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ghosting in the way we discuss it in popular culture isnât real. people yak and yak about how you have to communicate if a fling isnât working for you or youâll hurt someoneâs feelings; well, not responding to a text is a form of communication, and hurting someoneâs feelings is just going to happen in dating. you donât owe your time and some lame explanation to someone youâre not in a relationship with when the chemistry isnât there.
i donât say that to be a cynic or one of these âyou are the only person in this world who actually mattersâ LA narcissists, but we are all way too beholden to each other and obsessed with being available to the point of self-harm.
when i am just starting to talk to someone and they apologize profusely for not texting back quickly, i feel really sad. why do we all feel like we have to be waiting by the phone, obligated to every person who wants to get a hold of us and shackled to responding like itâs a job? why is going to lunch with a friend and not looking at your phone suddenly something you need to apologize for? thatâs not real human connection - that is a new, sick expectation manifesting as guilt, based on accursed technology that allows us to constantly be in contact when we shouldnât be.
i hooked up with someone recently and went on one additional date, but we didnât really connect that much and there just wasnât chemistry between us, so the next time they texted asking about a date i didnât respond.
i was overcome with this weird shame afterward based on this arbitrary concept that has popped up in the cultural zeitgeist. i felt like i owed this person who i had very little chemistry with some kind of explanation of why i didnât think it would work out, and i felt like i was doing something wrong because i didnât want to talk to this person about something as basic as âthe vibe wasnât there.â
rejection hurts, and ghosting is a form of rejection. itâs also completely valid. nobody owes me an explanation if they donât feel like the date was good. nobody owes me constant communication. i am so tired of people feeling like they have to apologize for not being on their phone texting me back every second of the day. yeah, âghostingâ causes negative feelings. so does any form of rejection. you donât owe someone you werenât in a relationship with closure. not responding is the rejection and that is closure enough.
Jan 29, 2024
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i had to learn to let go of those exact questions as well.
although specific romantic situations weren't the main subject, therapy helped with reframing situations like this.
idk about you, but the why 'x' , should i 'y', how will i 'z' questions for me were often assuming some responsibility over what happened.
i think what i (and maybe you) needed to find out is why a fleeting connection upset me.
- did an interraction/ghosting make me feel insecure about my personality/looks?
- am i genuinely sad to be losing this person?
- am i missing the attention? (/did i think they were giving me something i can't [spoiler: you can] give myself?)
( +extra
why do i value their opinion [that i made up in my head because they never actually communicated it] of me more than my own?)
i believe most of these ghosting (-like) situations don't necessarily have as much depth. more than likely the ghoster hasn't made up an enormously morbid and horrendous picture of you in their head that made them uninterested.
i don't know if you met through a dating app but it's especially easy to lose connection on there.
there are some really cool and genuine people on there but very many humans like the rush of meeting someone new and once it's not giving them as much of the yummy brain chemicals they want the next thing. effort seems like a currency and unfortunately some run pretty low on those funds and periodicaly i do too (which is when i stop using the apps and save mine and others' time too).
and then of course there are personal reasons but anyway.
i try to look at brief connections like that as some warm up for someone really cool that's gonna come into my life and be grateful that it happened whatever way things turned out.
might be cool to write out some things that you are glad you experienced, things you learned about relationships and most importantly some things you learned about yourself!
i believe each person teaches something to you both about themselves and yourself, kinda like some sort of spiritual exchange
tldr:
- try not to assume responsibilty
- find out why it bothers you
- write down what you learned about yourself
Jul 21, 2024
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stranger in the library asking for a hug? pretend you're listening to music and walk away!
not enjoying that dicey movie rec your friend sent you, cuz its a little too edgy? turn it off!
ur dating app match got too obsessed way too quickly, wont stop saying the l word? ghost em!
well- maybe the ghosting thing is controversial. but man i dont think we owe these fellas our time, keep your safe space safe even if that means walking away without telling them. maybe that's safer sometimes, too. i dunno. i also just dont like confrontation. oops.
Feb 17, 2025
a) how long / frequently youâve been seeing them. if itâs only been a week or two, with mostly over-the-phone or texts, itâs not rude of you to just be like oh hey I rly liked talking to you, but I think my heart is calling me elsewhere.
b) if itâs been a few irl interactions, dates and mundane conversations â then it depends on whether youâd prefer a text, call or face to face interaction. before you break it to them, forgive yourself!! you are allowed to say no!! Donât settle, even if itâs for reasons that are just regarding preference and chemistry. Be upfront (I want to wander elsewhere), offer your condolences (i know you care about me, so Iâm sorry if this feels like rejection. I appreciate you and (insert personality trait) but I donât want to waste both of our time!
You can retain a level of friendship if you wish, but make sure that the other indivisual is respectful of your lack of interest. Sometimes friendship = okay let me convince them đ which doesnât end well.
Honestly, just ask yourself what youâd want to hear! Below, Iâm attaching a screenshot of a text I sent to a man who I felt was ghosting me, afrer a reasonable period of time of me requesting better communication. I wanted to hear from him that he was no longer interested, but I was tired of waiting for answersâŠ.
you got this!! trust yourself
Jul 27, 2024
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nobody at your bullshit email job is going to perish if you are away from your computer for fifteen minutes. donât clock out. get paid to be in the sun. relish in every moment that you have no Slack messages to answer and do something that counteracts the soul-crushing pain of staring at a screen all day. whether you rest your eyes, read a chapter of a book, walk around your block - whatever it is, steal time because your employer probably isnât paying you well enough to merit staring into the Outlook abyss for eight hours.
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first T shotz tomorrow đ„ł
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