TW: drugs and psychosis
i was in active addiction 4 years ago and was going on a 4 day streak of a bender
where i decided to go to a party do meth (ik) and drink and smoke (more) weed
i was so out of it that when i had to leave
(never drive UTI) it looked like i was driving through a forest under water
when i got back to my friends place her mom said their family cat (who was v old) was dying and she wanted us to say good to him
when i looked at the cat it looked like it was turned inside out and its inside were rotting
i felt sick to my stomach and hid in her room where i began to question everything
what i had seen, what i was doing, and finally who i was and if the thoughts i had were mine or someone else's- it was a lot
it was from there i kinda realized there was more and now im here
sober and a changed woman
the end
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đź©°
28 March 2024
“I never used to be this insecure
It’s strangeÂ
I don’t recognise my new self
I thought this worry made me a better person”
-me
“I thought all this worry made me a better person.” Trapped in the illusion that if I thought about everything enough I could win at life, I would be the kindest, most successful, mature and ration person I could be. for me being irrational was worse than death. it’s ironic isn’t it?
A teenage girl ridden in shame, misplaced desire and overwhelming hate for myself, my past and all actions I had partaken in. The type of shame that feels like a splitting headache that’s been around for years. The type of shame that makes you throw up on nature walks because the silence of the trees becomes a theatre projecting all the terrible things you have done and said. Shame was my water, shame was the ground beneath my feet, shame was the sun wrapping around me and leaving my body tingling on a hot day. Shame was inescapable and replaced all my pleasures with pain.
With many anxieties and obsessions i have had previously there was irrational elements to them, my great fears were bazaar and shockingly niche. This new obsession was a wolf wrapped up in a warm fuzzy logical cloak That loved to remind me of all the horrific parts of myself. But how could it stop following me this haunting picture of myself and the people I had hurt, how could I fix any of it. how could I even face it.
With this dilema of having a guilty conscious finally explode on me like a shaken bottle of Pepsi waiting for its escape. I choose there is nothing but to fix it. fix it all. But how? i Decide I must think about it. all the time. This would form a punishment to myself that meant i was doing a service to those I’d hurt. Secondly whenever I have a good time or a moment of joy, I would remind myself that this was unfair and I must return to my shame because I was still in guilt jail and owed it to those I had hurt. thirdly I would from now on do everything perfectly and not hurt a single soul ever again, they could hurt me all they wanted. but I could not hurt them. I couldn’t possibly bare adding any extra shame on to the debt I was in to the gods or karma or just myself.
This ofc was all stupid
Very stupid
After turmoil and finding myself completely unable to form proper connections because of my obsession with being perfect all the time for absolutely everyone ever I was broken. More broken than before. how have I done it wrong again. This punishment hasn’t changed anything! Not the people I hurt! Not myself! And I’m hurting more people. I wanted to die. this part funny or not. Dramatic or not. It was true. I didn’t want to be alive. I didn’t want to think. all I wanted was to do it all again. Be a better me a kinder me one who didn’t yell at her mother, go To school drunk, sleep with the wrong people, be a terrible friend to someone to trusted me dearly, talk shit and gossip about people I love. I wish I haven’t done any of it. I wish I had never had sex. I wish I didnt know what sex was. I wish I never drank. I wish I never let anyone kiss me. I wish I never was a teenager. I wish I didn’t need to learn how to be good. I wish I wish I wish I just knew. Just knew how to be good. Like those people who come out the womb shining and loving with fountains of patience and love. It wasn’t me. I came out kicking and screaming and selfish and I stayed that way for years. but I couldnt change this I couldnt wish it all away or run away or kill myself.
So I had to accept
I had to apologise
And I had to love
And stop fucking thinking for one second.
I’m ending this terribly for the sole Reason my figures hurt but long story short I confronted my shame with love and compassion. And I’m aloud to fuck up we all are and I no longer want to die. This isn’t simple and I’m making it sound I have to practice everyday for this. But I’m happy and I love my life and myself and I’m so proud of me. And I did this in less than a year. SO FUCK OCD and yay me
Dec 30, 2024
Homies, mayhaps TMI, but is it possible to feel so good after experiencing short-lived and retroactively bittersweet intimacy with a very (not only physically) attractive yet flawed and likely incompatible Bushwick party girl?
I've got a story to tell...
Following an unprecedentedly great Valentine's day date and an equal but opposite (not great) conclusion to things with the girl in question (due to things moving too fast and her not being as interested as I was, as well a curious little cocaine habit she told me about), I have paradoxically been feeling incredible, perhaps better than I've ever felt before for this long a period of time, for about a week and a half now.
