Firstly, I’m so sorry you’re feeling that way— that’s really crummy, and I’m sure that once you feel that way everything feels like confirmation of being unspecial. But in a very very real way, you might be bored with yourself because you know yourself so well— other people don’t know you. You could walk into a bar or a cafe or an event and you would be new to at least one person there. If you feel like you aren’t interesting conversationally, are you a good listener? In a very honest way, the people I’ve found hottest and most intriguing are always good listeners, and people who are quiet and incisive. It’s okay if you don’t talk on and on; a lot of “interesting” people are just filling space with noise. Noise is always briefly exciting or interesting, but that doesn’t mean it has substance or adds value. Trust me on this, I’m a performer and frankly so many nights I’m just making noise.
So first piece of advice is, approach yourself as if you were a stranger— look at everything about you like you’ve never ever seen it before, and start to notice what you like. Then build on those things. Like, it’s okay if you hate your clothes, but do you have one jacket/shirt/earring that you love? Wear that so much, and slowly look out for pieces that make you feel like the thing you love— it’s okay if it takes time, the outfits that make me feel dynamic are all cobbled together from stuff I found over years.
Then look at other people, what do you find interesting about them? I am a knockoff of every woman I ever thought was cool— my summer camp counselor, my gender studies TA from my first year of college, my mom, and literally everyone else. That’s okay though, mimicking what you like is a way of developing your taste, and you will put yourself together in a way that’s a little different and totally your own.
It’s okay if it takes time— sometimes we have seasons where we don’t like ourselves a ton, but they do pass, and who you will be in a year is a brand new person— you haven’t met them yet, and you might love them. Tiny practical advice? Go for walks; it’s good for your body, it releases endorphins, and it gives you a chance to people watch/observe nature. Read something small; it can be a single poem, or an essay, or a children’s book— I love Howl’s Moving Castle and if I’m feeling stuck in a rut I read that, even though it’s a children’s book. If reading isn’t your thing watch a movie or a TV episode, but whatever you consume, watch it and take notes, like you‘re a secret critic— note what you liked, whether it’s costumes or language or the vibe, and what you didn’t, and then you can find more things like it— that’s how you develop your own taste, and it’s a good way to develop language around art and media.
All critics and essayists and everyone whose job is to write interestingly about art started with shit they liked in middle school, and built on that to find their own language— you can do that too.
Sorry for the hugely long post, but I promise that you are more interesting than you give yourself credit for, and there are people in the world who will see that.
Feb 19, 2024
Related Recs
It’s incredible how many people genuinely think they are boring. There have been so many times I’ve spoken with people and they confess that they think that they haven’t done much with their life, or that they don’t have much interesting to talk about, but it’s almost never the case.
From what I can tell, it’s often caused by a lack of knowing thyself. Or maybe a low self esteem? I’ve been through it too, and it is so so not true for anyone.
You’ve done so much living. Why do you feel like your story is not worth telling? I know you’ve gone through some crazy shit once or twice. if you really haven’t, what’s stopping you from getting out there and creating stories to talk about? Start small! go to a coffee shop once a week. See if they have any clubs to join, and try that out! you’ll be making memories in NO TIME.
If you have trouble finding meaningful/fun conversation, just remember that the effort must flow both ways. You are merely just working with what the other person is providing you, and if they aren’t giving you anything to work with, it’s not your fault. You aren’t boring, you are just around people who dont vibe with you. And that’s okay! Not every person is going to be your specific kind of person. Plus, if you aren’t having fun talking to them, why does it matter if they like you? the much cooler people who value your input are just around the corner. I promise.
One day you’ll be able to shine your beautiful personality on someone who is equally as bright you are, you magnificent comet, you.
Feb 13, 2025
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It's funny isn't it, how often we compare ourselves to others when we are looking up and forward. Which is something I think you might be doing, looking forward instead of constantly looking back.
To preface I don't know you enough to make any assumption or tell you what to do, but this could be something you can fall back to that's in the back of your head whenever you feel this way!
Enjoy the little things! I doubt telling you not to feel this way or keep telling yourself you're awesome would work because they never worked on me, so just enjoy the little moments in life that makes you -- if not smile -- smirk a bit. You saw something that reminds you of a fond memory, you did something new that is small yet unique to you? celebrate those moments because those moments are what makes you inherently you.
Someone here also said familiarity of yourself can be a way making you feel lame, but isn't that also such a gift because you are so in tune with yourself? You know what you're doing even if you think they are nothing comparing to others.
And ultimately, maybe this could be a starting point for you to create/try/ experiment things too! If you think of yourself so far back already, what's to loose for you to break the status quo? right? Be the dryer sheet that could cause fire and burn down the entire house or something hehe. And if it goes to shit we just won't tell anybody about it. HA!
