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most days it’s fine but then I listen to ‘between the bars’ by Elliot Smith and it takes me back to last year when I still had them. Even when my heart yearns for the familiarity of our old bond I know we’ll never laugh like we used to do. What a pity is to be a human and to know someone for so long and then be strangers.
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Sometimes it just pops out of nowhere, sometimes it’s just a passing memory and sometimes out of the blue I feel the weight of what happened. I had a best friend, a person with which I connected in a way I never did with anyone. She moved out of the city and with that she stopped any communication with me. I miss her. I miss her so much. I feel like I must have fucked up big time for this to be happening. In our last call I told her I was worried we would lose contact with the distance and she told me it would never happen. I believed her. It’s a weird sadness; most of the time I can see clearly that more than try to text her I cannot do much and I’m angry or confused about the situation but it passes, I go by my day. But sometimes this wave of sadness arrives and I remember how she made me laugh, how she looked at me, the day we actually talked like friends for the first time and then it hits me that we might have spoken for the last time. how could that be? I still believe her. One day she’ll call me and my memories of today will fade and get replaced by others of us together.
I should have called her more, told her more times how I loved her, how she was beautiful, we should have gone to more concerts together, we should have said yes to that dude who wanted to interview us for a tiktok. We should have when there still was a we.
One day talking about relationships, I mentioned how incapable I am at letting go and how sometimes I start to resent the person I can’t let go for the things we do to each other. So maybe it’s all for the best, maybe I’m being spared, maybe it will save our memories from being tainted, maybe that‘s all the time meant for us. I don’t know but I wish I did.
Jan 18, 2025
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it's good to miss people. the ones i never said i loved enough, but they knew, the people i couldn't save, didn't get close enough to, got too close to, my high school academic team coach, those who raised me. i dont really think about the people ive lost until im alone because im supposed to appreciate what i do have, love my friends who are alive, not bring down the mood by bringing up their dead parents, but luckily sometimes before bed those people still pay me a visit, say hi, they're keeping an eye on me, telling me not to join them just yet
Feb 20, 2025
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Thinkin about Francesca’s backyard and how the trees would dance around our morning coffee and smoke and she would close her eyes. She was so beautiful man and I miss her like hell
Feeling like I got a big broken heart and i don’t got it in me to carry it around today
And the air being gentle and warm like it’s been reminds me of driving to his house with the windows all down, that perfect blue pouring in . How he would run out to my car and pull me out of my seat.
do you guys remember that meme of the kid screaming crying and going EMMA I FUCKING MISS YKU SO MUCH lollll im feeling that kid today that guy knew what the fuck was up. No matter how much time passes I can’t shake the feeling . I know it was a privilege to love these people at all and I have much gratitude to whatever merciless yet loving being we got overseeing business up there but it does terrify me to think that the people I felt the most seen by and felt safest with can just come go .
May 1, 2024
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5d ago
Outside the Internet most people haven’t seen or heard this movie so every time I say it’s one of my favourite movie from the past year people would just blink at me blankly. But I if you can please go watch this movie, it’s beautiful, it’s serene, it’s everything.
Mar 6, 2025