i was a voracious reader and a bit of a loner so this was a logical progression. it was a form of escapism for me and i loved inventing new worlds. i unfortunately began to hide my writings when my mom stumbled upon one i wrote from the perspective of a medieval peasant living in the midst of a plague and it scared her into thinking i was deeply troubled for a while. she still brings it up to this day. but i kept it up for years. i still have bits stories that i started in even in college that will likely never see the light of day but i look back at all of it fondly and still love to write today even if nothing came of it :)
Oct 17, 2024
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I have for the longest time had a long ongoing story in my mind that I think about whenever I’m bored.
Waiting in the line at a grocery store? Sitting in a waiting room?
Let me think about this story with these characters in my head.
Free TV with my imagination.
I have tried writing it down several times but it just steals the magic. There can be plot holes and things that don’t make sense because nobody knows about this.
Probably a symptom of my mental illness but I quite enjoy it.
Feb 8, 2025
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i don't write often but the second half surprised me, i like it a lot. maybe i'll keep working on it
i’m not interested in a career
never have been
i don’t want to devote my time
i wanna have it
things spin around me
they evolve and they live
so much going on at the edges
but i’m stuck on the axis
i cry and whine about it
but what am i actually doing
surely i just have to.. start
if only i could lift my limbs
why is it so goddamn hard
i just need another excuse
why can’t my brain process failure
i just need to be good and i’ll do it
yeah i’m a creative person
i have a guitar and some watercolors
and 5 unfinished sketchbooks
tucked away in a closet
maybe i just have to branch out
don’t have to be in it, i can be around it
don’t ask me to talk to new people though
don’t ask me to follow up
tick tock time’s a ticking
you already lost 3 years, why are you waiting
it’s already too late, sit tight
maybe in another life
May 14, 2024
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Not that anyone will care, but to understand me you have to understand this:
I was raised by Christian Protestant fundamentalists, the youngest of 4 by 10 years. Although I resent the church and the theology I desperately tried to make myself believe, I am grateful for their teachings of serving and loving others, even if they contradicted themselves when they told me to fear the evil nature of humanity.
I was named after my grandma, who lived with me for 11 years of my childhood and remained ever trusting and kind as she fell victim to dementia. By the time I was 8 my parents seemed to have tired from raising 4 kids and intensively caring for a 90 year old woman, and I was free to bike miles across town to the library unsupervised, and patch myself up when I fell and bled, and lock myself in my room to read every spare hour of the day. I would read while I ate breakfast, I would read while brushing my teeth, I would read and I wouldn’t hear it if someone called my name. I discovered the internet soon after and unfortunately the curiosities it offered won out over literature. When the internet taught me I wouldn’t live forever in heaven under the tree of life with Teddy Roosevelt and my grandpa, I was on my own to process and panic and pretend to pray.
My family came from Norway, across Canada, down to Northern Idaho to work in the lumber yards, and finally to Oregon when starvation wages hit the shop teachers. My mom grew up on elk tongue sandwiches and I was never allowed to leave a plate full.
I always struggled with friendships, not because people didn’t like me but because I have a tendency for isolating myself. The people I love most tend to be strange and upfront and vulnerable. And I do love my family, but more than anything I want to be independent and meet many strange and upfront people who will lead me to adventure. I am almost 20 and I am an artist. I have no tattoos and I am reckoning with my potential.
Feb 28, 2025
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liking ur rec = saying hi when we go to get our morning papers from the end of our driveways (picture me doing so tony soprano style)
Aug 12, 2024
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she can’t see my bank account so it’s ok.
Mar 21, 2025
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started writing this a few hours ago when i first saw this ask, then decided against posting but i've since changed my mind. there really is no justification for it outside of entitlement. even from a selfish lens, there's no long term benefit to its usage. it harms the world and culture in more ways than one.
a.) the water and energy usage that isn't a secret at this point. "no ethical consumption under capitalism" yadda yadda and yeah corporations are extremely culpable in the state of the environment but there really is no need for chatgpt and the planet is already too delicate at the moment.
b.) the exploitation of workers in the global south. this program is not just a computer figuring it all out, there are in fact humans behind it. it reminds me of the acceptance of fast fashion and how people have the tendency to divorce the idea of the garment worker from the garment they wear when all clothing is handmade in some way, shape or form. you need hands to man a sewing machine, you need human eyes to moderate content. also, content moderation can be a thankless job with psychological repercussions.
c.) the erosion of social skills, humanity and media literacy...this one is very personal. like, you have a cushy email job but can't write an email? you need a computer and a worker in kenya to get paid a dollar an hour to figure out a daily routine for you? i've seen the program churn out blatantly incorrect information. fine tuning a prompt or chat or whatever to give you the exact (possibly incorrect) answer you need isn't really that much less work than sharpening your research skills by cracking open a dictionary or using boolean search keys in google. again, the main issue with this kind of stuff is the entitlement to convenience, with no thought towards the repercussions within and outside of us. we are losing major recipes (critical thinking and media literacy) here, people!
i probably did an iffy job are coherently articulating my thoughts here but i am in fact, human. and that’s the beauty of it all.
Oct 1, 2024