To quote what I've seen somewhere during my lowest low during the pandemic-
"There is no one like you, there has never been anyone like you, and there will never be anyone like you. Therefore, be yourself" beep boop bop beep boop
Feb 22, 2024
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I’ve been known to gas myself up. I’ll walk into a room and announce that I love my outfit for the day. I’ll show someone a spreadsheet that I made and say that I’m in awe of my brain for having such a good idea and bringing it to fruition. And I can assure you that I’m laughing at every single one of my jokes.
It’s obvious how loving yourself and having confidence improves how you feel overall. We know this, we understand this. What I want to talk about is the lesser known impacts of believing in yourself, which is how the rest of the world interacts with you when you carry yourself with unshakable confidence.
On the surface, how do other people react when I’m giving myself a gold star? They giggle, sometimes they may roll their eyes.
On a deeper level, when you truly walk through the world knowing that you are that bitch, it creates an inexplicable magnetism. People notice you in a different way. Take a compliment on an outfit, for example. I wear cute clothes, but so do a lot of people. When someone compliments my outfit, what they are often actually drawn to is that they can tell that EYE feel amazing wearing my outfit.
I love job interviews. People find this shocking and confusing, but they’re going about interviews all wrong. I’m not trying to sell myself, sound like I know what I’m talking about, convince someone to hire me, none of this nonsense. I’m excited to talk about my previous work and skills that I’m so proud of and how amazing I am. I don’t have to tell them how valuable I am, how lucky they would be to have me- the way I believe in myself conveys it.
As mother (RuPaul) says, “if you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” We always talk about treating other people in the way that you want to be treated, but that starts with you. Are you nice to yourself? Do you love yourself? Are you the only girl in the world? If you can’t show up for yourself in these ways, it’s going to limit your capacity to show up for others.
We don’t have to pretend like this is possible every moment of every day. Most days, it feels like everything in our environment is trying to tear us down constantly (especially women!) and sometimes its all too much. Sometimes you just wake up and it’s just not your day. These things happens. Good news- you can try again tomorrow.
Worried about being labeled as delusional? You’re not- you are the baddest bitch in the room. Labeled as extra? Good. Take up as much space as you see fit. Vain? That’s fine. Some people can’t see what’s beyond the surface; the 700th selfie I put on IG has much less to do with liking my face and much more to do with feeling beautiful in my soul.
It’s hard to put into words. But when you believe in yourself, people notice. They won’t be able to put their finger on it, there’s just something about you that stands out. It comes through in our body language, our micro-behaviors, and the wavelengths and vibrations we can’t see and feel.
Try it out. Lie to yourself until you believe it.
Then, watch the world start to fall at your feet.
Aug 27, 2024
Top Recs from @nadiyaelyse
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This was really impactful for me; the analogy is, your life/your heart is a room (or an apartment, a space, etc) and relationships are all about inviting people into that room. Intimacy is letting them into the room and knowing that they might touch stuff, move furniture around, or change the way you’ve laid the room out. Transparency is letting people see the room, but keeping a glass between them and the space— they can see, but not touch. I think relationally we all have impulses toward transparency instead of intimacy, and it’s easy to say “I let you look at my room, that was intimacy,” while maintaining the glass that separates people from the room. Be intimate! Let people pick up the tchotchkes in your heart and move the furniture.
May 28, 2024
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I like to let my phone die— I often don’t charge it overnight, and try not to plug it in during the day. If you’re able to access work/school through only your laptop, let your phone die, or leave it on the plug in another room.
I also delete most apps from my phone for periods of weeks, and minimally use social media— if this works for you, it can feel very liberating, and makes me feel much less constantly accessible (which I think is a good thing).
Something that helps me is thinking about the flattening of correspondence; before social media, if you wanted to communicate to a friend, it was one-on-one— you might write a letter, or call, or email, but what you were doing was conversational and relational. When we use social media, we flatten a lot of individual relationships into one relationship between us and our “audience.” Instead of sharing a thought or comment intended for one person, and designed for them to reply and continue the correspondence, we put out press releases on our own lives: “this is what I had for breakfast,” “this is a meme about my mental health,” and we become part of a passive audience in our friend’s lives. We end up feeling like we’ve just seen our friends, because we’re “viewing” their lives, but actually apps leave us feeling very isolated and anti-social. Try deleting your most used social media apps, and also schedule a walk/movie night/coffee with a friend.
Outside of radical deletion, pick an audio book to listen to, and pair it with a hands on/tactile activity: you could load the dishwasher, or draw, or try embroidery.
Jul 29, 2024
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Ironically, Alien isn’t an alien movie— it a class critique couched in space horror, and it is genre defining— Sigourney Weaver is so brilliant in it, and if you haven’t seen it I would definitely put it on your list.
Mar 12, 2024