Let me start off by saying I experienced my sexual awaking at age eight watching JJ Abram’s 2009 reboot of ‘Star Trek’. This is important context because I’d like to stress that living in Los Angeles, especially working at various Instagrammable establishments, you see celebrities frequently and it’s usually nbd. I work at an art gallery so we get our fair share of B listers (Joe Jonas, Tyler the Creator, Natasha Lyonne, etc) who come in from time to time. But none have rocked my world to the extent of Mr. Pine. Fifteen minutes before closing, he breezes in with an entourage of three: two men— one average looking guy and the other looking (and acting) exactly like Roman Roy— and a woman: so slender and so attractive it was like like they had plucked her straight from a Paloma Wool runway show. This is not even to mention Mr. Pine himself. He was a force. His stride was ten feet long DEFYING PHYSICS. His designer loafers clopped around the gallery floors as he commanded every particle in the room as all his own. He wore a forest green suit easily worth more than my entire year’s salary, drenched in a patchouli cologne so hostile it added another layer of might to his already god-like aura. Shortly after entering, he approached me at the desk asking for a pricelist. I opened my mouth but no words came out. I wondered if he could see in my soul that I had written a piece of fan fiction ten years prior with him as the central character. Truly a world-shattering interaction.
Mar 25, 2024

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I’m at the workshop of some guy to get a jacket chain stitched. The workshop is in a building behind a house in Chicago. If you’ve been around here, you know what I’m talking about. The artist is this British dude that has very wild energy. Kind of reminds me of that dude from Idles, but smaller. Looks like he doesn’t shower. So I brought him a jacket and he completely disassembled it. I start freaking out because I remember that I already have a deal with a different artist (I am actually working with IRL). At one point his mom is there and he kicks us out? So I’m just chilling in the backyard with his mom while she’s on a swing and I’m sitting at one of the many lined up picnic tables. When he was done it was an incredibly beautiful and creative jacket, far beyond what I had asked.  I realize that I was still getting my husband jacket made by the other artist, but this jacket was for me. I hadn’t even paid.  I was worried about paying for another jacket.  I was confused why he made something so intricate. Did this guy love me?  Did I love him? I sat on him and kissed him.  He tasted like cigarettes. I started leaving and he asked if I wanted to make babies and I said I already had some.
Jul 16, 2024
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one Austin Film Fest i was on the lookout for David Lowery (director of A Ghost Story and The Green Knight). i got access to the filmmakers bbq and thought i saw him but he was engrossed in conversation. i almost chickened out but i kept googling pictures of him to make sure it was him while i psyched myself up. finally, i worked up the courage to tap him on the shoulder and ask if he was David Lowery. Reader, he was not 💀 i apologized profusely, asked him about the short film he *was* premiering at the festival, and escaped as fast as i could feeling DEEPLY MORTIFIED. the next few days i was still on David Lowery watch and noticing that the bald, five-o-clock shadow, black skinny jean look is much more common among filmmakers than i realized lmao. thus i decided to play it safe and simply accost him after his panel the following day. on my way to the panel, i ran into a friendly lady who was looking for the same panel, so i walked her there while telling her my embarrassing mishap and plans to finally meet the elusive director. once we arrived, she disappeared and i felt a little offended she didn’t want to sit with me. turns out SHE WAS ON THE PANEL. one of the writers for THIS IS US!! mortified AGAIN, i started rehearsing my next apology for not knowing who she was. the panel was great, both she and David Lowery were so insightful and lovely, even making me tear up a bit. afterwards i approached her and apologized and told her how some things she said on the panel touched me. she was super gracious and then said “so i told David your story, let me introduce you to him” 💀💀💀 anyway, she made the introduction and left to talk to more people. the first thing he said was “so was it another bald guy in black skinny jeans?” so that’s my mortifying but deeply treasured celebrity story. i finally got to meet the REAL David Lowery.
Mar 25, 2024
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My friends and I were bored last night so we looked for things to do in our town because there's usually nothing. On Google maps we find a place that was a "boarding school for witches, ghouls, and monsters" so of course we get in the car and pull up. Once there it is obviously a witches house. An old 1800s building with glowing pumpkins out front. Red lanterns illuminating the windows and so many random things in the backyard including a circus tent. This had to be a witches house. So we approach and knock on the door. We are pretty certain it's just someone's house but it's a Tuesday night at 7pm what's the worst that could happen. We wait for a moment until we see a light turn on and a disheveled man in his pajamas, a big orange beard and a trucker hat opens the door and says "hello?" Looking at us quizzically. I say "hello is this ****** - boarding school for witches, ghouls and monsters? We found it on Google maps and are curious." He chuckles a little and says "let me explain. Come inside." We enter a dimly lit living room decorated with antiques and ominous knick knacks. Dozens of candles hung from the ceiling and he takes a seat on a large throne in the corner. We sit on plush antique couches as he begins to tell us about his passion project. It turns out his whole entire home was basically an art installation and a manifesting of his life into a fantasy world story. He has lived in his artwork for atleast the last 14 years since he moved into the home and you can tell he cares about it deeply. He tells us how it's morphed and changed for years as he's lived and grown. He wants to make a TV show or a movie and that's what all of this has been for. He's done many things like haunted houses, mercantiles, fantasy experiences, but as of recently he got married 6 months ago and has 7 step children now. His art project has morphed and become more functional. Where he used to live in his characters bedroom he now lives in his own with his wife who is a costume designer. They work together to bring his story to life. He gave us a tour of every room in his home. Each eclectically decorated with antiques and knickknacks his dedication has attracted him. One was an original glass domed framed photograph of a women's father from the early 1900s gifted to him. And strewn about the home was hundreds of dolls and doll parts. He has acquired these from a random phone call from a man he has never talked to, but he offered him $30,000 worth of antique turn of the century dolls and doll parts. This man just attracts the most amazing things. His laundry room was half decorated as a wizards mercantile expertly hand crafted shelves and signage marked hand crafted wands, brooms, wood jewelry and so much more. He told us the story of how down in southern Utah he discovered a tri split winding tree alone in the middle of the desert. He harvested this ancient tree and turned it into 3 sister brooms all gorgeously crafted. We talked with him for an hour and a half and we learned about his TV show he wants to start shooting this year. And about his dreams for what he wants to do with it. We gave him tips on social media and short form content to share his passion and we learned much about each other. We met a very interesting man yesterday.
Mar 5, 2025

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