The only explanation I've been able to come up with is that I hypnotized myself while talking about this turn of events on the phone with a friend. For context, I am not a woo-woo guy at all, instead maybe the most autistically rational guy I know, but I do fw some Rick Rubin nonsense on occasion (a guy can dream, can't he?). But I think the support of a friend, combined with my own extensive psychoanalysis delivered by me over the phone to said friend, induced an intense feeling of grounded-ness, calm, and clarity which has yet to expire. In one fell swoop, it's like I have just finally corrected my brain chemistry after years, or maybe even a lifetime, of low-grade depression and dopamine problems. I am now totally jazzed to work on personal projects, to invite friends to my apartment, to talk to girls who aren't this girl, to put up with extensive annoyances from the outside world, and to understand that Everything Will Be Alright In The End (Weezer reference).
So yeah, I might be insane, but I'm here to contribute my own experience and suggest that there are cerebral, self-reflective, pseudo-therapeutic solutions (that exist within your own mind) to your pathological mental ills. Ponder long and hard about the things that are sending you on an emotional rollercoaster, dissect them, accept them, and look forward to all other things you are capable of beyond your little emotional stint. Try to hypnotize yourself, and if successful, enjoy the all-encompassing wholeness that awaits.
Feb 27, 2025
🍂
working from what may seem like very surface level cliches but stay w me here
((tldr: why not just believe that its all working out for the better, even if thats not what you planned? also, empathy and objectivity are a solid duo that id like to see in combination more frequently.))
putting this at the top because this is a dissertation, at best; psychosis, at the other end of the pendulum.
sooooooo the fact that u have no control over life liek At All. has been a consistently terrifying concept for FOREVER as a shorty who is Clinically a control freak, but realizing that the unpredictable essence that makes all of this shit unnerving is the very thing that can take the weight of life off of your shoulders has been pretty revolutionary.
im still digesting/integrating it one bite at a time, for sure, so call me a hypocrite ESPECIALLY if you know me personally. when in clarity, though, its been so pleasant to realize that since Nothing truly matters that much since nothing is set in stone anyway- w regard to action, approach, fulfilling temporary expectations of yourself, whether or not you reach short term goals, etc.- living life completely and utterly for yourself and whatever that means to you at any given moment will likely ultimately be the plan that brings you most fulfillment, when all is said and done.
whether that means taking the risk and changing your major, taking that freaky elective bc it sounds cool, moving in w some randos in a townhouse, quitting your job and starting something new- maybe it winds up being an epic fail, who knows? as long as youre setting goals that align with an ultimate sense of who you are and what youre looking to get out of life, which i presume can be solidified further by pursuing said experiences just for the sake of it? right? helps u figure out what u actually want? and as long as you keep bareback essential priorities straight (financial and emotional stability come to mind), then theres no reason for impermanence to work against you.
this also counts for people, as well. i feel like we hold others to critical standards, as we should, but contemporarily tend to neglect the fact that people DO change. morals/how you view the world are impacted by experience, and we are all fruits of very very different trees. completely dependent on circumstance, of course, empathy/understanding/consequential second chances are side-swept under the premise of respect/accountability. accountability is CRUCIAL, but i feel like so many of us (myself included) take that to heart and forget that figuring out how someone got to some place is a key aspect of understanding whether or not their position was truly from a place of lack of respect? if that makes any sense??
i also have been thinking about this a lot: my best friend throughout middle school and i fell out the summer before sophomore year over…nothing? idk, 3 years of seeing each other every single day (neighbors) to no contact until senior of high school- still weren’t talking regularly or anything though.
2 years ago, she turned 20. i posted an old photo of us because, despite everything, 20’s a big one.
this year, we’ve spent late nights on facetime, drove to watch the sunrise after hours of catching up on god knows what on the hill where we would listen to music while her mom cooked dinner, and she’s been my go to for any necessary bitching/ranting during whats been the worst year my mental health has ever seen??
time is your friend, if you let it be. connections arent a race in any dynamic, and it’s never over if it’s truly meant to happen.
let life change. i think.
Dec 5, 2024
Top Recs from @briwoot
đź–Ą
using A.I. for art instead of using it to fix problems such as poverty, climate change etc is fucking weird
art is a way people cope with human existence and express feelings as well as share and pass down culture
why tf is A.I. in the mix
its weird to me
Jun 2, 2024
i like to wear lipstick on my upper lip but not the bottom
its v rare when i do
i been doing this since HS honestly and i love it
Jun 19, 2024
đź’–
it can be overwhelming dealing with the absolute chaos of the world
i know that feeling- i usually get so mad i cry
but i learned that you can only focus on what you are able to control
caring about people and the state of the world shows you have a huge beautiful heart
but remember you are only one person
and while you cant fix the world
you can do your best to be part of it and do what you know is right
no matter what
Jun 29, 2024