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TW: weight n overeating mentions
Sorry everyone!! I guess I am on a streak of being a debbie downer rn. It just kind of feels like the walls are caving in on me but doesn't everyone feel like that????? I am just feeling super crazy and over-reactive recently. Here is the run down of my situation right now: I am nineteen years old, currently on winter break for community college, I live with family, I'm still working on my license. I just have feel so trapped recently, most likely because I don't have my license (fml). I haven't seen most of my friends in a month (which feels very weird, not blaming anyone for this. people get busy & tired, I understand.)
Living with family sucks! but it's weird, my parents support me financially and i know they care for me but I think I am just too emotional for the people I live with. I kind of learned to not really speak about emotional matters, not in like a, my parents were abusive kind of way, but I could just tell that wasn't really what my parents were there for. I sought out emotional connections with friends and stuff but I have been kind of going through a weird period right now where I am trying to not rely on them so much and regulate by myself i guess? idk.
ANYWAYS, LETS GET DOWN TO THE NITTY GRITTY! What is the reasoning of my crashout? wellllll, my mother has been becoming increasingly critical of my looks again. I've always had a skin-picking and overeating problem. The result of this? so. many. facial scars. and also being extremely overweight for how ever long I could remember. (from the handful of times I've been to therapy, I was told these are probably compulsions to sooth anxiety? idk. I need to go to more sessions). Over the years, I have learned to accept myself and how I look. Through this acceptance, I have also been working on these issues. Unfortunately, my mom hasn't accepted this part of me. My mom and I have been spending a loootttttt of time together recently because she's teaching me how to drive and I have just been home alone with her more. I've come to a realization that looks mean a lot to her, (it's not her fault honestly, Filipino beauty standards are unfortunately super brutal).
So, throughout my life, shes always had me drinking weird supplements and trying different gimicky products to either lighten my skin or have me shed a couple pounds, surprisingly, none of them ever worked! We've had our fair share of fights about my appearances and whatnot, it stopped affecting me. Buttt, like I said before, I'm in this weird period of my life right now where I am trying to heal and whatever and be at least a little self sufficient (this is every nineteen year old girl of me, I know). So I'm doing my skincare daily now, trying to eat my fruits and veggies, do chores, move my body, the whole shebang if you will. but old habits die hard, and from time to time I'm caught picking at my skin, or holy shit why am i changing what i eat???? and yeah. Family is nice till they tease you about how you're trying to change for good and for some reason it is FUCKING EMBARRASSING! My mom asked me when I was gonna lose weight the other day. It was so random and out of the blue that it caught me completely off guard and really fucking got to me. After she said that I got quiet, and she said "It's okay. I don't care anyways." But like why the fuck would you say that??? She knows I've had a past with my weight and my eating habits. Like why the fuck would you say that to me?? I cried for hours that night. I even cried about it the days after. Then today, I was out with my sister and we were getting takeout for dinner tonight, I called my mom to see what she wanted, she told me what she wanted but she doesn't know the name of it so i got her a completely different thing. and she was like "i'll just cook something its okay. you'll eat it later" and I told her no, I just ate dinner I am not eating anything else tonight, and she just went "Ohh really? Ok good. You're trying to get skinny. That's good." GOD. FUCKING. DAMN IT!!!! My sister tried to tell her off "Mommmm, don't say that." but she just kept going, "What? Why not? How is that bad. Why is it bad she's trying to lose weight." I kind of shut down and started putting stuff away. I threw out the trash and just couldn't stop crying outside so I just stormed off into my room because the waterworks were unfortunately starting for the night. It was made worse by the fact that I could hear her talking to my sister about me. I know it's for the better that I am not so emotionally cold anymore but god, I just wish I could tough out the comments still.
But that's the end of this post, I'll post something less edgy and less sad soon I promise!!!!!
