i’m getting a promotion at work effective september ☺ it’s really nice bc this is the first job i’ve had that i’ve liked (even if the pay and hours aren’t great) as its adjacent to the arts and not retail or food (i’ve done it all and those sort of jobs were detrimental to my mental health). also i need the moola bad. that’s basically all that’s making sense right now.
outside of that, i have no idea what’s going on…i'm very much coasting through life but not in a chill cruise control sort of way. not to be THAT person, but the astrology for my birth chart (mainly my gemini sun) warned of stagnation, taking things slow and lower energy. i’m very much feeling the lower energy but i have a plethora of things i want to work on.
i have so many ideas for paintings and drawings and writing but i can’t wrap my head around any of it right now. feeling almost imposter syndrome-like but i don't like that term and it doesn’t quite describe how i’m feeling. i’m also really antsy for some changes in scenery ☹
gonna do my best to try and get out the house more. i set a goal for myself to make a new friend or two before the end of the year <3 so that’s that, goal setting, pay raise, creating (hopefully soon), trying to stay afloat and reading the stars…
Aug 13, 2024
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( gun to head to define liminal )
here's to moving out of liminality for aries season, which always calls on us to really pop out. this is my birthday season; an excuse to really sync back up with my own natural rhythms of being a burning comet WITH IDEAS AND *INTENT* TO EXECUTE
Mar 22, 2024
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I am right in the middle of a very big transitional period in my life. I've got 22 days left of my corporate job. In 30 days I will be arriving in Lisbon for a one month stay where I will finish my book, work on a collaborative project, go to the beach, meet new people, find new opportunities and heal (literally, I am 99% sure I am about to medically diagnosed with stress). This starts a journey of Becoming A Full Time Artist that is terrifying and precarious. I am about to move back home but I'm not seeing it as a step backwards even though I will miss sin house very much.
I've been dating for the first time in years after two back-to-back ill-advised long distance situationships lol. I feel more connected to who I am and what I want now. I like connecting with new people and learning about them. I like that people want to go on dates with me.
I've been making an extra effort to see my friends. I've missed them so much. Being with them makes me realise what life is all about.
I've been writing songs and recording old ones. I'm playing my first headline show in a really long time tomorrow. I've been reframing how I think of my music career to find validation in small successes and in developing my craft - rather than acquainting the number of plays I get to my worth. This is not easy and yet I persist.
I've been feeling better post-heartbreak. I've also been finding out I have to go for an MRI and a tilt table test to confirm once and for all my heart is okay. My heart has taken a battering in every possible way but it finally feels like I can see some light. I was told to avoid all strenuous activity and heavy lifting eight months ago but the other week I finally got the go ahead from the hospital that it's safe for me to do it again. I have been able to move again and I've started playing badminton and I really love it. I even did a little run on the treadmill last week whilst screaming along to Brat!! It felt euphoric and I can feel my body getting stronger.
Life is good/messy/chaotic/scary/exciting/still somehow peaceful
Aug 14, 2024
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working from what may seem like very surface level cliches but stay w me here
((tldr: why not just believe that its all working out for the better, even if thats not what you planned? also, empathy and objectivity are a solid duo that id like to see in combination more frequently.))
putting this at the top because this is a dissertation, at best; psychosis, at the other end of the pendulum.
sooooooo the fact that u have no control over life liek At All. has been a consistently terrifying concept for FOREVER as a shorty who is Clinically a control freak, but realizing that the unpredictable essence that makes all of this shit unnerving is the very thing that can take the weight of life off of your shoulders has been pretty revolutionary.
im still digesting/integrating it one bite at a time, for sure, so call me a hypocrite ESPECIALLY if you know me personally. when in clarity, though, its been so pleasant to realize that since Nothing truly matters that much since nothing is set in stone anyway- w regard to action, approach, fulfilling temporary expectations of yourself, whether or not you reach short term goals, etc.- living life completely and utterly for yourself and whatever that means to you at any given moment will likely ultimately be the plan that brings you most fulfillment, when all is said and done.
whether that means taking the risk and changing your major, taking that freaky elective bc it sounds cool, moving in w some randos in a townhouse, quitting your job and starting something new- maybe it winds up being an epic fail, who knows? as long as youre setting goals that align with an ultimate sense of who you are and what youre looking to get out of life, which i presume can be solidified further by pursuing said experiences just for the sake of it? right? helps u figure out what u actually want? and as long as you keep bareback essential priorities straight (financial and emotional stability come to mind), then theres no reason for impermanence to work against you.
this also counts for people, as well. i feel like we hold others to critical standards, as we should, but contemporarily tend to neglect the fact that people DO change. morals/how you view the world are impacted by experience, and we are all fruits of very very different trees. completely dependent on circumstance, of course, empathy/understanding/consequential second chances are side-swept under the premise of respect/accountability. accountability is CRUCIAL, but i feel like so many of us (myself included) take that to heart and forget that figuring out how someone got to some place is a key aspect of understanding whether or not their position was truly from a place of lack of respect? if that makes any sense??
i also have been thinking about this a lot: my best friend throughout middle school and i fell out the summer before sophomore year over…nothing? idk, 3 years of seeing each other every single day (neighbors) to no contact until senior of high school- still weren’t talking regularly or anything though.
2 years ago, she turned 20. i posted an old photo of us because, despite everything, 20’s a big one.
this year, we’ve spent late nights on facetime, drove to watch the sunrise after hours of catching up on god knows what on the hill where we would listen to music while her mom cooked dinner, and she’s been my go to for any necessary bitching/ranting during whats been the worst year my mental health has ever seen??
time is your friend, if you let it be. connections arent a race in any dynamic, and it’s never over if it’s truly meant to happen.
let life change. i think.
Dec 5, 2024
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liking ur rec = saying hi when we go to get our morning papers from the end of our driveways (picture me doing so tony soprano style)
Aug 12, 2024
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started writing this a few hours ago when i first saw this ask, then decided against posting but i've since changed my mind. there really is no justification for it outside of entitlement. even from a selfish lens, there's no long term benefit to its usage. it harms the world and culture in more ways than one.
a.) the water and energy usage that isn't a secret at this point. "no ethical consumption under capitalism" yadda yadda and yeah corporations are extremely culpable in the state of the environment but there really is no need for chatgpt and the planet is already too delicate at the moment.
b.) the exploitation of workers in the global south. this program is not just a computer figuring it all out, there are in fact humans behind it. it reminds me of the acceptance of fast fashion and how people have the tendency to divorce the idea of the garment worker from the garment they wear when all clothing is handmade in some way, shape or form. you need hands to man a sewing machine, you need human eyes to moderate content. also, content moderation can be a thankless job with psychological repercussions.
c.) the erosion of social skills, humanity and media literacy...this one is very personal. like, you have a cushy email job but can't write an email? you need a computer and a worker in kenya to get paid a dollar an hour to figure out a daily routine for you? i've seen the program churn out blatantly incorrect information. fine tuning a prompt or chat or whatever to give you the exact (possibly incorrect) answer you need isn't really that much less work than sharpening your research skills by cracking open a dictionary or using boolean search keys in google. again, the main issue with this kind of stuff is the entitlement to convenience, with no thought towards the repercussions within and outside of us. we are losing major recipes (critical thinking and media literacy) here, people!
i probably did an iffy job are coherently articulating my thoughts here but i am in fact, human. and that’s the beauty of it all.
Oct 1, 2024
i don’t work w oils often, mainly tempera, collage, and digital but this is the one i'm still most proud of as of late bc it’s way bigger (18x24) than i'm used to working <3
Oct 14, 2024