As Otis said, 'try a lil tenderness'. It's amazing how much people can soften when you give them attention, affection, and your own calm energy! Sometimes I think people that are prone to yelling is because they have a complex about not being listened to so if you just start off by giving them your undivided attention, it may catch them off guard, but they won't have anywhere to yell really?
When all else fails in and things get heated, always bring people back to the goal. What have we set out to do and how can we make it happen, even with these new problems? Put feelings/who's at fault/frustration aside and treat everything as a creative problem that can be solved with a creative solution. <3
Oct 4, 2024
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This is what came to mind first:
When you get into conflict with your partner, it is okay to step away to regulate yourself, collect your thoughts, etc. It is not okay to leave the conversation entirely and then never circle back to it to finish.
In previous relationships of mine, it felt like we always were in ongoing conflict. We never actually came to a close of any one conflict, it was just that one or both of us was too tired so we left it and just moved on.
I had a therapist that really drilled into me that arguably one of the most important parts of conflict is the coming together afterwards. Even if you have to get to a space of agree to disagree, making an effort to reconnect in your love for another actually closes the argument and maintains the relationship.
This can also help with the piling on of past conflicts that can happen. “ well, you also did this and you always do this.!” if you actually had closed that conflict previously, you wouldn’t need to bring it up to get validation for it. That was another rule that I was taught: when you bring something up, be specific and stay in the present moment. That doesn’t mean you can’t bring up a pattern, but you have to be able to tie that back to a specific action of some kind. Even if you allude to it being a pattern, bring it back to talking about the specific example that you brought up. It just makes things a lot easier, and also helps from making any assaults on somebody’s character.
Jan 17, 2025
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IDK most thread answers here seem idealistic. Sometimes people know exactly how they are contributing to the conflict and are counting on your grace to bulldoze whatever it is they want to achieve. Don't ever acuse or jump to conclusions but always respectfully lay out their words / behavior back to them and basically let them know that you already know what the fuck is up. Maybe they are doing it somewhat unconsciously, maybe you understand, however an empathetic but straightforward read of what you are seeing and hearing from them reflected back goes a long way. sometimes you even come back stronger
Oct 8, 2024
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(Note: this isn't a replacement for addressing bad behavior, leaving toxic situations, etc.)
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I had two roommates and one of them was often a real jerk. He was a bit older and he'd lecture us other two about our lives and on a range of issues.
Over time, I'd find that the other roommate and I would trash talk the jerk when he wasn't around.
One time the two of us were sitting in a diner late at night, complaining about the other guy, and we just decided for some reason to change the script. "Let's say what we appreciate about him."
So we did. It was difficult at first, but going back and forth we were able to identify a bunch of stuff that we liked about him. "His beard is great." "He likes good books." "He wants to see people thrive."
Then we headed back to our apartment and to our surprise we were actually looking forward to seeing him. And he seemed like he was looking forward to seeing us.
Things got easier after that. I realized that my expectations and posture toward him was part of the issue—I was getting the negativity that I was saying I was expecting. And so altering my words was a really good step toward fixing my lens and adjusting my heart.
Nov 14, 2024
Top Recs from @skeletonbride
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Look i know it's not hip or indie or chic and it's most definitely brain soda. But I truly never get tired of analyzing other people's relational problems as a way of violently ignoring my own.
Feb 23, 2024
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Promise I'm not ass-kissing but I just got a joyful (sort of nostalgic??) burst of energy from logging onto this website for the first time? ⭐️ Happy 2 b here y'all ⭐️
Jan 24, 2024
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1. Wake up
2. Don't look at your phone. Forget the news. Turn on some relaxing tunes.
3. Make your brekkie.
4. Put some puzzle pieces together as you munch away.
5. Go about the rest of your day with the pure joy and serene satisfaction that only really a puzzle can give.
Jan 25, 2024