My dad passed earlier this year, so I’m still grieving. But the best advice I could give is to:
1. Feel your emotions. If you’re sad and want to cry about it, cry. If you’re missing them, thinking of the fun times you had together and do something in their remembrance.
2. Don’t look for comforting from people who don’t get it. Some people don’t get it until it’s happened to them. Some people will never get it. No point in explaining your feelings to them while your in the middle of grieving.
3. Just keep going. I’m sure your uncle doesn’t want you to wallow and stand in place forever. I’m sure he would be more proud to see you continue your life and be great.
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Aug 18, 2024
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I was very young when my mum was in end of life care so my frame of reference is processed through childhood eyes, but one thing I wish had been done differently was that I wish I’d had more time to wallow and process. just going to school when my mum was at home dying was very weird, and meant it took longer for me to process that was was going on was a big deal that I was allowed (and supposed) to feel sad about it. So my advice would to be give yourself TIME. Going about your daily life, studies, work etc as if everything is normal feels so strange. Obviously we need some normality so as not to crumble, but allow yourself the time for it to not be normal. Take time off! If it’s possible for you, take more time off than you think is even necessary. keep doing things you enjoy, but don’t push to keep on as normal. If you’re in a situation where it would be frowned upon for you to cry, that is not a situation for you to be in right now. (most of the time just knowing you could safely cry leaves space for you to be able to laugh). Also in terms of making it easier on your mum and everyone, in my experience when people come to the end of their lives they need honesty over denial. obviously this depends on the characters of the people involved, but I would say lean into the weirdness of it, acknowledge how scary and awful it is, don’t pretend it’s fine. let your brave mask fall, it’s in those moments you find real connection.
May 24, 2024
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Play music, if she likes it. I second telling jokes. If possible, invite friends or other family to come say hi and tell stories. Don't be afraid to ask for help, people sometimes have a hard time knowing what to say and genuinely want to do something to feel useful. Something easy to ask for are homecooked meals for you and your sister. Ask the nurses for help and advice. Try your best to take care of yourself, especially when it comes to sleep.
And I second taking your time to feel the grief and leaning into honest and the weirdness. Speaking of weird, listening to Alan Watts lectures helped me, both in becoming more comfortable with death and thinking about how beautiful life is. I can't remember which ones, but maybe something to look up if you feel drawn to it.
I went through this with my dad and can honestly say while it was the hardest thing I've been through, I am ultimately grateful for the experience. I don't think I'll have a greater privilege than taking care of him and being there with him. I won't say it's harder or easier than a sudden death, because it's all pretty brutal. But not everyone gets the chance to be there. Sending lots of good thoughts your way Katrina
May 24, 2024
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lost a sister to sudden illness when I was 6, my aunt (my mother’s twin) to suicide when I was 15, and lost my mother to suicide when I was 23.
i’ve learned that life definitely keeps you on your toes, and that plans should all be held with an open palm. the best you can do is appreciate with upmost sincerity what you have in the moment, trust in your ability to weather what may come, and believe that wherever you might end up on the other side of things that you can still change the direction you choose to go.
nothing is permanent except for the memories of the experiences you share with loved ones and the consequences for yourself and others of the choices you make. also get yourself well mentally and emotionally, stay on that journey of healing. the scars of unhealthy grief run deep and transcend generations.
also tell your mamas you love em especially if they raised you right 🫶🫶
Jul 18, 2024
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I miss burning CDs! Now I have no way to play them. I love how all over the place they used to be. They feel so personal.
My second-rate option is to do one of those spotify blends with friends.
Apr 26, 2024
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Idk if you’re a dilly-dallier like me, but sometimes I delay going to sleep because then I’ll have to get up and do stuff in the morning or I just want to spend a little more time doing whatever I want. But just go to sleep. You‘ll have more time to dream 😶🌫️
Aug 18, 2024
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I know, it sounds very easy. But for some (me), I really felt like I was missing out if I left early because I was tired or just not feeling it. Especially when I invited people to be there.
But I’m actually not missing anything. Nothing is happening anywhere that I’m supposed to see or experience if I’m not there. Anything that I miss is supposed to miss me.
Also, I left this party early and drove up Canal Rd in Georgetown and what a dream. Everything in DC is so lush in May.
May 6, 2024