i was 16, & i’d gotten my lip pierced literally the day before. the piercer really emphasised how important it was to not drink and to not kiss anyone for at least a few days, and i reassured her that i was definitely not cool enough to be doing either of those things.
but then i got a last minute invite to my first house party the next day (lip piercing added some cool points i guess) so of course i had to go.
my friend started plying me with drinks and i am nothing if not pliable. eventually we ended up sitting on a bench together in the darkest corner of the garden, both pretty tipsy, and she said “we could totally kiss right now” and i was like “we shouldn’t….. because of my piercing..” but then i thought about it for a second, realised how Lame that was, reassessed my priorities, and kissed her. i think as far as first kisses go, technique wise, it was actually pretty good!!! but some boy from our school who we didn’t know also started filming us halfway through, so less good in other ways. i think he literally gasped and said “lesbians!!!” so silly.
nothing else ever happened between me and my friend. i was a little bummed about it at the time but i’m pretty glad in retrospect. we were very different people. also, my lip piercing was totally fine, thank goodness
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So one of my flexes is that actually I had a great first kiss experience. I was 15, it was with my girlfriend at the time. We had been dating on and off for a few months (this was both our first like serious relationship that counted so it was pretty messy in soooo many ways). We had been best friends for a long time before dating and we always had feelings for each other.
We were in my house playing Dictator on my iPad, sitting on a bean bag in my room. We were cuddling and the tension was over the roof, and after holding the most intense stare ever I ask "what?" (and I knew what was happening but I wanted to play dumb so that she would say it and then I would not have to start it because I was nervous and we had never kissed and thought she might reject me?) anyway and she went "god, I hope I don't regret this" (which like looking back no wonder I was afraid of getting rejected and like damn bitch but also we were teens and she was very nervous too). So she KISSED ME and everything inside me exploded. We proceeded to make out for like a full 40 minutes with some breaks and like got hands under shirts and also this was the first time I ever touched a boob and it was MINDBLOWING and AWESOME (i love boobs).
The breaks we took in between were also pretty sweet. Our relationship up to this point and also after was full of hiding because neither of us wanted our families to know we were together so we were always looking to get intimate in positions were breaking apart at a moment's notice would give us plausible deniability (I still was a cishet man so it wasn't a closet thing back then, but neither of us was ever very close to our families that way). We would play a couple of rounds of Dictator and then make out in the ad breaks. Also my dog was around and wanted to play and was SUCH a bother. In the end the secrecy wasn't effective because the bean bag was right in front of my door (which I was not allowed to close) and we noticed at some point my mom was passing my room on the way out of a room we never saw her walk into in the first place...? So she definitely saw us, we just don't know at what part (hopefully not when we were getting handsy LOL).
We dated for a couple of months more, broke up because I left on a semester abroad, got back together after two years and had a much better, healthier, steady relationship for that time. We don't speak anymore (but that's a story for ANOTHER day) but last we spoke about this we both remember this kiss very fondly.
Oct 17, 2024
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i was raised in a highly religious household where i was taught that dating was for marriage. middle school romances, then, were frowned upon and seen as fickle because they “just lead to unnecessary heartbreak“. as fucked up as this logic was, it made sense to me at the time and little me became an expert at suppressing any and all romantic urges, knowing that one day, when i was old enough, my time would come. brainwashing runs deep though, and this sense of being too young for a serious relationship never left me.
time passes, and one day i find myself at 18 years old sitting in the most romantic gazebo in a forest with this girl i felt i really liked at the time. i tell her how much i like her. she says she feels the same. my heart is pounding like never before. yet, terrified of commitment, feeling ashamed of having feelings, and having the sense that im going to have to marry this girl if things went any further, the moment came and went and we never kissed.
we end up moving away from each other. i spend my next years at college feeling heartbroken but also wracking my brain over why things never truly felt right with her. i do shrooms, my religiosity unravels, and i finally accept that im gay. internal crises ensue and i spend a good couple years “doing they work”, as they say.
