šÆļø
This is a little long winded and personal. Please forgive me.
It's been exactly one year since my great aunt passed away - she was a pillar of the family, a very intelligent and witty woman whom we all loved. She used to cut out stories from the newspaper/ magazines and mail them to me while I lived away, and she had the most incredible handwriting Iāve ever seen. She was, to use one of her favorite things to call me, a āreal mensch.ā
Less than 48 hours after that, I got broken up with. We had been dating for almost two years. It was the healthiest relationship I had ever been in. Yet, we were laying in my teenage bedroom at my parents house, and she was crying. All I remember is thinking to myself āFIGHT for her you DUMB MOTHERFUCKER, you CANāT lose another womanā - but I didnāt. I was scared. And just like that, the best year of my life came crashing down in spectacular fashion.
Two extremely hard hits at once.
I had to keep moving forward. I didnāt see any alternative. And as a result, I sank into what I can only describe as my own death spiral. Lots of cigs, lots of booze, lots of work, all to drown out the voices in my head telling me āmaybe this isnāt a good idea.ā
I didnāt allow myself to MOURN then. To feel sad, to feel loss, and to work it out constructively and communally. Now, a year later, Iām finally allowing myself to feel those emotions about both of those things. Finally crawling out of that death spiral. Mourning isnāt weakness, nor is grief.
Justā¦if you havenāt properly mourned something, anything, I recommend allowing yourself to. Keeping something like that inside, no matter how compartmentalized it may be, is a bad idea.
5d ago
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Sometimes it just pops out of nowhere, sometimes itās just a passing memory and sometimes out of the blue I feel the weight of what happened. I had a best friend, a person with which I connected in a way I never did with anyone. She moved out of the city and with that she stopped any communication with me. I miss her. I miss her so much. I feel like I must have fucked up big time for this to be happening. In our last call I told her I was worried we would lose contact with the distance and she told me it would never happen. I believed her. Itās a weird sadness; most of the time I can see clearly that more than try to text her I cannot do much and Iām angry or confused about the situation but it passes, I go by my day. But sometimes this wave of sadness arrives and I remember how she made me laugh, how she looked at me, the day we actually talked like friends for the first time and then it hits me that we might have spoken for the last time. how could that be? I still believe her. One day sheāll call me and my memories of today will fade and get replaced by others of us together.
I should have called her more, told her more times how I loved her, how she was beautiful, we should have gone to more concerts together, we should have said yes to that dude who wanted to interview us for a tiktok. We should have when there still was a we.
One day talking about relationships, I mentioned how incapable I am at letting go and how sometimes I start to resent the person I canāt let go for the things we do to each other. So maybe itās all for the best, maybe Iām being spared, maybe it will save our memories from being tainted, maybe thatās all the time meant for us. I donāt know but I wish I did.
Jan 18, 2025
It's been a week since my brother Jacob passed. He was the last person I expected to goāan extremely active cyclist, hiker, and traveler. We still don't know what exactly happened, but in a matter of only half an hour he went from making his breakfast to his heart stoping.
So many of his traits I admired so much felt like things I lacked; he was disciplined, reliable, and energetic. He traveled the world and made friends across the whole globe, it seems. He was always adept at math, a subject I always struggled with.
He was only 18 months my junior. I literally can't remember my life without Jacob in it. At some points in our childhood he felt like my shadow. Since we were homeschooled during the early years of my life we spent so much time together. I took that for granted, but now I'm so grateful for all the hours of fort building, hole digging, camping, biking, basketball, getting destroyed by him playing NBA Live and womping on him in Mortal Kombat.
I really regret simply assuming he knew how much I loved him. We were brothers. We fought, argued, and teased each-other. He was such an appendage to my day-to-day that I didn't ever stop to tell him how dear he was to me, how proud I was of all he'd done, how grateful I was for all he contributed around the house and with the family, and how jealous I was of his fearlessness with change and travel.
People ask how I'm holding up, and it's hard to answer becauseāall things consideredā I am doing alright. The hardest times are when my brain and nervous system still haven't realized he's gone: hearing the creak of a door and expecting him to walk in after a bike rideāhis cycling shoes clinking on the tile; learning some soccer news and wanting to text him about it; feeling eager to get his feedback on something I cooked.
But the most difficult thing has been encountering the pity and sorrow people have shown toward me, because that somehow reveals the scope of the loss and the depth to which folks cared about him and care about me. Knowing we share some impacts of this loss breaks my heart. I so deeply appreciate all the offers of help and reaching out, and yet I have nothing to offer. I have nothing for which to ask. My brain just short-circuits.
Perhaps the best thing you can do for me is to let your loved ones know how you feel. Find one person you have maybe taken for granted and share your love clearly so that they truly know how much you treasure them because they won't always be around.
May 6, 2024
ā¤ļø
the other day, someone who is a few years younger than me told me that they look up to me.
they casually mentioned it in conversation.
and i started to cry.
for the past few months i have been consumed by grief in a way that has forced me to lose much of myself, and iāve been working really hard to find who i am again. or at least the me that i can be now. i feel like an absolute wreck, a crash out, a mid-life crisis divorced father stuck in a 23 year old girls body.
it was nice to be reminded that all of that is just about being human. that it doesnāt define me. i am only evolving.
i like that others can still see greatness in you even when you donāt feel it yourself.
Feb 24, 2025
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A website with a collection of screengrabs from nearly every movie you could think of, and you can sort by film title, director, cinematographer, year, genre, country, etc. Great for visual references for lookbooks, or just to discover a new film you might be interested in seeing!
I've attached one of my favorite stills, a great moment from Chungking Express (Dir. Wong Kar-Wai, 1994).
Dec 30, 2024
Just going out and picking up any kind of used physical media (books, CDs, DVDs, cassette tapes) makes the archivist in me happy, like Iām preserving somebody elseās story/ enjoyment of something
My personal favorite thing is VHS tapes, Iāve got a decent collection (all thrifted) and theyāre usually the cheapest things offered
Jan 3, 2025
At my local indie cinema for a projection of the new Nosferatu, infinitely grateful I have a place like this I can go to see new stuff and incredible programming!
Dec 25, 2024