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Itās a skill that only gets less scary with practice. Do it with people you wonāt ever see again, and do small things! As you get more confident then you can level up to bigger conflict. Like, itās really amazing how much things arenāt that big of a deal. Anxiety makes it seem to us like weāre unsafe for stating our needs.
My journey was one that included a lot of therapy, which if you look at my stuff I recommend a lot. I was always very willing and able to stand up for others, but not myself, so I did a lot of questioning āif this was someone else, would I be okay with it?ā and imagining that I was standing up for younger me. Often times over the top people pleasing was a survival tool that was needed, but isnāt any more.
Alsoā¦ realize you donāt have to be a bitch. Asking for respect and your needs to be met isnāt bitchy. Does that mindset stop you from standing up for yourself? Conflict can be very simple, straightforward, and respectful. If someone goes off on you, thatās their issue. And thatās something that helped me a lot too- other peopleās reactions werenāt entirely because of me. If someone reacted poorly, I could also draw boundaries with how Iām being treated. Pretty cool. Makes me feel like I can handle anything.
Lastly, I worked as a caseworker with DCFS for a few years and that really helped me in the long run. I had to work with and try to help people that hated me, and I learned a lot. While I donāt recommend anyone work for DCFS bc itās a shit system, being forced to experience conflict so much did the trick.
Jul 22, 2024
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if youāre person with anxiety like me or a person who experiences misogyny (also me) then chances are you could always get a little meaner when it comes to asking acceptable behaviour of others. looking back on times when, in the moment, i was worried that i was being too harsh by telling people how they can treat me, retrospectively i have almost never ever in my life felt i did the wrong thing. realizing this has made standing up for myself 10x easier every time i find myself needing to. showing others grace is not incompatible with showing up for yourself, in fact, one necessitates the other!
Mar 14, 2024
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It's easy to get trapped in the intense emotions of those moments, and I'm sorry you're feeling that way. Try to distance yourself from the event as much as you can (don't take your work home, do something you enjoy after work, take a de-stressing nap, etc.) I've been in various support positions for over 10 years at this point, and you eventually start to get a thick skin for the irrational jerks out there, but here are some methods you can use to reframe things when it feels like too much:
- Think about the relative importance of the task at hand. So many things we get bogged down with in our day to day work is practically meaningless in the grand scheme of things. "We're not saving lives." is a phrase I hear quite a bit, so unless you actually are, it might help to think of how ridiculous it is for the person on the other end to get worked up over something not going as planned.
- Consider your worth as an individual in that moment. Just because your job is to help others doesn't mean it's not their job to treat you like a fellow human. I've had several managers over the years that have really stepped up in situations that escalated past the point of reason. Those moments helped me realize I should be advocating for myself more.
- Remember you're not responsible for other peoples' reactions. I have seen people start fuming over the most basic of obstacles, while others have approached fairly large problems with a completely calm, collected demeanor. Even if you were at fault for something that got messed up, an explosive reaction from the other side just exposes the type of person they are. It's not about you or your competence!
Hang in there, and I hope some of this helps
Aug 13, 2024
Iām very open with the fact that I was in years of intense therapy.Ā Ā I still get tune ups if I need it.Ā Ā I do believe we all have core wounds weāre constantly working on.Ā Ā I also think Iāve grown to be a very healthy person.
I have deep, deep father wounds that are never going to fully heal.Ā Ā Iāve worked on it, and theyāre not bothersome most of the time.Ā Ā I recognize when itās triggered and work through it.Ā Ā I just realize Iām going to probably live with it forever, the hope is that it gets smaller and smaller.
I have a history of abusive relationships that Iāve worked really hard to heal from. Stuff from that typically only comes up during conflict, but Iām aware of it and work on it. Thankfully it comes up with people who love me and that has been so healing.
Going from hyper independence to interdependence and learning to be in process with others has been.. work. But worth it.
Iāve always been incredibly hard on myself if I hurt people- itās always unintentional, but how dare I be a human who makes mistakes!!Ā Ā I still have to be extra kind to myself and talk myself off the ledge when this comes up.Ā Ā Funny that I found this meme just today lol
Jul 18, 2024
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This has become the norm and every day I grow more disturbed. I understand if somebody is behaving in a harmful way, that is good to document and put out there. But as a whole, it seems, we have become so comfortable with recording people just living their lives. I saw a video of a guy working and the caption of the video was that he was so hot, we needed to find him!!! Why are you providing the Internet with his face and location instead of just going up to talk to him? I saw another of two people on the subway, seemingly a couple, having a very emotional moment. How would you feel if you open up an app and saw a video like that of yourself? I donāt like this level of sibling society surveillance. Why are you videoing an elderly person with sad music dubbed over it to gain likes? It is WEIRD. Donāt even get me started on videos of children. It is WEIRD to use a stranger without their consent to get some kind of fake validation. Get a life.
I donāt mean to come on here and share something so negative, I just donāt have anywhere else to put it and itās gnawing at me.
Oct 7, 2024
Feb 23, 2025
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Iām curious what your brains are like
1d ago