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~on waiting~

--from my latest substack post-- ordering coffee, again. i’ll grab this one. of course; it’s no problem. oat? soy? neither? okay, no milk, right. it’s a thursday, you don’t put milk in your coffee on thursdays, i remember. you told me that last autumn for the first time. at the shop on the corner of streets running north and south and east and west the location as ambiguous as you were to me. i held onto your words like candlelight, which is to mean, i felt myself grasping at the wick of your thoughts as they released. hold onto it slowly, i did, each tendril of smoke had meaning, for you have never said things that did not matter. i’ve always held the space to gather up all your meaning, to keep attempting to collect the strands of everything that encapsulates you. the long strings of yarn strung together in loose cadence; but i can keep the rhythm, and i can keep the pace, and i can hold the room for all of it, i’ll hold the threads in my palm and i’ll grasp it with certainty. because it is without effort, there is no weight, or burden, or distraught, to be the one to hold that which you carry; it is not beyond my strength to hold all of you. for to love was to bear it all, or at least that’s what i read, but isn’t that how it feels? to be seen, to be understood, is to recognize that any quirk fear inability lack thereof is not a withholding nor weakness nor failing it is the space between us the location in the strings where we meet in the middle the threaded spiderweb of life has bound us this way no, not doomed; no, not ill-fated. for you are the red string connected to my wrist the one that has lead me to you the universal pull to unravel the thread so that i may reach you even though you exist outside of my grasp as i see it now all i ever needed was your hand pressed against mine i want to feel myself expanding and compressing underneath the weight of your eyes soft winding and slow crackling do we fall deeper the string twisting and tying and threading and then loosening unraveling the yarn crocheted and knitted do we find ourself loose ends and damaged strands have we come together to make whole the both of us i’ll order the same coffee every thursday i’ll walk you home from the station i’ll make the pasta that way you like it and i’ll keep writing these letters so that one day you’ll read them i’ll press them with the flowers of your tomorrow scented with the bloom of longing sealed with the certainty of promise the promise that i’ll keep collecting and saving the things you’d like the letters the movies the albums the trinkets the odds the ends the things yet to be discovered and the things you’ll have to show me i’m just a scrapbook of all the things i’ve loved before a capsule of intricacy i’ll keep the light on outside i’ll wait on the porch i’ll keep the fire warm i’ll know when you’re here and you’ll know it’s me for the strings will connect, the yarn unraveled, the lines no longer crossing but joining. and if it’s a thursday, a plain coffee, no milk just so there isn’t any lack of a sign. #poetry #letters #substack

@bills

Dec 5, 2024

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All of the ”love you”s

In my most vulnerable moments (intoxicated, 3am, on an airplane, etc.), I remember all of my “love you”s; each person I’ve held tenderly in my heart and body; each friend I’ve shared late nights and soul secrets with. Do they know that they still hold a piece of me, that I still hold a piece of them? Do they know that the hum of a song, or the smell of backwoods, or the words on a page conjure their being in my mind? Do they know how often I think of them, how often I jog my mind back a few months or years to our casual and frequent visits? Our traditions? What comes of these faded soul ties; do I fumble with the frays and let go? Do I memorialize them in some kind of journal, a photo, an occasional phone call? How do I say goodbye to all of my ”love you”s?

@sunsplash

Jan 4, 2025

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i carry your heart with me - e.e. cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)                                   i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

@riotgrrrl

Jul 1, 2024

Top Recs from @stellarred

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picture of dorian gray

how i managed to avoid spoilers for a book that's been talked about for like 130ish years i don't know?? but it made the book so enjoyable cus some of those plot twists left me shocked holy shit

@stellarred

Dec 21, 2024

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so like what if i shared a notes app poem here?

My hair settled much like goose feathers this morning And I ruffled my slick hair, waded into the bath To tilt my swan neck back Letting the faucet graze my shoulder

@stellarred

Dec 21, 2024

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chopped after hours

it's the tv show chopped, but the judges do challenges while drinking wine and being goofy it's just pros fucking around with each other but still making amazing dishes it's hilarious

@stellarred

Dec 24, 2024