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Today marks a full year since I moved back home to Australia from Lundan, Engaland.
And for the majority of the past year I have felt like confetti after it’s been shot from one of those guns: melancholy, floating, apart. but something strange began to happen in the past 2 months or so. The work I’ve put into being a better version of me in this new/old place is kind of beginning to take shape and I’ve started to feel, especially today I feel: Good? Hopeful? Proud? Whole. Almost… content?????
Is this normal?
I like it.
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I am right in the middle of a very big transitional period in my life. I've got 22 days left of my corporate job. In 30 days I will be arriving in Lisbon for a one month stay where I will finish my book, work on a collaborative project, go to the beach, meet new people, find new opportunities and heal (literally, I am 99% sure I am about to medically diagnosed with stress). This starts a journey of Becoming A Full Time Artist that is terrifying and precarious. I am about to move back home but I'm not seeing it as a step backwards even though I will miss sin house very much.
I've been dating for the first time in years after two back-to-back ill-advised long distance situationships lol. I feel more connected to who I am and what I want now. I like connecting with new people and learning about them. I like that people want to go on dates with me.
I've been making an extra effort to see my friends. I've missed them so much. Being with them makes me realise what life is all about.
I've been writing songs and recording old ones. I'm playing my first headline show in a really long time tomorrow. I've been reframing how I think of my music career to find validation in small successes and in developing my craft - rather than acquainting the number of plays I get to my worth. This is not easy and yet I persist.
I've been feeling better post-heartbreak. I've also been finding out I have to go for an MRI and a tilt table test to confirm once and for all my heart is okay. My heart has taken a battering in every possible way but it finally feels like I can see some light. I was told to avoid all strenuous activity and heavy lifting eight months ago but the other week I finally got the go ahead from the hospital that it's safe for me to do it again. I have been able to move again and I've started playing badminton and I really love it. I even did a little run on the treadmill last week whilst screaming along to Brat!! It felt euphoric and I can feel my body getting stronger.
Life is good/messy/chaotic/scary/exciting/still somehow peaceful
Aug 14, 2024
Spent the day with my mom—it was nice, overdue. But now I’m wrung out, heavy-limbed, like I left pieces of myself scattered along the way. Is it the starkness of seeing the world unfiltered, or the quiet exhaustion of performing okay-ness? I don’t know. Maybe I’m not sad. Maybe this is just the shape I take now— kicking up my feet on the edge of something vast, staring out, waiting to feel like I belong to myself again.
Feb 14, 2025
It’s been so long since I‘ve woken up and felt inspired to make the day my bitch. I miss being silly, I miss feeling gratitude. I want to notice life again; feel the pulse of the earth beating alongside mine.
I spend my time dulling myself on Instagram, or dreaming about my future in the mountains or ocean or California—somewhere magical where I’m happy.
Be where your feet are. That’s the mantra that was grinded into me a few summers ago. Be present and you’ll be happy. Somewhat, I’ve been trying this. meditation once a week or occasional yoga. But I’m not doing enough to make a serious impact.
May this post be my marker. The year is pretty much still fresh, spring is coming (hopefully), and I pledge to be more presen. I shall wake up ready to happy light and go to bed with a belly full of tea. Let the joy return!!!!!!
Feb 28, 2025
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Ok I don’t know if I can articulate just how good this recc is but I’ll try. For some reason when the moon is full I can stand and look at it wherever it may be in the sky and just think ahhh everything will be ok. I feel still and calm. I am tiny they are big: a glowing beauteous reassuring orb. I then check on it, consistently peeking out my window through the night to make sure it’s still there. like a parent checking on their bab. I love that it’s there! I love that it affects the oceans. I love that we can see the patterns on its face. If I had to choose between living on the moon or Mars id choose neither because I never not want the chance to see it from afar. I like it as a crescent all the same or when it’s brand new and you see its shadow but god dammit when it’s full it is meaningful and magnificent.
Mar 24, 2024
Mar 21, 2024
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my 69 year old Dad thinks we are going to be ok actually
May 10, 2024