Jan 9, 2025
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your hair falls out. your teeth get yellow and fucked up. your nails weaken and get ugly. you get super cold all the time. your energy gets so low that everyday tasks become extremely difficult.
and you gain all the weight back anyway and then it's ten times harder to lose because you fucked over your metabolism or you die.
i'm speaking from experience. i have starved and i have done crazy shit and i always just gained all of it back. and when i was starving i was so miserable and it just doesn't work long term.
that is harsh but the truth. i'm not going to tell you to not care about the way you look. because everyone cares about that. but the number on the scale is literally irrelevant. you can have two ppl w the exact same weight that look completely different. you yourself can be the same exact weight at different times and look totally different due to muscle/fat ratio. since you say you've let go of the emotional i'm going to keep this advice strictly logical.
when you starve yourself, you trick your body into thinking its in survival mode and then it holds onto fat and lowers your metabolism. you get pushed in a cyclical nature of losing weight and gaining it all back and it gets harder and harder. it doesn't work, has never worked, and just makes you ugly and sad.
the only way to lose weight and keep it off is to stop being scared of calories and instead eat the right ones and the right amount. if you want to fix your metabolism you have to understand calories as a fuel source not as something to be deducted. calories are simply energy. in order to limit your hunger and build muscle, you need enough energy from the right sources.
you need a good combination of protein, fiber, and carbs. you don't need to be perfect lol like i personally dont measure shit bc it's overwhelming and too much work, so just prioritize protein and try to fit in fiber and carbs here and there.
the reason i say to prioritize protein is because that's what builds muscle. building muscle is important even if you don't care about working out because muscle burns fat. when you have more muscle, your metabolism increases and you can eat more because the muscle literally burns the fat and needs more energy (calories).
fiber is important for many health reasons: cholesterol, heart health, bowel movements etc. but since you're still in an ED mindset, the biggest thing for you is that it keeps you full. foods that are high in fiber keep you full for a very very long time. so you can stay in a reasonable caloric deficit without feeling extremely hungry.
carbs. carbs are not your enemy at all. carbs are the body's main fuel source. they give you quick ready to use energy. it also prevents the proteins in your body from being used for energy. so when the body is looking for energy, instead of breaking down the proteins that you want to keep to build muscle the body will use the carbs instead. energy is important because it's what you can use to exercise and live your life.
so, prioritize protein and have a mix of the other two. i think calorie counting can be very triggering and it's easy to get really restrictive with it. so what i did was i had a protein goal (calculated based off my weight) and a fiber goal. i also drink a lot of water and just tried to eat smaller portions. my main issue was i hate food waste and feel a lot of guilt about it. so it's better for me to just start with a smaller plate and add more if im hungry.
speaking of hunger, this next step is essential.
listen to your hunger. do NOT ignore it. if you are hungry, eat. if you are not, don't.
that was the hardest thing for me to do because i always took being hungry as a sign of being skinny. but it completely fucked up my hunger signals and made everything way more difficult. when you are hungry, eat something but just be intentional about what you eat. eat something high in fiber or high in protein. it will tell your body that you aren't in starvation mode and that it is okay to let go of fat. protein bars, yogurts, and fruits are amazing for this. if you continue to not eat when you're hungry then you're fucked. you also don't want to over eat. sometimes when i was stressed or bored, i knew i wasn't hungry but i ate anyway and just made sure to eat something super low calorie. thats a Mistake. because now my body thinks i needed more food and is going to adjust accordingly.
so please, this is the way to healing your relationship with food and understanding that you aren't fighting against your body you need to work WITH it.
next essential step: trust the process.
you have to learn patience and find love in discipline. if you eat the right kinds of foods, listen to your hunger and move your body regularly (literally just walking is so good for weight loss) you Will lose weight. there is so much love in taking care of yourself. there is so much warmth in the discipline of deciding to be good to yourself. you have to get used to slow results because you need to fall in love with the process in order to keep it sustainable.
fall in love with the process and the results will come.
