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i was far too busy getting completely obliterated to do so in my early 20s. (do not recommend.)
but the experience of doing schoolwork now feels like it did as a little kid. you know.. before puberty knocked me awake to the reality of my shitty home life, which caused a haze of depression to fall over me.
in my single digit years i remember being so excited to do school work, and feeling so proud of myself when i did well. im getting a taste of that again.
i never lost the exhilarating feeling i got from gaining knowledge that truly excites me. but itās a beautiful new kinda thing with the added clarity gained from not being ripped on weed 24/7 and the added confidence gained from surviving the shit hand that was given to me as a kid.
hang in there šļø
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first day of school two years post college feels like Iām a kid again
and itās for actual classes Iām excited about
Aug 26, 2024
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I hated college when I was there but I miss it so much everyday. I miss smiling at people in the hallway and doing homework. I think itās good to reflect and appreciate things, even if you didnāt appreciate it in the moment. Having something to yearn about will push you to greater places.
Jan 8, 2025
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iām in my third year of university and it has been quite a ride. first year i was living in residence and had an amazing roommate who is still my best friend now, but i was not prepared for how hard classes would be so i was a total slacker and got some pretty bad grades.
second year, i donāt remember much. i was living at home and i had a few friends i had class with, and my grades improved a bit since i actually knew how much work it took. but my chem courses were making me want to die. i ended up passing in the end though, thank goodness.
third year, ive lost contact with most of my friends. people donāt talk to me in class anymore, i donāt really go out a lot, but ive finally figured out what i want to do post-grad. iām working my ass off to keep my grades up, and itās really hard. iām in a difficult program at a well ranked school, and itās really taking its toll on my mental health. but iām looking towards the future and working my way past the shit iām dealing with. i have a few friends that i really love, and a partner thatās supporting me like crazy, so iām sure it will all turn out okay.
just remember: it will always be more work than you expect. i sailed by in high school and then realized i didnāt know how to study (and still donāt) once i got to uni. but if you work hard, try different techniques, make friends with people you can work with, and forgo fun things sometimes, youāll make it through
Jan 19, 2025
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im a hardcore people pleaser. when i started getting into heroin heavily i noticed how when i was on the bus i was able to assert myself and be rude to people who deserved it. the compulsion to be a walking punching bag was something i loathed about myself. i was always the first to apologize when someone else bumped into me. it was humiliating, but i couldnāt stop it without dope.
eventually i found myself unable to financially maintain a 6 bag a day habit. i got on methadone. train rides into manhattan became unbearable as i sunk back into sycophantic hysteria. i could no longer advocate for myself when a creep sat across the aisle staring at me for 10 stops. i gazed at my phone, unable to look away for a second in case i accidentally made eye contact with yet another creep who wouldnāt leave me alone. so i started taking xanax. like heroin, it allowed me to slip into bitchiness easily.
iāll save you all the whining about how awful heroin and xanax addiction was. itās obvious why using drugs to be a bitch isnāt sustainable. it took a long time but i quit xanax and got off methadone. a little over a year ago i cut out the last three mind altering substances in my daily rotation. in a fresh state of clarity, i found myself right back where i was ten years prior.. being a doormat to assholes on public transportation.
getting high definitely allowed me to be the bitch i always wanted to be.
but (in my authentic corny ass overly earnest fashion) i have found my life to be more full by accepting myself and dealing with who i really am. using drugs to put me in bitch mode didnāt make me that bitch. the yearning for acceptance just festered deeper and deeper inside of my core. iām still working on my people pleasing ways, one interaction at a time. i guess itās something that iāll always have to fight. but i feel so much stronger facing my flaws with a clear mind.
i continue to be the first to apologize when someone bumps into me on the bus. itās ok though. slowly i am gaining the ability to advocate for myself when it really matters. without being a bitch.
Jul 22, 2024
grateful i was able to catch this weird little subculture while it was new
Jul 22, 2024