flash forward to 23. i‘ve moved to the city and have my own apartment. i’ve just come out two months prior. i decide i want to start dating (big because i had never actually dated anyone, esp men). i meet someone online and we go out a few times. i’m absolutely charmed and he tells me how bad he wants to kiss me but i have to decline because i still feel like i barely know him and i don’t want to regret it. i explain my lore to give reason for my apprehension. like, the stakes are now HIGH - my brain is way too developed at this point for me to waste my first kiss on just anyone.
one evening shortly after, we’re chatting on the couch in my apartment and that pre-kiss feeling is in the air. he asks again if he can kiss me and i say yes. he leans in, does the deed, i kiss back, and we make out for close to three hours (needed to make up for 23 years of nothing). one of the best nights of my life. it took years of self-work and un-conditioning to get to that place in my life where i could experience/enjoy a moment like that and im so proud of myself for it<3
epilogue: we continued to go out but ended up doing the whole anxious/avoidant situationship dance which nearly destroyed me in the end (i still think about him every day). but we had some good times lol
Oct 17, 2024
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i will tell the tragic story of both of my first kisses:
I was a bit of a late bloomer romantically, and didn’t engage in pining of any sort until about age 15. At some point during my 15th year on this earth, I asked out a girl I knew named Adina who had very beautiful eyes, and we “dated” for a couple of months: we sat in coffee shops for an hour once a week or so holding slippery, sweaty hands and not making eye contact. This continued until my 16th birthday part sleepover. We two were the last still awake, and there, in the dark, on the hardwood floor of my living room, she kissed me. I remember she put her hand in my hair and i felt blessed.
She pulled away and as I was gearing up to say something, she said:
“I don’t think i like girls actually“
Woe!
I in my soul felt damned but tried to handle it with grace. We are still vague friends to this day.
second kiss:
A few months later, I met a boy who ate paper plates, had a reputation for being mean, and regularly skipped class to play guitar in the closet of his school. I deemed it prudent to lose my virginity to him (a confusing but not surprising decision in hindsight.) we started courting, and one day in the autumn, under a tree in washington square park, we kissed. Again, it was beautiful. Until halfway through he pulled away, excused himself, and threw up behind the tree.
WOE AGAIN!!!
Turns out he had strep and did not tell me. we dated for 10 months, broke up, and then dated/broke up again later in life, with much tumult and excitement along the way.
And that is the story of both my first kisses and how I believed I was cursed forever!!!
Oct 17, 2024
Top Recs from @nikau
Feb 1, 2024
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romanticise ur blunders & ur missteps, bc that is just part of being a creature. if u saw a duckling fall flat on its face and scramble 2 its feet u wouldn't judge the freakin duckling, u would think it was the cutest thing ever. because it is. we r just organisms in big ungainly bodies, and that is part of our charm. tripping over ur own feet is maybe the most adorable thing u can do. like awwhh u tripped on the pavement </333
this extends 2 social interactions 2. messaging exes that u miss them, making a joke that doesn't land, mishearing/not knowing/forgetting something, etc??!!?! SO SWEET. genuinely such wonderful & important & adorable things 2 do.
i think this is maybe the best thing i've ever managed 2 train my brain 2 do. it isn't foolproof but it makes life a lot gentler.
Feb 5, 2024
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just about everything that happens to you will be interesting to your future self/your descendants/archaeologists. immortalise your to do lists, shopping lists, packing lists, things that loved ones say, things that strangers say, the phrases you hear that would make a good band name. brainstorm what to do on the weekend, list your cravings, the songs stuck in your head, transcribe birdsong, etc. i track my periods & my finances in my journal. sometimes if i really want to take a photo of something i'll restrain myself and draw it in my journal instead. sometimes i take notes for uni in there, or draft sewing patterns, or sketch when im bored. journals are self-portraits!!!!!!!
Apr 21, 2024