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Got some news yesterday about someone I love
Suddenly a lot of things mattered less
Some wishy washy desires became goals
For a little while I had X-ray vision
The world sped up and slowed down at the same time
â I didnât like the news but Iâm glad I know it, because it was already a thing, so better to know
All at once without warning Iâm living on a different planet: it is barren, hostile, rocky, and dry
But I know there are treasures here. Iâm going to find them.
Dec 22, 2024
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I left for a while to go on a study abroad experience. The more time passes after The Thing, the less life makes sense. I'm trying to get back to the people I used to know, to get back into the routine I had, the things I used to think.
But somehow EVERYTHING about and around me is different and I don't understand ANYTHING. My body is different, my time isn't the same and somehow even my thought process has changed.
I came back home expecting familiarity and warmth, and surprise, the world has obviously moved on (as I did) and nothing is the same, except all that is. Maybe not understanding everything I thought I had already integrated is part of growing up, I feel as if I'm shedding old skin to make room for new one, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm scared, confused, and generally don't really get the concept of time passing.
I never used to get when people said they wanted the world to stop for a second, because that wasn't me, I wanted more, faster, more, all of it. Now I get it. Let me lay here for a moment and not think about anything.
âlookaliveodette!!!!!!â
Feb 26, 2025
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working from what may seem like very surface level cliches but stay w me here
((tldr: why not just believe that its all working out for the better, even if thats not what you planned? also, empathy and objectivity are a solid duo that id like to see in combination more frequently.))
putting this at the top because this is a dissertation, at best; psychosis, at the other end of the pendulum.
sooooooo the fact that u have no control over life liek At All. has been a consistently terrifying concept for FOREVER as a shorty who is Clinically a control freak, but realizing that the unpredictable essence that makes all of this shit unnerving is the very thing that can take the weight of life off of your shoulders has been pretty revolutionary.
im still digesting/integrating it one bite at a time, for sure, so call me a hypocrite ESPECIALLY if you know me personally. when in clarity, though, its been so pleasant to realize that since Nothing truly matters that much since nothing is set in stone anyway- w regard to action, approach, fulfilling temporary expectations of yourself, whether or not you reach short term goals, etc.- living life completely and utterly for yourself and whatever that means to you at any given moment will likely ultimately be the plan that brings you most fulfillment, when all is said and done.
whether that means taking the risk and changing your major, taking that freaky elective bc it sounds cool, moving in w some randos in a townhouse, quitting your job and starting something new- maybe it winds up being an epic fail, who knows? as long as youre setting goals that align with an ultimate sense of who you are and what youre looking to get out of life, which i presume can be solidified further by pursuing said experiences just for the sake of it? right? helps u figure out what u actually want? and as long as you keep bareback essential priorities straight (financial and emotional stability come to mind), then theres no reason for impermanence to work against you.
this also counts for people, as well. i feel like we hold others to critical standards, as we should, but contemporarily tend to neglect the fact that people DO change. morals/how you view the world are impacted by experience, and we are all fruits of very very different trees. completely dependent on circumstance, of course, empathy/understanding/consequential second chances are side-swept under the premise of respect/accountability. accountability is CRUCIAL, but i feel like so many of us (myself included) take that to heart and forget that figuring out how someone got to some place is a key aspect of understanding whether or not their position was truly from a place of lack of respect? if that makes any sense??
i also have been thinking about this a lot: my best friend throughout middle school and i fell out the summer before sophomore year overâŠnothing? idk, 3 years of seeing each other every single day (neighbors) to no contact until senior of high school- still werenât talking regularly or anything though.
2 years ago, she turned 20. i posted an old photo of us because, despite everything, 20âs a big one.
this year, weâve spent late nights on facetime, drove to watch the sunrise after hours of catching up on god knows what on the hill where we would listen to music while her mom cooked dinner, and sheâs been my go to for any necessary bitching/ranting during whats been the worst year my mental health has ever seen??
time is your friend, if you let it be. connections arent a race in any dynamic, and itâs never over if itâs truly meant to happen.
let life change. i think.
Dec 5, 2024
Itâs short enough, so let me try dropping the text here. Follow the link for an accompanying demo, the 59th unreleased song Iâve shared this year on my Substack newsletter, âorganizing an accidentâ.
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Wanting to be something youâre not is a form of suffering.
If we accept this as true, then life itself, as the Buddhists say, is suffering. This line of thinking has always resonated with me. It also immediately strikes up the beatnik whoâs squatting in my soul, saying things like: âHey baby, if this is wrong, than I donât wanna feel right.â
Itâs through our suffering, our yearning, our active participation in it allâthat we can pass from that which we âwere notâ to that which we âareâ now. Sometimes, this process is experimentally prodded and analyzed, with each shifting atom felt and celebrated. Other times, probably more often than not, we find ourselves abruptly at our unannounced point of arrival where we either stick out our thumbs and hail a ride back or get on with it, find some comfortable ground, and pitch a tent.
Where do we go from here?
The human condition is anything but permanent. Any semblance of permanence in our lives should be treated with utmost suspicion. From one second to the next within the microcosm, despite any recognizable turbulence, you and I and the world in which we inhabit are constantly transforming anew.
Resistance is futile.
Thus, we embrace change. Personally, I love change. I love big change, and I love it incrementally too. Whether it's discovering an entirely new country, writing a piece of music, choosing an unexplored route on a daily commute, or, yes, even the few gray hairs that have appeared on my head this year. It is in our nature, but due to a variety of obstacles and circumstances, some will always opt for or falter to a reality closer to a reenactment of The Sims, continuously walking into walls.
It is also in our nature to build bridges we'll later bomb, create moral and aesthetic standards we'll never exemplify, and partake in all manner of acts of self-sabotage. This could lead one to move cautiously through the world or worse, adopt a nihilistic posture towards it. The only greater tragedy than a person beaming with potential but paralyzed by fear is one motivated by cynicism.
Feb 22, 2024
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this is worthy of celebration:Â the lack of videoâautoplay video, noisy inane video, panicky video, algorithmic, dumb video, rabbit hole video, any videoâon pi.fyi is a good thing
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this is going to hurt â A LOT â but it's getting to the point where there's no other option
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one of my 2025 habit goals
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