To be upfront, there are two things about myself that I love:
1. I'm tenacious AF
2. I am generally a positive person. I can handle almost any situtation, and I've had to learn to actually ask/demand more, so it's not always great.
With that being said, I've wanted to die many times. I've experienced a lot of trauma. I have PTSD for years. Things got to a point where I knew if I didn't make really drastic changes I was going to die in some way- I simply could not go on how I was.
The only thing that started to change things is when I started to learn more about myself and my reasons for doing things, being with certain people, getting into certain relationships. Part of my whole issue was that I had major trauma from childhood that I was actively avoiding. So many things happen to us as children, big and small, that we don't have the capacticy to deal with at the time. But as adults, we do.
I remember the moment where things started shifting for me. It unlocked a hunger in me to dig more and more to why I was the way I was, and why I made the choices I did, in a really deep way. I became more action oriented in facing my shit, healing it, and discovering what I was like without it. It definitely wasn't easy, and it wasn't fun most of the time, but in reality the years I spent doing that are small compared to the life I have ahead of me. I'm a whole new person, but the parts of me that are true are the same. I became a more mature, loving, responsible version of myself.
Hating your life is a sign something is not working. If you're unsure what that is, go inward. If you don't know where to start, think about the very next step. That's all you need to do. You're never locked in where you're at now forever. Don't know what you want to do for a career? Switch gears and do a completely different job. There is no timeline. You can literally do whatever you want. When I was doing a lot of the stressful inner work, I worked at animal shelters because I needed something so low stress. And I was mid 20's!!! No career goals in sight!!! Not even anywhere in my brain!!! If you're straight up hating something that is taking up most of your time... just quit it. Life is too short.
Success to me is ease and grace. I want a peaceful, joyful life (most of the time). Sometimes to figure out what you need to do, you gotta take a giant step back. Or a step to the left. Or take a big roundabout. Or maybe a quest needs to be taken...
Dec 4, 2024
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Idk if you mean hatred of your like material conditions or hatred of yourself but both were mixed together for me.
I had no idea I hated my life so much until I had to sit back last year and realize a lot of the dumb decisions I made that ruined my life as I knew it were . . . More rooted in hatred than I realized. I mean, yeah economic factors and capitalist bullshit was also a major factor but boy I could have avoided a quarter of the pain I endured if I'd just not hated myself so fucking bad.
So there I was, moved back into my childhood home with my sorta toxic family, no job, no prospects on the horizon. Everything I told myself I'd end up being because I fulfilled my own prophecy in an attempt to be someone I didn't even think I deserved to be. And I couldn't change the economy, and I couldn't change the past. But I could change me. I could appreciate what I still had left after spiraling, and appreciate the chance to grow again in the future. Started a Substack, got a hobby, learned to enjoy reading books again, etc.
So it's gonna take a lot of unflinching introspection, maybe Journaling if you're into that, and learning what your bad coping methods are so you can slowly change it . . . But it can be done. You just gotta change one little habit st a time. And it might take longer than you want, but it'll feel better when you do.
Dec 3, 2024
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I’ve been thinking about this a lot regarding my plan to purge/organize my home, because the way I used to do projects like this just doesn’t work anymore. I can no longer wait until I have the energy, then do as much as I can in one go. I do not have the gift of uninterrupted time anymore. Instead, I’ve had to adjust to a more slow and steady way of working. I choose *one* space to work on each day. Often times it ends up being one drawer, or corner, or step in the process.
Logically this is great and the best way to meet my goals. Mentally/emotionally I kid of hate it because it’s not how I’ve worked for my entire life. I have big ideas and want to do them right now!!!! But, when is growth or change ever without a bit of uncomfortability or pain?
So, I am actively changing my mindset. I speak positively to myself about the one small thing I did that day. I share that one small thing with my husband and friends. Because in actuality if it was so easy for me to do, I would’ve done it before. So my effort deserves some recognition!! Positive reinforcement, even when it’s to our own selves, can carry us a long way 🫶
Jan 13, 2025
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been having a lot of conversations with friends and family about people feeling stuck - stuck in the first job they got out of undergrad, stuck in an industry they don't care for, stuck in a place they don't feel connected to, stuck with a story they inherited not one they wrote for themselves. our society imposes on us the damaging narrative that we have until age 18 to choose the way in which we will be a productive member of society, and then until age 22 to acquire the skillset to do so, then we must contribute in that way until retirement. finding yourself having followed this path but feeling disconnected to your core values/desires/goals is not uncommon. this was me when i was 23, and to a lesser extent i am finding myself in a similar situation now as a recent 26 year old. you are not alone. here's my advice:
find what motivates you, and pursue it with abandon. obviously there are economic realities that make this movment difficult, and this is by design. needing to work for survival keeps us fitting neatly into the roles we've been assigned and makes breaking this mold difficult. this system robs us of our time and energy that we could otherwise apply towards self-actualization. this (combined with the narrative that diverging from a singular career focus will stunt your progress and hinder your sucess) keeps us frozen in a mindset of scarcity and immobility. you have more agency than you realize, though, and your only compass should be that which makes you flourish as an individual.
reject consistancy, humans are too complex to be burdened with the obligation to be stagnant. we are told that we have core competencies that make us assets in one specific capacity. this is an economic reality, not a human one. in truth, humans are more capable and dynamic than we know. that which you apply towards one field can just as easily be applied to another, and your "career" can look like making use of your knowledge and skill across many fields and roles and places. don't feel obligated to limit yourself to one narrow path. edify yourself by allowing your compass to guide you along a broad and diverse path.
lastly, reject narratives that are not true to your experience. during this period of regaining your agency and taking control of your own direction in life, you will be met with the well-meaning voices of those who have internalized the narratives of our culture, and they will weaponize this against you. they will tell you to fall back in line, to not seek out that which you know to be good for you. do not fall into weariness. you owe it to yourself to find flourishing where you can, and to follow the moving target that will lead you there.
what you are doing is brave, and authentic to your true self. answer to no other voice but your own. the corporate climate is so entrenched in the ways of our world and it is starting to reveal itself as a system which does not serve us as individuals. to a certain extent this is out of our control, but in realizing this you can also become more in tune with that which you can control in and of yourself. best of luck friend.
Aug 5, 2024
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This has become the norm and every day I grow more disturbed. I understand if somebody is behaving in a harmful way, that is good to document and put out there. But as a whole, it seems, we have become so comfortable with recording people just living their lives. I saw a video of a guy working and the caption of the video was that he was so hot, we needed to find him!!! Why are you providing the Internet with his face and location instead of just going up to talk to him? I saw another of two people on the subway, seemingly a couple, having a very emotional moment. How would you feel if you open up an app and saw a video like that of yourself? I don’t like this level of sibling society surveillance. Why are you videoing an elderly person with sad music dubbed over it to gain likes? It is WEIRD. Don’t even get me started on videos of children. It is WEIRD to use a stranger without their consent to get some kind of fake validation. Get a life.
I don’t mean to come on here and share something so negative, I just don’t have anywhere else to put it and it’s gnawing at me.
Oct 7, 2024
Feb 23, 2025
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It’s to keep us humble otherwise we’d be TOO hot/sexy/cool
Jul 3, 2024