šŸŽµ
We have cared for our siblings and family, but when does the line in the sand begin to blur? I have grown into my 32 year old self quite well (with some scrapes, bruises and the occasional tantrum along the way) and as I form relationships I seem to hear the same phrase over and over, "oh, you're so maternal!" "you give off this motherly energy i feel so safe" it that pisses me off every time I know I am kind and patient and a good listener but that doesn't feel sexy, exciting, or mysterious; because I am those things as well. I find it to be a curse I canā€™t seem to break no matter the amount of tattoos, piercings and hair color changes I get. It's something in me I appreciate and something I canā€™t help but question if I would have developed naturally had I not had this role assigned at birth.Ā  The eldest daughters in a lot of POC households tend to end up in the role of mother and it comes so ā€œnaturallyā€ but how do we honor it and in that same breath not let it define us? Do I want to be a mother because of the responsibilities put upon me indoctrinated me into thinking I would be good at it (I absolutely would) ? Or can I live my days as a spinster, knowing that I would make an excellent mother, and that knowledge would be enough.
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i really also think about how much boys are taught ways to perform masculinity & how it is legitimised through tangible things like building a career etc but with women i find that from a young age our identity, behaviours, & thoughts are always spoken about in relation to other people/things ā€” gender roles within the family, how weā€™re perceived by men, our friendships with other women, our relationships with material things etc etc ā€” and this shows up in the labels that women are often given too! so and so is someoneā€™s daughter, girlfriend, wife, mother etc etc. i envy the freedom of boyhood so much, the freedom to just be (this is not to discount the toxicity of traditional masculinity, i just think that boys are still afforded more ā€œplayā€ and therefore have more opportunities to develop their sense of self). maybe i am also biased because of how iā€™ve grown up & whatnot but i never really understood what it meant to quote unquote be a woman or perform femininity. i only saw this modelled within my nurturing friendships with women as iā€™ve gotten older but when i was younger, in church it was always ā€œok well donā€™t do this or that because x y z will happen to men if you doā€ or within my extended family it was often ā€œare you seeing anyone? when are you having kidsā€. damn what happened to asking about how iā€™m doing or what my dreams are!!! long rant sorry !! but thatā€™s my long winded way of saying ā€œi feel youā€ haha
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and I feel lucky about that; it made me who I am today! But as an adult woman I can definitely relate and I imagine what it would be like to feel that sense of freedom from being perceived as a woman and the societal expectations that come with that. Sylvia Plath said it best in her journals: ā€œYes, my consuming desire is to mingle with road crews, sailors and soldiers, barroom regularsā€”to be a part of a scene, anonymous, listening, recordingā€”all this is spoiled by the fact that I am a girl, a female always supposedly in danger of assault and battery. My consuming interest in men and their lives is often misconstrued as a desire to seduce them, or as an invitation to intimacy. Yes, God, I want to talk to everybody as deeply as I can. I want to be able to sleep in an open field, to travel west, to walk freely at night...ā€ I do think though that itā€™s fruitless to fixate on these things, imagining the grass to be greener on the other side and essentially wishing you could have grown up and lived as another person, because 1 itā€™s not possible 2 the life you imagine has so many downsides to it too that you canā€™t even imagine not having experienced itself and 3 if you were a different person then the You you are now wouldnā€™t exist, and that would be a shame! I also think men are having a tough time now and many of them are probably just as neurotic, inhibited, and fearful as women. Obviously people are free to reject these notions and live life as whoever they want, and I respect and appreciate those who choose to do this, but Iā€™m not interested in doing that for myself. Instead, I challenge the boundaries of what it means to be a woman in the ways that I can, which feels like the right choice for me!
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