morning.)
i went to bed without a fuss. said goodbye to my then two year old sister, took a look around my room and gave a sigh. this was it. and i went to bed knowing i had lived a long, good six years of life.
well, dear reader, i am here writing this 20
years later. so rest assured, i did survive. but i think my rational (?) thought in that moment helped me work through a lot of existential stuff at an early age. so i guess thatâs cool.
Jul 4, 2024
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I have these spiders that live in my house called flatties and I love them. They are so silly and they are always running around. They don't make webs, they hunt their prey like some kind of crab. Did you know tarantulas live 20-25 years? That's incredible. I have many tarantulas that live in my yard and they love chilling outside their hole and night every summer. Before I moved into this house I was so scared of bugs. I had no choice but to face my fears and now I like spiders. Life will change you, won't it?
ps. I wanted to include a flattie picture but i decided not to out of consideration for others who are scared of bugs. so google them if you are curious!
May 13, 2024
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I think a lot of fear is learned (noticing kids are often pretty chill with potato bugs and ants and etc) and am finding that exposure therapy, knowledge on how to identify the few dangerous species in my region, and mentally reframing things can do a lot for helping to become brave in ways that are kind. I think that genre of bravery may just be the most useful and cool. Iâm at a point where Iâm fine with a spider living in my home.
Apr 18, 2024
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I was sitting on the steps to my house with my friend Evan. We were about 2 or 3. There were hundreds of ants on the sidewalk below us. Evan reached down and started smushing them. I turned to him and told him to stop: âHow would YOU feel if you were an ant and someone smushed YOU?â A patronizing lesson in empathy⌠Interestingly, I had open heart surgery around the same time and spent days in the hospital, but this memory is much more visceral. Love this question.
Apr 2, 2024
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liking ur rec = saying hi when we go to get our morning papers from the end of our driveways (picture me doing so tony soprano style)
Aug 12, 2024
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started writing this a few hours ago when i first saw this ask, then decided against posting but i've since changed my mind. there really is no justification for it outside of entitlement. even from a selfish lens, there's no long term benefit to its usage. it harms the world and culture in more ways than one.
a.) the water and energy usage that isn't a secret at this point. "no ethical consumption under capitalism" yadda yadda and yeah corporations are extremely culpable in the state of the environment but there really is no need for chatgpt and the planet is already too delicate at the moment.
b.) the exploitation of workers in the global south. this program is not just a computer figuring it all out, there are in fact humans behind it. it reminds me of the acceptance of fast fashion and how people have the tendency to divorce the idea of the garment worker from the garment they wear when all clothing is handmade in some way, shape or form. you need hands to man a sewing machine, you need human eyes to moderate content. also, content moderation can be a thankless job with psychological repercussions.
c.) the erosion of social skills, humanity and media literacy...this one is very personal. like, you have a cushy email job but can't write an email? you need a computer and a worker in kenya to get paid a dollar an hour to figure out a daily routine for you? i've seen the program churn out blatantly incorrect information. fine tuning a prompt or chat or whatever to give you the exact (possibly incorrect) answer you need isn't really that much less work than sharpening your research skills by cracking open a dictionary or using boolean search keys in google. again, the main issue with this kind of stuff is the entitlement to convenience, with no thought towards the repercussions within and outside of us. we are losing major recipes (critical thinking and media literacy) here, people!
i probably did an iffy job are coherently articulating my thoughts here but i am in fact, human. and thatâs the beauty of it all.
Oct 1, 2024
i donât work w oils often, mainly tempera, collage, and digital but this is the one i'm still most proud of as of late bc itâs way bigger (18x24) than i'm used to working <3
Oct 14, 2024