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looked through some old cards to find my mom had wrote this on my 20th birthday card. it’s beautiful and i really needed to hear it right now. missing her.
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my mom passed away last year, and today would have been her 54th birthday
so, i grabbed ice cream and i took it to the river. my mom and i used to get ice cream and eat it by the river a lot. my mom loved ice cream. chocolate ice cream. and she loved rivers. i also love rivers. they remind me of my mom.
grieving is hard. and it’s hard every single day. but taking moments like this — to do things that my mom and i loved to do together — reminds me of how grief is just love with nowhere to go.
today i’m basking in the love that my mom had for me, the love she had for ice cream, for rivers. and i’m sitting in how much i love her. a love that feels trapped inside me. buried. most days it feels like anger and despair and regret. but today i’m focusing on the love. how lucky i was to have a mom who made loving her so easy!
happy birthday, mom. i love you immensely
Feb 7, 2025
the other day i went out to an unfinished nuclear plant with some old highschool friends. we cut a hole in the fence and ran to one of the massive, truly massive cooling towers. it was terrifyingly big, like really, seriously, huge. it was my third time there and definitely had not lost any of its effect on me. the four of us stood underneath it for a good forty minutes. looking up through the top to see the last touch of sunset resting on the rim, and later planets. we stood there for long stretches of silence until someone would shift their weight and the crunch of a couple pebbles underfoot would echo so loud and clear we could all hear it.
we sang there in the echo beneath the tower until it was totally dark.
later, in the front seat of my best friend‘s car as we played american football i cried. i don’t think anyone noticed, i think they were busy with whatever they were thinking about. i cried because of how long i had gone wanting this feeling. that i hadn’t seen these old friends in months and had been struggling to meet anyone i felt could be the kind of people i wanted to really love like i did my friends from highschool.
i want people to love so badly, to go to a sketchy abandoned nuclear plant and watch the sunset and sing together. we forget how long it takes to make friends like that i guess. it’s only been one semester, and i shouldn‘t let that be me down.
i love you all so much :)
Jan 29, 2025
I didn’t expect myself to cry again for you. I recently received a blouse in the mail (you would love it) and it perfectly showcases one of your designs that often gets hidden by my clothing. Someone complimented the tattoo this day and once again I had the opportunity to say “My friend Catelynn…”. I speak of you only with highest regards and gentleness, trying to mimic the way your love bled into all you did. You are deeply missed.
Feb 20, 2025
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makes my heart warm when i hang out with people who can RIFF with me THANK YOU
4d ago
my mom passed away last year, and today would have been her 54th birthday
so, i grabbed ice cream and i took it to the river. my mom and i used to get ice cream and eat it by the river a lot. my mom loved ice cream. chocolate ice cream. and she loved rivers. i also love rivers. they remind me of my mom.
grieving is hard. and it’s hard every single day. but taking moments like this — to do things that my mom and i loved to do together — reminds me of how grief is just love with nowhere to go.
today i’m basking in the love that my mom had for me, the love she had for ice cream, for rivers. and i’m sitting in how much i love her. a love that feels trapped inside me. buried. most days it feels like anger and despair and regret. but today i’m focusing on the love. how lucky i was to have a mom who made loving her so easy!
happy birthday, mom. i love you immensely
Feb 7, 2025