I am right in the middle of a very big transitional period in my life. I've got 22 days left of my corporate job. In 30 days I will be arriving in Lisbon for a one month stay where I will finish my book, work on a collaborative project, go to the beach, meet new people, find new opportunities and heal (literally, I am 99% sure I am about to medically diagnosed with stress). This starts a journey of Becoming A Full Time Artist that is terrifying and precarious. I am about to move back home but I'm not seeing it as a step backwards even though I will miss sin house very much.
I've been dating for the first time in years after two back-to-back ill-advised long distance situationships lol. I feel more connected to who I am and what I want now. I like connecting with new people and learning about them. I like that people want to go on dates with me.
I've been making an extra effort to see my friends. I've missed them so much. Being with them makes me realise what life is all about.
I've been writing songs and recording old ones. I'm playing my first headline show in a really long time tomorrow. I've been reframing how I think of my music career to find validation in small successes and in developing my craft - rather than acquainting the number of plays I get to my worth. This is not easy and yet I persist.
I've been feeling better post-heartbreak. I've also been finding out I have to go for an MRI and a tilt table test to confirm once and for all my heart is okay. My heart has taken a battering in every possible way but it finally feels like I can see some light. I was told to avoid all strenuous activity and heavy lifting eight months ago but the other week I finally got the go ahead from the hospital that it's safe for me to do it again. I have been able to move again and I've started playing badminton and I really love it. I even did a little run on the treadmill last week whilst screaming along to Brat!! It felt euphoric and I can feel my body getting stronger.
Life is good/messy/chaotic/scary/exciting/still somehow peaceful
Related Recs
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Today marks a full year since I moved back home to Australia from Lundan, Engaland.
And for the majority of the past year I have felt like confetti after it’s been shot from one of those guns: melancholy, floating, apart. but something strange began to happen in the past 2 months or so. The work I’ve put into being a better version of me in this new/old place is kind of beginning to take shape and I’ve started to feel, especially today I feel: Good? Hopeful? Proud? Whole. Almost… content?????
Is this normal?
I like it.
Jul 17, 2024
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I’m not going to call this gifted kid burnout which I think is often just a symptom of the popping of the bubble of people’s confused delusions of grandeur because they didn’t realize that gifted education programs are at best a way of giving specialized and individualized education, and at worst a way of achieving legal segregation in schools.
Not to brag, but my therapist who specialized in EMDR therapy for treating people with trauma told me that I had the most difficult childhood of anyone she had ever treated. It was also filled with beauty and I was encouraged in my many skills and pursuits early on, but the inner rot of compounded repeated traumas, keeping secrets, and hiding my suffering eventually took hold.
I was always a good student but as things at home intensified I cared less and less. A teacher noticed this and tried to take advantage of my vulnerable state. This made matters more complicated for me because still to this day he’s my favorite teacher that I ever had; he taught me much of what I know about writing and helped me to develop my skills.
After that, I spent my time in school just coasting along, putting in the minimal amount of effort to no fail. I had no goals or ambition. After graduation, I flitted from service job to service job. I started seeing my therapist and thinking about what I actually wanted to do.
I realized I had one exceptional skill which could be monetized to my advantage and I threw myself into it, grinding to make a living and improve my station in life. This worked and I live in decent material comfort, but I’ve realized the lifestyle I always thought I wanted isn’t what I want at all, so I’m reevaluating that and beginning to explore what that looks like.
There are several different exciting paths of progression my career could take, but I’m also finally working on creative projects for the first time in about a decade, so I’m going to see where life takes me. My best friend tells me I should become certified as a yoga teacher, and going back to school to study psychology and become a therapist would also be tight. I would love to seek a second career.
It took me a long time to get here but I’m trying to actualize and find purpose… Something something Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
May 26, 2024
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i’m getting a promotion at work effective september ☺ it’s really nice bc this is the first job i’ve had that i’ve liked (even if the pay and hours aren’t great) as its adjacent to the arts and not retail or food (i’ve done it all and those sort of jobs were detrimental to my mental health). also i need the moola bad. that’s basically all that’s making sense right now.
outside of that, i have no idea what’s going on…i'm very much coasting through life but not in a chill cruise control sort of way. not to be THAT person, but the astrology for my birth chart (mainly my gemini sun) warned of stagnation, taking things slow and lower energy. i’m very much feeling the lower energy but i have a plethora of things i want to work on.
i have so many ideas for paintings and drawings and writing but i can’t wrap my head around any of it right now. feeling almost imposter syndrome-like but i don't like that term and it doesn’t quite describe how i’m feeling. i’m also really antsy for some changes in scenery ☹
gonna do my best to try and get out the house more. i set a goal for myself to make a new friend or two before the end of the year <3 so that’s that, goal setting, pay raise, creating (hopefully soon), trying to stay afloat and reading the stars…
Aug 13, 2024
Top Recs from @caskeyc
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1. Don't set an alarm and wake up naturally. Snooze for however long you want to, it's okay
2. Have breakfast. For me it's toast. Have it with butter/jam/honey and a lot of water and coffee and juice.
3. Listen to an album in full and do some puzzles until it ends. I like to stick a record on and do the nyt games (connections, then wordle, then the mini, then I'm ready for a crossword)
4. Shower and use all your best stuff. Smell great. Make your hair feel soft.
5. Wear an outfit you don't get to wear that often. I tend to wear the same thing over and over at work so I wear something a bit more fun and less practical.
6. Go outside. I live near a road with secondhand shops that are great browsing but quite tempting on a budget. To beat the temptation just look in the windows and then walk round the streets or to a green space if it's a nice day. Walk as fast or as slow as you like. Try and spot cats that might let you stroke them. See how each place you go smells different. Walk down streets that you've not been down before just because.
7. Come home and decide how much energy you have. If you have energy do an activity (I would write, play an instrument, do some art, read, play a game) if you don't then watch something from your watchlist. Saturdays feel like a good day to watch something new.
8. Cook yourself a meal. Start before you're hungry and spend ages on it. Use every pot. Listen to music. Sing whilst you wash the dishes.
9. Play! Video games, board games, internet games, card games, phone games, rearrange your plushies, embrace your inner child. Play with ideas, experiment with felt tip pens, write a limerick. Get silly with it.
10. Talk to your friends. Invite them over, call somebody up, text that person back you didn't have time to. I like to spend a good day off by myself then have a great time talking to people after I've recharged.
11. Have so much fun getting to do whatever you want you fall asleep at whatever time. Monday - Friday is about appeasing your body clock, Saturdays are for filthy pleasures like falling asleep at 3am because you were too busy flirting or reading or watching videos.
Apr 16, 2024
Re: my last rec I'm kinda realizing reading this might have changed my life actually
Apr 16, 2024