please trust that. it's what changed my life and how i lost 15 pounds and kept it off after 4 years of back and forth disordered eating losing weight and gaining it back.
you also need to remember that your body's purpose isn't to fit a specific standard it's to literally keep you alive. your body is doing it's best every day to keep you alive. once you understand that and feel true gratitude for that, you will really love the process of working with your body.
i have lots of emotional advice i can give but the main logical takeaways:
- starving doesnt work
- stop being scared of calories
- protein, fiber, carbs
- listen to your hunger cues
- trust the process
- patience and love is everything.
specifics:
proteins: meats, tofu, eggs, greek yogurt, lentils, almonds, cottage cheese, black beans, broccoli, cauliflower
fiber: avocado, oats, raspberries, artichoke, pears, apples, strawberries, kiwis etc. othe grains too
carbs: bread, pasta, rice, lentils, chickpeas, etc.
let me know if you have any specific questions. sending you all my love, i know this is a difficult thing to get through.
sending you love and care and patience and strength 💓
Jul 11, 2024
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but I fear that maybe you should not be trying to lose weight as a goal itself. Maybe you could shift your goal instead to something achievable and concrete that will help set healthy habits but won’t leave you dwelling on your weight? I like trying to be strong enough to do a thing I presently cannot do. (I can do push ups now, baybeee!!)
I have been working on healing my relationship to food and my body for over 10 years now and I still cannot healthily set a weight loss goal. My strategy is to literally never think about my weight, eat whatever I want, move my body every day, and cook at home often. I’m stronger, happier, and healthier than I have ever been in my life and all I have sacrificed is a little negative self talk (n I don’t miss her at all).
Godspeed, good luck, wishing you health and happiness and wholeness !!!
Jul 10, 2024
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I HAVE NOT ACCOMPLISHED THIS BUT IT IS CERTAINLY SOMETHING I AM MEGA INTO THESE DAYS. REHAB-ESQ MENTALITY AND ALL THAT. ACTUAL REHAB SUCKED BEYONDDDDDD AND I HAD TO DROP OUT BUT I'M MAKING PROGRESS! I DONT HAVE ANYTHING PROFOUND TO SAY BUT I REALLY ENCOURAGE EVERYONE TO JUST EMBRACE LE PROCESS AND STOP DRIVING THEMSELVES INSANE. IM SORRY TO DISAPPOINT THE ED GIRLS ONLINE WHO LOVE MY PROANNA PHOTOS AND I DONT MIND IF THEY STILL USE THEM BUT IM O.V.E.R. IT! YEARS OF ANOREXIA HAS DESTROYED MY BOOBS AND BULIMIA HAS REALLY TRIED TO RUIN MY EFFING LIFE. BULIMIA HAD ME LIVING LIKE HOWARD HUGHES AT THE END OF HIS LIFE MINUS THE MORMON BUTLERS.
Feb 8, 2023
Top Recs from @souponaroof
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AYEEEEE… i heard about this app on a random reel on instagram, i know absolutely nobody who uses this app but i feel like it’s more productive for me than my traditional doomscrolling..
here are some finds from this app already:
i saw a review for june henry’s new album “infinite money glitch” on this app last night and it’s pretty fire. im thinking of preordering the CD as a little treat for myself to start building up my collection of physical media
i also saw someone say they started recording themselves talking and then they watch it back the next day. i think this may be the next move for me it seems like a good way to get a better understanding of who i am.
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i’ve been watching a lot more movies recently and spending a loooootttt of time alone. the next semester is going to start soon so i can’t wait for what that brings me. heres to a new year and hopefully to a new better me. till next time 👋
Jan 8, 2025
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I’m just sitting here with 11 days left of winter break with nothing i wanted to accomplish done… it’s okay.. next time am i right??
Jan 11, 2025
its gold in your mouth, what u say about me 😣 and there’s gold in my mouth, we make magic!!!!!!!
Jan 8, 2025